Millard Fillmore: The Presidential Impersonator

The JFK assassination. The moon landing. Area 51. Chem trails and Big Foot. Americans are suckers for conspiracies but one of the best conspiracies is so new that many people don’t even know it's being investigated. When we classify antebellum U.S. presidents as “forgettable,” we are doing a horrible disservice to history, entertainment and the future. One such president is poised to become one of the most researched individuals over the next couple years due recent developments from his legacy over a 150 years ago. Our 13th President is known as Millard Fillmore, but in actuality, he may have been no more Fillmore than you or I.

Wait. What’s the conspiracy?

Millard Fillmore died at the age of 14 and an orphan with physical similarities took over the past life and followed down the road of political inevitability.

Why? How? Who Again?

Millard Fillmore became a judge’s apprentice at the age of 14 and became a clerk soon after, eventually being accepted into the bar. The apprenticeship was a big deal at the time because in 1815, having a learned job meant political connections in the adolescent nation. However, Fillmore developed pneumonia just weeks after landing this sweet gig. Pneumonia was deadly serious and even led to the death of President William Henry Harrison in 1841. Basically little Fillmore was a goner. Until he was visited by a friend of Fillmore’s employer. The "friend" was Whig, New York, Party Boss Thurlow Weed—not to be confused with the very similar William “Boss Tweed” Tweed. Anyhow, within a week Fillmore made a miraculous recovery.

Feel good story of the year. Big whoop.

Whoop, indeed. Because Fillmore immediately went back to work for Judge Walter Wood, a little heavier, with darker hair and a lot less socializing. What kind of teenage boy willingly works at a law office for 6 or 7 days a week? Before his sickness, Fillmore had friends but after his “recovery” his boyhood friends were dropped by the wayside—and the few interactions they did have were marked by Fillmore’s disinterest and lack of memory, to the point to where he got his friends’ names mixed up.

Maybe stickball just wasn’t as fun anymore; ever think of that?

No. It's a great game. Regardless, Fillmore followed the expected path of his life and became a lawyer, and then a state representative. Unfortunately, he did not excel in politics as he frequently avoided taking credit for political achievements—though such modesty repeatedly helped him broker agreements behind closed doors. Ultimately, such timidity was not helpful in becoming a surefire, steadfast leader, driving Thurlow Weed crazy. Weed couldn’t become a major politician himself because his reputation for corruption was always about a whisper away from imprisonment. Like some mafia boss, Weed educated and made back room deals for several young lawyers/politicians--but he couldn't get all of America to vote for his Fillmore project.

But you said “Fillmore” was a President?

Yes, but he was never elected. Rather, Fillmore was placed as a VP candidate to balance the ticket, as he was raised in the populous state of New York. Zachary Taylor was elected President and Fillmore was his VP. Taylor himself was a former general and what most people figured at the time to be a puppet politician, barely interested in non-military affairs. Shocking everybody, though, Taylor—despite owning slaves—became an opponent of slavery and threatened to start a civil war over the issue. The war would have been, and indeed was 10 years later, devastating to the national economy.

Follow the money, really? At least try to be original.

Sometime history just isn’t original, especially when it comes to money. Taylor’s readiness to go to war made him an enemy of big businesses dependent on trade. Then, in 1850, President Taylor suddenly died. Boom. Just like that. Reduced from an “is” to a “was” while eating strawberries.

Can any President in the 19th century just freaking stay alive?

And so Fillmore…

Became President of the United States and fired nearly ever member of Taylor’s cabinet. And then Fillmore had Congress pass the Compromise of 1850—creating, temporary, peace between the North and the South.

But why haven’t I heard of this until now?

Because it was just recently that Fillmore’s childhood home was relocated to the location of his forth-coming presidential museum and a skeleton, almost 200 years old, was found underground not far from the original house. Evidence indicates that the skeleton was a 13-to-15 year-old boy.

But I still don’t understand why.

The real Fillmore had connections but simply wasn’t smart enough, or maybe just wasn’t healthy enough. In either case, the fake-Fillmore was likely an orphan brought up by Party Boss Weed who showed exceptional intelligence, social solidarity yet was mentor-dependent. Weed knew then that an orphan president was simply too impossible, especially one that was raised by himself. And so he pulled the Bait-and-Switch Of The Century. I’ll post a link at the bottom of all of this.

So Millard Fillmore was not actually Millard Fillmore?

Correct. "Fillmore" lived his entire life as the real Fillmore, to the point of running the United States. And there’s even another twist. The day they found the skeleton was one year ago: April 1st.

Wait.

Yeah.

No.

Yep. April Fool’s Day.

Oh son of a bitch.