Awarding the First Ladies: A List of Winners (part 3)

I can’t help but feel I’m doing a disservice by not giving every First Lady some award. Oh well.

Most Helga the Horrible-esque: Helen Taft

Like the comic strip character, Helen Taft constantly berated her husband for his foibles and soft demeanor in the rough and tumble world of pillaging/politics. By all accounts, President William Howard Taft hated politics. He was a lawyer by trade and his dream was to one day be on the Supreme Court. Repeatedly, he ran for office to get his wife to shut the hell up and each time won—the curse of being a generally likeable, nice guy. Helen didn’t just push around the 300-pound Taft, though. When President Theodore starting looking for a Secretary of War in 1904, Helen barged in and pushed Roosevelt into meeting and appointing Taft to the position—despite Taft’s complete lack of military service up to that point. For the record, convincing Teddy Roosevelt of anything was kind of like convincing a lion; I mean people lost their arms doing that. And if that wasn’t enough, Helen symbolically unseated Roosevelt by becoming the first wife of a president to ride alongside her husband down Pennsylvania Avenue on Inauguration Day. Traditionally, the outgoing president had accompanied the new president—cramming as much humiliation and overwhelming glee into one carriage as possible.

Acquired the Most State Secrets: Edith Galt Wilson

Famously, Edith Wilson was Woodrow Wilson’s second wife and primary caregiver after his stroke(s). For a little more than a year, Edith relayed information to the “recovering” president and then relayed his directions to the White House staffers, advisors, generals, Cabinet secretaries and other politicians. While this stands as (only possibly) one of the most audacious conspiracies in American history, Edith and Woodrow’s courtship was far more appalling…and juicy! As one joke went, when Edith Galt heard the President propose marriage, she nearly fell out of bed. Moreover, the Washington Post famously ‘misprinted’ a line about the couple (not yet married) at a local theater production. The line “rather than paying attention to the play, the President spent the evening entertaining Mrs. Galt” was actually circulated as, “the President spent the evening entering Mrs. Galt.” Hey-Oh! More horrifying, in wooing Edith, Woodrow routinely shared state secrets and correspondences between world leaders. Woodrow even taught Edith to decode messages from Europe—you know, in case she had to act as president some day, or something crazy like that. For real, it’s not like anything was really going on in European from 1915 to 1919. Oh wait. World War I.

Most Likely to Have Murdered a President: Florence Harding

If Edith’s exploits horrified you, you might want to skip this paragraph because Florence Harding takes the cat (what?) for most potentially dangerous First Lady. When a young Warren G. Harding was the chief editor of an Ohio newspaper, he put his wife in charge of shaking people down for their subscription payments. In 1920, he was coaxed into running but was a long shot. Unsure about a life in politics, Florence went to a fortuneteller who said Warren would win the presidency but die shortly after. This stellar news prompted Florence to begin campaigning for her husband by, again, shaking people down. Two years later, the President became wrapped up in a series of scandals—usually as a result from trusting friendly criminals. While trying to solve the scandals and/or not getting implemented, President Harding died. Several attending doctors disagreed over the cause of death, speculating stroke, apoplexy, heart attack or “angel shortage in Heaven.” Florence made things more difficult by not allowing any autopsies and burning her husband’s correspondences, letters and tell-all memoirs. In truth, several sources heard her tell her husband, during his funeral, “no one can hurt you now.”

Most “Out of his League”: Lou Hoover

Lou Hoover grew up in Iowa as a tomboy who enjoyed camping, hunting, horseback riding and taxidermy (kids never change). She then graduated from Stanford University as the school’s first female geology major. Bored, Lou and her husband moved to China during the Boxer Rebellion and there became fluent in Mandarin—making her first known phrase likely, “Don’t shoot me, I know where the opium is!” During WWI, she helped Belgium refugees and was decorated by the Belgian king. And she spoke Latin. As First Lady, Lou invited Jessie De Priest, wife of America’s first black Congressman, to the White House for tea. This outrageous(?) display of hospitality was unacceptable to several political couples who then refused to come to the White House after it had been “defiled.” Lou gave several radio broadcasts and was praised for having a voice that made Connee Boswell sound like a garbage truck. Lou's husband was Herbert Hoover—one of the least popular presidents in history after his inept handling of the Great Depression, Mexican Repatriation and the "Bonus March" disaster. But Lou was always great.

Also, they should have called her "Babe-raham Lincoln," am I right?

