NFL Predictions: Week Eight

Adding a little flavor, Mac will contribute some NFL Predictions this week.

Terrell Owens said he wasn’t a history major and if anybody else is, “it’s their loss.” Finally, this blog has a suitable connection between football and academia! T.O. is like John Edwards or Britney Spears--almost had it all, but in each case their flaws became who they are. Nobody is perfect, sure, but Owens has missed the train of real relevance while he posed for a mirror. He should take any offer to play in the arena football league because it’d prove he wants to play, not that he wants to be famous—and that’s what teams would really like to see. More likely though, T.O. will continue to mug for the cameras and probably do a spread in Playgirl magazine. In short, in the NFL world, T.O. is what he disparages: history.

Minnesota at Carolina (-3.5)

Nick:

Two rookie quarterbacks and both came within one possession of downing the undefeated Packers. Candy Bar Newton put up staggering numbers this season but Vikings’ Chris Ponder has proved rather wily himself. Both teams have all-stars scattered on the field but employ far too many placeholders to be anything more than spoilers for better teams this year. Frankly, this game seems like an exercise in which fans can correctly guess which of the two quarterbacks we’ll be talking about in five years. Personally, I like both of them. But what I really like is that Adrian Peterson is averaging over a hundred yards a game and all three families in South Carolina combined couldn’t stop him. Vikings.

Mac:

How good is Cam Newton. 288.4 yds/gm through his first 7 games in the league, 8 TD to 9 Int. He’s playing for a Panthers team that started their rebuilding with his drafting and he has consistently played playoff-caliber defenses all season. Watching him, he has made throws reserved for elite QBs but has yet to put up one truly elite performance. Much of his yardage output has been due to his team trailing and when he makes a bad throw it is extremely errant. At this point he still has to prove he can win. The Vikings have had a similar reaction to a tough schedule early in the season and were one drive from beating the Packers even though Aaron Rodgers is on fire and it wasn’t a bad game for the defending champs. Ponder beats Newton, 24-21

Detroit at Denver (+2.5)

Nick:

Do you believe in magic? If so, Denver will win this game. Devote only to the algorithms (er, facts) of the game? Detroit is your bet. After starting off as the league’s undefeated Cinderella team, the Lions have stolen the magical mouse and turned back into the proverbial shoe-shaped house (NOTE: I’m not really familiar with the actual Cinderella story, but that’s what happens, right?). Anyhow, the Lions have to be burning at how indifferently people accepted that Detroit lost a staggering(?) two games in a row. Dreams were dashed, expectations fulfilled. Detroit’s Mathew Stafford will start; Denver’s Willis McGahee will be out. There’s really no reason to pick Denver, and I doubt Mac here is a believer. I want to believe in magic, though. Just like Cinderella’s flying carpet (right?). Denver!

Mac:

TEEEEBBBBOOOWWW!!! This kid is a winner, but he’s also a terrible QB. You know when they say a QB can make all the throws in the NFL, well Tebow can’t. Mechanics aren’t all that important (see Philip Rivers) but to have a slow release when you don’t have the arm strength and your QB IQ already makes you a second slower than every other QB, well it leads to 4 for 14, 40 yards performance 54:37 into a football game against the 21st ranked pass defense of the winless Dolphins. On the other hand, Tebow is a weapon with the ball in his hands and if he gets the slightest room, 10 yards in 4 plays is like an abortion, it won’t stop Timmy. Look for Suh to welcome Tebow to the NFL with comments more offensive than mine. Lions 37-9

New England at Pittsburgh (+2.5)

Nick:

I picked the Patriots to go deep in the post-season this year despite my own criticisms of how they just aren’t “a fun team.” Their M.O. is to treat football like a business and it’s done wonders for them. I like my football to be entertaining, though. So I loved that they brought in one of the best entertainers in the league, a man so entertaining that his name itself ripples with interest: Chad Ochocinco. God, I can’t believe how easily that caught on. He’s like a good version of T.O. If the Patriots were to put up 62 points on any team like the Saints did last week there would be been strident outcry for professional sportsmanship. All said, New England—a rounding error away from a perfect record—has shown it’s surprisingly vulnerable this season, allowing teams to pass through their secondary like a rock through wet toilet paper. Still, the Steelers may have won the AFC conference last year but getting back means going through the Patriots (probably twice, even). I want to root for teams I like watching. Steelers.

