Happy America Day! USA! USA!
Have you blown anything up yet? Well hopefully by now you’ve blown something up, blown up the pieces, blown up the ashes, ate six hot dogs and blew something else up. In between your friendly neighborhood explosions, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on President George Washington and blow up Americans' misconceptions. (Helluva a transition, right?) In short, this is a man who is considered great for all the wrong reasons.
Most of history surrounding the man is anecdotal, blurring the lines between facts, fun and fun facts. For instance, it's said the British tried to embarrass early American diplomat Ethan Allen by putting a portrait of President George Washington in the outhouse, to which Allen admitted was the perfect place for Washington's picture as "nothing would make an Englishman shit as quickly as the sight of General George Washington." To make that story even better, it may not be historically accurate, but it was recalled by President Abraham Lincoln.
As another story goes, when George Washington was a child, he was given an ax. Oh, I remember my own boyhood-ax-days—I called him “ol' Chopper.” Anyways, Little George went around cutting everything, including a cherry tree in one swing (or two, if he held the ax backwards and hit the trunk with the handle). Upon seeing the downed tree, George’s father demanded an explanation, to which George said, “I cannot tell a lie, I cut down the tree.”
Unfortunately this entire story is historical gibberish with as much reality as that number scrawled on the bathroom stall. Rather the anecdote was written by best-selling author Mason Locke Weems in 1800, after Washington’s death. The young nation needed a hero and Weems gave them an American Jesus—infallible, wise, peaceful and sporting a pre-Vibro Toning Belt six-pack. I certainly knew this American parable several years before knowing its fabrication but can’t for the life of me remember if it was actually taught in schools or just Tiny Toons, or even the more obscure-oriented Animaniacs.
But the most iconic image of George takes us back to the painting “Washington Crossing the Delaware.” Amazingly, this is neither a photograph, nor was painted really fast in another boat but actually created in 1851, celebrating one of the turning points of the Revolutionary War. In the painting, a noble Washington stands on up in his canoe and is about four seconds away from screaming, “I’m King of the World!”—to which no one would have argued. Glorifying the slave-owning Washington inspired Union-patriotism in the South, but only a couple of years later Senator Charles Sumner broke Preston Brook's cane with his face and the Civil War was "back on."
Rather than nit-pick the historical inaccuracies of the painting, though, I think it’s more important to know how desperate this military move was. And that it's controversial for showing Washington's junk.
The Christmas Day surprise attack depicted worked because Hessian (German) mercenaries employed by the British were drunk from the day’s celebration—and, in fact, had even received a message to prepare for an America sneak-attack hours earlier. The Hessians, and British, somewhat expected a dangerous gambit from Washington because he had just gotten his butt kicked in the Battle of New York; though Washington really may have just let the British have the city. Regardless, several of Washington’s troops were deserting him, freezing to death, starving to death and/or a few days away from having their enlistment expire. Further, Washington couldn’t get support from fellow generals and often retreated from battles with new bullet-holes in his uniform--that were little more than a fashion statement for the guy. In the end, crossing the Delaware River was a relatively small victory, killing 22 Hessians. Frankly, before 1779, Benedict Arnold’s military victories were more impressive than anybody; but unlike Washington, Arnold was not connected politically, raised in poverty and hated the French a lot more than he hated the British.
Benedict Arnold: Too American…?
In truth, while George Washington might have been a normal child, gold-digging officer and maybe even a mediocre war strategist, he was a phenomenal politician. He single-handedly shaped more of America’s ideology, philosophy and personality than anybody else, ever. Literally, his first moments as President are felt every four years, as after his Oath of Office, Washington improvised the ending response, “So help me God.” No one can know for sure what Washington meant, but under most assumptions, Washington was terrified about being President, knowing that whatever he did could be and would be mimicked by future Presidents. Including that line.
Now many people know that Washington turned down power upon becoming the president—potentially making him King of America—but really, it’s the subtleties that boggle the mind. It was suggested that Washington, as President, be greeted as “His High Mightiness.” Imagine that for a moment. Barack Obama enters Congress to give his Inaugural Address, announced as, “His High Mightiness.” Imagine George Bush. Jimmy Carter. Richard Nixon. No, it was with Washington that the title “Mr. President” was coined and adopted—limiting the power the executive had in the minds of Americans.
During Washington’s term, the British and the French were at it again—and really, they never stopped fighting until Germany did something stupid. But with pressure on both sides, Washington chose neutrality and set the ideology that somehow the United States can avoid the world at will, a de facto policy for nearly the next two hundred years—if not still murmured today. An under spoken pattern in American history seems to be that leaders who have a prior history of war are the most reluctant to go to war while President. Former military leaders such as Washington, Jackson, Grant, Hayes, Harrison, McKinnely and Eisenhower worked toward administrations of peace with perpendicular effort to Polk, Lincoln, Wilson, FDR, Truman, LBJ and W. Bush. This is not about “weakness” but rather a curious coincidence. Washington, to his end, was far from a weak president.
In 1791, farmers dusted off their Revolutionary signs and--more importantly--guns to cry, “No taxation without representation!” Their distilleries were being taxed to pay down the national debt, mostly accumulated over the previous war about taxes. Washington sent negotiators to talk down the near-rioters while raising a federal military force. Washington told the protesters they ARE represented in Congress but in this case the interests of other Americans came first. Nowadays it’d be like comparing your effort to get second desserts to the protests led by Gandhi. Being represented doesn’t mean your views win every time. On second thought, people still claim no representation so this is actually an example of Washington not having an effect on American culture.
Lastly, while Washington’s act of stepping down from presidency in 1796 was noble and influential, it actually overshadows the more noble action of one of his contemporaries. John Adams was Washington’s Vice-President and the nation’s second president. Adams, though, is more than some 18th century Buzz Aldrin ("Second comes right after first!"). He was the first American president to lose re-election. Really put yourself in John Adams’s shoes. You have the power to help millions of people. You know you have the right ideas but your opponent, a rich, stuttering asshole, had cronies work over the public against you. And your opponent, while continually lambasting your policies, religion and personality, was your own Vice-President. Indeed, John Adams hated Thomas Jefferson with a passion and feared what he would do to the fledgling nation and citizens, yet Adams STILL stepped down from the presidency.
That’s faith in America; and an act that validated Washington’s trust in the system.
Disdainful and dying on his bed in 1826, Adams’s last words were, “Thomas Jefferson still lives.” Incredibly, and unknown to Adams, Thomas Jefferson had died just hours earlier. While George Washington may have invented "the dance-off," Presidents Adams and Jefferson had vibrant, volatile and explosive personalities...and both died on July 4th, 1826.
And so we blow things up.
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