Most Globetrotting (in time, not distance): Eleanor Roosevelt

Aside from her inexplicable ability to swish half-court shoots, Eleanor deserves this title for racking up millions of frequent flier miles before, during and after WWII. In 1918, Eleanor discovered love letters between Franklin Roosevelt and his mistress Lucy Mercer. Playing it cool, Eleanor offered Franklin a divorce but Franklin refused, as he believed no divorced man could possibly have a future in politics. Pause. Okay, so Eleanor never quite gets over the affair—especially since FDR kept seeing Lucy up to the day he died. Literally, Lucy held him as he died. Of course at the time nobody knew about the affair and everybody just thought Eleanor liked traveling. Bob Hope, at the 1942 Correspondence’s Dinner, joked that FDR and Winston Churchill’s hardest task in war planning was finding out where to attack and not have Eleanor get caught in the crossfire. FDR nearly choked on his cigarette, he laughed so hard. When Eleanor finally had to play hostess to the king and queen of England, she served them hotdogs—delighting everybody. Oh, and for speaking in favor of Civil Rights on a cross-country tour in the 1950s, the KKK put a $25,000 bounty on the former First Lady’s head—to which she said (something along the lines of), “Come and get me, assholes.”

PAUL: The Alien is Too Familiar

Is the parody movie genre an inevitable handicap? I want to say, “no, of course not, what a stupid question and stupid introductory sentence.” Yet, after seeing the movie, “Paul” I can’t shake the feeling that parody is a seasoning, appropriate, even delicious, in small dosages—whereas your night is ruined if you eat a full course meal of oregano. The real probe in my ear about “Paul,” though, is that the movie is not explicitly a parody, yet the movie barely exists if you take away the audience’s pre-existing, collective, cultural memory.

The movie’s first shots are imitations of “Close Encounter’s of the Third Kind,” culminating in a crash landing and the killing of some dog. Funny? In a different world perhaps. Here, what is really accomplished? Nothing. An hour later, our effortless expert, occasionally nude, alien protagonist asks for Reese’s Pieces, ala “E.T.” This isn’t really a joke so much as it is the filmmakers nudging the audience, asking if we remember the previous friendly alien. Had Paul said anything else, it could have been characterization, thematic, insightful or plot-moving rather than an unaffecting quip. This is not to say a good movie should be stripped of jokes, but rather the jokes need a zest to them. “Paul” could have been a road trip, multi-national, stoner-comedy and still not have numerous, blunt, movie references; and had this been the case, “Paul” could, at the very least, achieve a cult following. As is, this won’t happen because why would anybody follow banality that clings to the shoulders of giants?

Story-wise, the film has a solid set-up of four different groups of people trying to catch Paul and help/stop him reaching his destination: Devil’s Tower--a parody deserving a yawn. These ensemble-type stories work best when characters are arranged and rearranged in groups throughout the story because they don’t have to like or know each but all want the same thing. “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” did this to an iconic, three-hour degree years ago. Enemies or strangers teaming up to travel across county is dramatic, cinematic and hilarious. Alas, “Paul” would much rather wallow in nothingness around a campfire, at times even mocking this notion of character/plot evolution.

In fact, “Paul” uses the concept of “evolution,” but only to take awkward swipes at the religious right in America. Of course characters are allowed to be atheists and films can talk about the false dichotomy between religion and science, but movies should not be allowed to plunge into the territory with relentless ‘straw man’ attacks. The connection between God-believers and alien-believers is tentative, to where the freaking Catholic Pope has said one does not (dis)prove the other—perhaps paving the way for a startling, interstellar, Vatican confession. The lines poking at the religious characters aren’t so much jokes as they are resorts to “clapter” (def: the audience clapping in approval, not to be confused with laughter). The movie pushes this science-only, demagogue ideology into stereotype symbolism by having Paul literally correct Ruth’s vision—a sort of secular baptism.

With Ruth (played by Kristen Wigg) now an atheist-convert, the movie takes (probably unintentional) jabs at atheism, as intertwined with alien-belief. Ruth’s character development starts and ends with her now profanity-laced vocabulary. For whatever reason God doesn’t exist because Paul does exist and for whatever reason, because God doesn’t exist neither does morality nor societal/linguistic organization. More simply, she can now say curse words—though the chosen words are absent of any religious connotation. Do atheists swear more? Apparently. And they drink, smoke pot and like aliens, all things this movie would have the viewer assume is forbidden in the Christian Bible. Conversely, if these things are “immoral,” why are they treated with more sickly sincerity than say the film’s vehicular homicide? That atheism is so admittedly and nihilistically immoral in the film, one almost thinks this movie is pro-Christian (it’s really not). Ultimately, no God-believer has the self-assured intelligence to roll their eyes at the crazed musings of an alien-believer...in the film, that is.

Fortunately, the characters are not so explicitly placed on one side of the religious discussion that they could be wearing team jerseys. No, the best friend characters (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) are actually at their best when allowed to enjoy and discuss elements of the sci-fi, alien, pop culture canon. Their enthusiasm and casual expertise show a love for the material. “The material,” in this case, being previous alien movies, just not necessarily this one. Because what is there to love? The movie, a parody/tribute/homage/lovefest to alien movies, does not add or deepen the audience’s love or intellect. Comedies can be great films so I just don’t understand how “Paul” is so determinedly ambivalent.