Mac:

The Steelers looked like the Superbowl-loser hangover was in full swing but quickly recovered. They stand a 5-2 and are keeping pace with the Ravens for the division. With that said the 5 wins came against teams that are a combined 8-24. The Patriots on the other hand have only had one slip up against the much improved Bills. Even with that, Tom Brady is competing in the “Make Dan Marino Completely Irrelevant” contest with Dree Brees and Aaron Rodgers. Maybe winter will stop them, but til then…. Pats 38-24

Cleveland at San Francisco (-7.5)

Nick:

Why the hell Mac wanted us to predict this game is way beyond me. San Francisco had a bye-week coming in, on a 4-game win streak, and quarterback Alex Smith has been kidnapped, locked in a basement and replaced with a pretty good look-a-like. Meanwhile, Cleveland has miraculously skid-marked to only a 3-3 record because while Colt McCoy has thrown 12 interceptions at least 8 of those where to his own teammates—and returned for touchdowns. This is ridiculous and I’m terrified if Mac knows more than me thanks to his corrupt bookie and picks anything beyond the obvious. Because, frankly, this game, this spread, feels like a gift from Vegas. The 49ers are poised to crush Cleveland into some mush that can only be described as “brown.” San Francisco covers the spread two or three times over.

Mac:

One Harbaugh actually knows how to create an offensive identity. He understands Alex Smith’s limitations and has created a game plan that puts the 49ers in the position to win against good teams and consistently win against average teams, much like the Chiefs last season. This team has been extremely talented for the last couple seasons but it took Harbaugh’s coaching to get the players to execute on the field. The Browns have stayed competitive game-in and game-out this year but this game will slowly get out of hand as the Browns have to rely on Colt McCoy. 49ers 31-10

Dallas at Philadelphia (-2.5)

Nick:

Former-future NFL great Vince Young is getting sued by some guy he reportedly punched while drunk at a strip club. I only bring this up because the Eagles are endlessly fascinating for me this year even though their record is well below my original predictions. Now I struggle to think of a situation where I would not pick them to win, knowing full well that the team has turned into the disaster that so many NBA fans prayed would befall the Miami Heat about this time last year. It would seem I’ve sworn some oath of fealty to Philly when I find myself saying the Eagles would win it all if only the NFL season was long enough. Worse yet, some weeks I fear any dignity accumulated in other posts is sacrificed for more Cowboys-bashing. Other weeks I just want to point that Dallas is a nadir hellscape of intersecting highways all created from overlapping efforts of millions to drive through, or otherwise escape, the city as fast as humanly possible. And Jerry Jones can go to the Superbowl when he buys a goddamn ticket. Eagles.

Mac:

Is Vick made of glass? Is Romo overrated or over-criticized? Does Andy Reid coach anymore? Why does Dez Bryant play half the game like Larry Fitzgerald and the other half like he’s Brandon Marshall punting the ball during practice? Why didn’t they trade Vince Young, or at least tell him to shut up? None of these questions will be answered on Sunday. Eagles get back on track and edge out the “unbeatable” Cowboys, 31-27

San Diego at Kansas City (+3.5)

Nick:

I don’t know if it’s physical, emotional or mental, but I think Phillip Rivers is hurt or something. He’s a perennial bronze medallist in the NFL QB rankings and everything looked primed to go in San Diego two months ago. Talent doesn’t just disappear though, so he’s still a stupid-faced threat. Conversely, Matt Cassel is always a threat to the Chiefs. It’s flabbergasting how Cassel had a 38.3 QB rating last week in oakland and still threw less interceptions than not just one but TWO other quarterbacks in that very game. If I took a shot of Bacardi every time Cassel took a shot downfield, I’d be as sober as the Pope. Of course if I played the same game with Rivers I’d wake up two days later with breath that could kill a horse. I guess this means I’ll pick the Chiefs to get with the margin.

