The spouse to the President of the United States has neither Constitutional power nor any Constitutional restrictions, meaning the office—originally symbolic, later political—changes with the women and with the country. It’s not so much walking a political and social tightrope as it is walking a tightrope that moves. Sometimes these changes and these women are graceful, sometimes violent, but almost always have their influence shrugged off by contemporary indifference. While noting the power of women with no official power may seem sexist in the vein of ‘see, they don’t need more power,’ I assure you this is meant firstly to be entertaining and to secondly to point out that American history is filled with crazy characters (male and female) and ridiculous stories (more true than not). This is going to have to be a series.
Also, I’m just quite the ladies’ man…when I don’t have to actually talk to them.
First First Lady (technically): Harriet Lane
Amazingly, this First Lady was not actually the President’s wife but rather the niece of President James Buchanan. Derisively called “a dandy” by his peers, the well-groomed bachelor President decided not to host White House ceremonies, actual tea parties and Mary Kay parities himself and so had the position created. Now, there is some controversy in this award though, as President Zachary Taylor allegedly referred to James Madison's wife Dolley as the “First Lady” in her eulogy delivered in 1849. However, the eulogy was so sad, listeners blew their noses in the only paper copies and so no actual record exists. Before this point, though, the wife of the president was formally called “Lady,” “Mrs. President,” “Mrs. Presidentress” and, I kid you not, “Queen of the White House”—though Buchanan was called that, too.
First First Lady (not-technically): Martha Washington
Best remembered as portrayed by Lisa Simpson in “I Love Lisa,” Martha was as baffled by her unprecedented duties as her husband George was with his. Fortunately, the Washington’s liked each other and so hosted a lot of ceremonies and public events at their presidential house/office (George’s idea that they be the same building). On the personal side, Martha was a very wealthy, 27-year-old, widow when she met and married George--who later used her vast resources to create a huge beer distillery. Yeah, that's a lot to take in. Years later, in an act of faux-generosity, George altered his will to say all his slaves (well over a hundred) could be freed once Martha and himself died. After her second-husband's death, Martha freed all the slaves.
Most Frustratingly Independent: Abigail Adams
That’s right. Number two. Abigail and John Adams sent each other a lot of letters and few were classically romantic, often calling each other “partner.” While John Adams was helping craft the Constitution, Abigail repeatedly advocated for women’s rights to be specifically included; rights such as inheritance rights, property rights and protection-from-abusive-husbands’ rights. Of course, she never really pushed for voting rights, fearing that it would not come until the 1820s or so—making her prediction some 100 years off. Ultimately, women were left completely unmentioned in the Constitution, rendering lovemaking unmentioned in the Adams’ bedroom. The President would never smile when in office, and took a lot of cold baths. Meanwhile, John’s main political rival, Thomas Jefferson, was knee-deep in---let’s move on.
Most Resembled an Action Movie Hero: Dolley Madison
Wife of James Madison, Dolley had probably the most surreal experience during the course of the War of 1812. Most people know the war for the British burning down Washington, D.C. and Andrew Jackson enlisting a bunch of pirates in New Orleans. Attacking Washington, D.C. didn’t hold an exceptional amount of military advantage for the British, but that doesn’t really matter—they burned it and the countries called it a game. Before the attack, British admirals exchanged letters boasting about which one of them would actually be able to capture the president’s wife, bring her to England and use her as a negotiating tool. That’s right, the film “Air Force One” was based on a true story. Not giving a shit that the world’s most powerful empire wanted her head, Dolley stayed in D.C., securing American letters, books and artifacts (such as the famed George Washington portrait), right up until D.C. was burning to the ground. In all likelihood, at some point, Dolley ran down a long corridor and leaped into the air as barrels of gunpowder exploded behind her.
"I really should have read that Dolley Madison biography."
First Lady who had the Most Men Shot, Indirectly: Rachel Jackson
Rachel Jackson divorced a loser named Lewis Robards in 1790. In 1791, she married the high-standing Andrew Jackson. Then in 1794, it was discovered Loser McLoserson never signed the divorce papers—technically making Rachel a bigamist. Upon hearing his (ex)wife had married Andrew Jackson, Robards signed the divorce papers immediately after (or possibly before) changing his soiled pants. For a few years, the new couple underwent social stigma—usually overshadowed by Jackon’s desire to “keep it real” when his wife’s honor was at stake. Jackson kept it old school. Real old school. Like, as in 'having his face slashed by a British general when he was a 13-year old POW in the Revolutionary War' old school. So Jackson gets in a couple dozen pistol duels and things (people) die away. Then in 1828, Jackon runs for office and his rivals--Henry Clay and John Quincy Adams--leak to the press that Rachel was/is a bigamist and “whore.” Jackson won the election but before being sworn into office, Rachel died from heart failure. Jackson would be guilt-ridden for the rest of his life, up into his last words wherein he expressed regret for having NOT shot former president John Quincy Adams.
To be continued…
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