Mac:

I understand the Chiefs. The organization has created a strong core on defense that with Eric Berry would have the potential to be a top-10 defense. The offensive has nearly all the necessary pieces, minus a QB. No matter what you tell me, upgrade from Matt Cassel or forever be a 8-8 team that can’t compete with the elite teams in the NFL. The Chargers on the other hand continue to be a mystery. On paper they have both a top offense and top defense. So far this year they’ve had three soft opponents, one underachieving team (Jets), and one great team (Patriots) yet every game has been the same, close with 10 points being the largest differential in their win over the winless Dolphins. The difference between a 4-2 or 2-4 Chargers is so slight for this team that never gets off to a good start. I’m a Chiefs fan so, 27-24, fingers crossed.

"All Jefferson Needed was a Handlebar Mustache" -- an essay from Tyler

A guest column, written by Tyler.

Many Americans see the President of the United States as more than an elected position. The American President becomes an idealized figurehead of ideals and aspirations during their era on a democratic throne. Of all of the Presidents few will ever receive the appropriate criticisms of the third: Thomas Jefferson.

As an establisher of one of the preliminary political parties in America and the primary author of the Declaration of Independence, Jefferson was a founding member of the U.S. government without a presidential term. He was a man who believed in the small, family farm; and that a big, invasive government was harmful. He feared that the federal government was in a habit of over-reaching and over-spending. That is, until he got to lead the federal government and over-stretched executive power in order to buy a quarter of the American continent from the French on a hunch that we just might want it someday. However, there was more beneath ol’ Thomas Jefferson than just Sally Hemings. In fact, many of the political problems of the United States can be traced back to Jeffersonian hypocrisy.

As argued by previous scholars, in TJ’s early drafts of the Declaration of Independence, he may have tried to stop slavery. There are still other signs that he disliked the practice. But this Virginian was a coward. Jefferson was willing to sign a letter of treason against the British but, in the end, freeing the American slaves was too much. Expressing a death wish against the most powerful military in the world was safer to him than freeing enslaved people. He depended on those slaves to protect his way of life and he could not let that go. Jefferson predicted slavery would lead to a division of the country, such as the Civil War, and decided “Well… that sucks. Glad I don’t have to deal with that.” (Directly quoted by the way. If it’s not on Wikipedia yet, please fix it for me.) He refused to live the way he argued people should. With his dependence on slave labor, Jefferson was anything but the simple farmer. He argued for no regulation on small farmers, of which he included his multi-field farm. Because of the slaves, he had enough time to piss off the English and hide in a presumably comfortable hole (again, not just Sally Hemings). Jefferson was pretending to be a small commoner as he reaped massive wealth.

Speaking of his farming tendencies, Jefferson is also largely responsible for all of the bullshit, awkward zoning issues of the United States. Remember how Jefferson bought nearly half the nation? He is also primarily responsible for the lazy shapes of the states. Jefferson had enough time on his hands to grid out America west of the Appalachian Mountains. Unlike the eastern U.S--which mostly used geographical distinctions to separate land and states--Jefferson ignored land features in favor of arbitrary boundaries. This led to many issues in the U.S. such as water disputes or parts of states separated entirely from the rest of the state. Even individual properties were separated with uneven access to water—in more cases forcing Americans to trespass their neighbor’s property just to get to their own land.

"Tell me about it."

Thomas Jefferson attempted to do what he thought was right for the nation that would grow into the United States as we know it. He just didn’t think he had to be a part of it.

"At This Time" -- a story from Mac

Here is the first guest column in "Past Times" history. It's a short historical fiction story, with a striking amount of truth, written by Mac.

Jim Lane didn’t quite feel like getting out of bed on this day. It was Sunday, but Lane was no longer a church going man. The Fourth of July was only a few days away, but national pride finally started dimming in importance to Lane. Mary cooked him breakfast, bacon and eggs. No matter, he was not going to be eating. The hunger had slowly died within him.

“James, you must get out of bed,” Mary shouted from the kitchen. “You have a big day ahead of you.”

But Lane had no real plans for the day. There was nothing left for him to do. Six months into his second term as a Kansas senator, Lane was finally bested. This was a man that lost at the Battle of Drywood Creek yet still undercut General Price by ransacking pro-South establishments along the border. After Governor Robinson’s blocked his bid to combine Brigadier General with his Senator title, he simply commanded the army without the official approval of the Federal government. Title or no title, the troops and the local electorate still knew who was leading the charge. From the day Lane left Lawrenceburg, Indiana to fight alongside the abolitionists in Lawrence, Kansas, Lane never accepted the possibility that he would be on the losing end. But on July 1st, 1866, he lost.

“Wake me when the carriage arrives, I’m in no mood for morning rituals and formalities,” Lane grunted.

“Fine, but I don’t know how you plan to get things done on it empty stomach. You have to be on your guard with those vultures, and that’s hard to do with your belly attackin’ worse than those quacks.”

If this advice had come from any other person he would have rolled his eyes, maybe even spit vitriol until his face swelled, cheeks reddened, and slobber fell on the wooden floorboards. His relationship with Mary invoked only the reasoned response that she was right but that fact was of no consequence. The eggs remained untouched; the bacon was tossed to the hounds that missed the former hunting trips that they shared with their master. The bed creaked as Lane gradually got to his feet. Lane saw his reflection in the mirror and combed his hair, only for it to remain unkempt.

“Did the carriage arrive? If not, then let’s stop this talk of those two-bit politicians. They may want to suckle at the teet of this fine state, but soon they will find the milk has run dry.”

Lane was not but a year removed from the disbelief of this statement that now he honestly believed to be fact. His opponents proposed that he was selfish man that would bend the law, the truth, and the Kansas River if it got him more power. Ole’ Jim surely loved his acquired stature, but his role was only as important to him as his state. To Lane, he was the senator of the best state in the Union. The man had one goal, to erect the legacy of Kansas with his bare hands. Carney saw only unchecked fraud from the most powerful and influential Kansan. If only the new Governor had the guts to meet him in the streets of Leavenworth, Lane thought. Lane would never let his rivals beat him in anything, much less a duel.

“I hear horses. James, get your things. Quickly now, you mustn’t be late. The Late Jim Lane, that’ll be what they call you, you don’t want that,” Mary prompted Jim, but received only a slight chuckle in return.

“The capital will be dead when I arrive, nobody will notice the time on the clock when Ole’ Jim arrives.”

“Dead, are you joking James? They’ll know when you arrived cuz you’ll have to push past each one of them to get in there.”

“Dead or alive, the time will be of little relevance to that crowd.”

Lane picked up his holster and quickly exited his home, completely ignoring his business suitcase. Lane found the carriage door while squinting as the sun overpowered his irritated eyes. The heat of this Kansas summer was nearly unbearable and made poor conditions for a man to think.

“With haste my good man,” Lane told the Coachman. “There is little time left.”

The carriage started to pull away. Mary noticed that he left his suitcase. She picked it up and ran outside but the horses’ hooves could no longer be heard. The dust was nearly settled back on the road. She could no longer see her husband.

“What’s your name,” Lane’s grunt had transformed into a gentle voice.

“William, William Sterling, sir.”

“Don’t call me, sir, Jim or Lane are the choices boy,” the grunt temporarily returned as Lane continued to attack arbitrary etiquette. “Now Sterling you say. I knew a Sterling back when we were fighting off those Bushwackers down in Misery. He was a good man, that wouldn’t by chance be your pappi, would it.”

“No, sir err, I mean Mr. Lane. My father was a farmer out West of Wichita. He died from a rattlesnake bite at the beginning of the war, he never served in any militia though.”

“Well no matter my mind’s already on it. Do you know what me and Sterling did.”

“You guys cut off the supplies of the Bushwackers; you saved us even before the war.”

“Good. I’m glad not all you young folks are ignorant, but how bout I tell the damn story from here.”

“Go ahead Mr. Lane.”

Lane loved to rehash the stories of his hey-day. The only Kansas politician that could win a battle and an election. Going into his second Kansas senate race, the popular phrase was that “when it came to politics, Lane was god.” As Lane relayed his every accomplishment to this youngin’, he still couldn’t believe that he was at this place. His political power was decimated because of accusations of him doing what he thought was right.

“So what about your father, a farmer you say.”

“Yes Mr. Lane, took a piece of land with the Homestead Act,” Will said, finally gaining a slight confidence to his voice. “Probably the hardest thing he did in his life, take anything for free. But the family was starving in West Virginia, wouldn’t have made it another year. He finally convinced himself right in his brain that land wasn’t worth nothin’ without him on it, so he wasn’t takin’ nothin’. Don’t think his heart ever believed it though.”

“Well I guess in matters of finance the brain has an edge o’er the heart, cuz this land wasn’t worth nothin’. Not til men like your father came, not til we sold it to those who could afford to make something of it, lend to those that could work their way into earning the land.”

“Well sir, I think so too.”

“Damn good then, when we get to the Capitol, I’ll stay in the carriage and you can get your ass in there and set those snakes right.” The grunt returned.

Jim removed his gun from its casing. His hand trembled as he thought about the welcoming party that awaited him in the Capitol, one room full of all the hypocritical politicians that bathed in the wealth he brought to the state, yet condemned him for it. Jim had only killed one man off the battlefield. Gaius Jenkins, a wealthy landowner that was a neighbor of Lane. There was a land dispute that left to the two arguing over a water well. A scuffle occurred one night when Jenkins attempted to draw from the well. Lane pulled his gun and shot the man in the gut. When tried for murder, the court found Lane innocent.

“You can plead your case can’t you, if you explain the importance of what you did, they’re bound to listen to reason.”

“Hah, reason? From them? There’s still looking for a reason to hang me in the square, don’t expect to find reason amongst them.” Jim laughed only harder than he scowled at the legitimacy of this comment.

“You know when I first had to beat ole’ Charlie’s silver spooned devil in the Senate race, I was ready to live out of a box on Kansas Avenue, now they’re ready to put me in a box and there ain’t no way I’m getting a plot closer than Elm street. But I’ll tell you this little Willy Sterling, I ain’t gonna let them put me in no box, ain’t no grave gonna hold down Jim Lane, least none by their choosing.”

By now the young coachman hadn’t put in a good word for 10 minutes so the conversation breaks as Lane’s final words enter the air. The coach keeps rolling down the road and Jim no longer feels the need to plead his case. The window view of the prairie maintains Jims stare. It was the land that he loved, the land that he sold, and the land he no longer had power over. The idea of life after losing his senatorial title filled Jim’s thoughts. There was no longer a war to fight, no battalion to command. Lane had lived to lead. He was finally out of followers.

Will turned his head around and broke the silence.

“Mr.Lane, are Kansas politicians honest and reliable?”

To this Lane looked up and smiled, whereupon Will looked down and blushed. Will started to hope that the sounds and scenes of the prairie would maintain his attention but he started to hear Jim rustling in the carriage. Will heard the clicking of metal and the animals stomping across the prairie. The door of the carriage flew open and a bird flew across the horse’s view. Will looked over his shoulder towards the cabin, but heard a large boom. Something fell down the side of the hill. Will turned his head back around and continued course to Leavenworth. Like Jim Lane, he had no real plans for the day.