Making an original alien movie is not difficult, conceptually. What it really takes is just courage. Courage to say we don’t need “Star Wars” parodies. Courage to throw a curveball or to jump off a ledge because the audience knows the movie will be over in two hours and wants to remember the movie for longer. “Paul” is not a worse movie than any movie I chose not to see (“Beastly”?); for a movie’s execution can be commended while it’s concept is criticized. But “Paul” remains a deeply disappointing trudge for what should have been a fun romp.

Yet another alien movie to not make use of the phrase, "What not on Earth is that?!"

Shanghai, 1930: The Far Out East

Despite its self-endowed nickname, Las Vegas is no ‘sin city’—nor ever really was. It is simply the city that slapped “vice” on a lunch box. Havana for Californians. Like Havana in the 1950s, Vegas maintained an allusion of international diversity, despite that the diversity was owned and operated by Americans down to that Eiffel Tower restaurant. Afraid of going to France for fear of non-English speaking waiters? No worries in Las Vegas because while things are exotic, they aren’t “too exotic.” As a side note, Vegas’s Eiffel Tower holds many self-proclaimed advantages over the actual Eiffel Tower, including “awe-inspiring views of the city's international airport.” Awe-inspiring, indeed. Look over there! Now look back. This post has a new subject and for it, we go to Shanghai, China, circa 1930.

Shanghai was a vibrant port city during the 19th century, largely thanks to China’s favorable trade agreements and treaties with England. “Favorable” being a one-sided term, as China paid England millions of dollars to legally control parts of the city, though under no obligation to enforce anything—which reduced pesky tariffs to the point of international kleptomania. This led to a Chinese civil war and the repeated battles for Shanghai--not to be confused with either of the two previous Opium Wars. For the next seventy-some years, Japan, Russia, America and France elbowed their ways into similar positions as the British. While regular trading in the 1920s worked out pretty well, the drug trade turned out to be just criminally profitable.

Enter the Green Gang—an Asian criminal organization so scary that stories about them are used to terrify the Yakuza. This Big Green specialized in opium, gambling, prostitution, labor unions, bribery, protection, soccer championships, murder and just generally being jerks. These guys were not the slap-stick, tutorial-level villains of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"--the prequel/sequel of a superior film. However, that movie's production and conceptual mood did capture the mean-spiritedness of the city's vibrantly violent underground.

No, the Green Gang was serious and notoriously difficult to out-maneuver and fight for the police because of the city's international settlements. Basically, embassies act like foreign soil—as a way of maintaining international peace. However, in Shanghai, these embassies weren’t so much gated compounds but rather just streets and places on the second floor. You could walk through six countries on your way to pick up your mail—and nobody wanted anybody getting arrested on their land. And nearly everybody and, by extension, their mother had diplomatic immunity from somewhere. Several of these districts later came together, collectively known as the International Settlement. The France streets, because it’s France, did not join the settlement, but rather formed The French Concession. Unlike their other concessions, this one did not give land to the Germans and is still around today, possibly known as “Little France.” Anyways, the Green Gang—who were they again?--had a magnum opus and it was their hand in the Shanghai Massacre of 1927.

In April 1927, the Chinese military--pressured by foreign investors--moved in on a bunch of communists in Shanghai and started arresting people. For whatever reason, the communists felt this was worth protesting. Here, things start getting a little “unofficial.” What is known is that hundreds of people were arrested, a lot of people (in China and internationally) feared communist revolutions, several hundred people were (legally) executed, the Green Gang had a lot of guns-for-hire and over 5,000 people went missing and presumed (illegally) executed over a couple of days. This started another--goddammit--Chinese civil war that was so violent that WWII (1938-1945) merely acted as a halftime show.

We could've used a couple of these bad boys during that Black Eyed Peas performance.

Despite, or because of, the violence, money kept pouring into Shanghai. In this case study, and in every other example, money combined with a poor legal system to allow a prostitution boom (chicka-boom-boom). Shanghai was basically the Internet of the 1930; sexual exploitation at your finger tips. If you tripped in the city, you were as likely to land on a prostitute as you were to land on the ground. By some accounts, nearly one in three women, at some point, were prostitutes—also known as "the Jersey Shore ratio." Most of these women were streetwalkers, but if that style was too "Eddie Murphy" for you, there were also a couple of brothels in town. The Japanese navy used over a 150 of them. The French Concession alone had an estimated 70,000 prostitutes—which is what, like, four Tri-Delta sorority houses? Kidding. But seriously…

As the 1930s stumbled onward, several Europeans visited Shanghai to see to the famed Foocow Road (the entertainment strip of the International Settlement). Several, several more Europeans just didn't feel like being bothered by that looming war in Europe/Africa/Russia. This would be something like trading in your Titanic ticket because the Hindenberg sounded safer. Years later, Shanghai was brutally occupied by the Japanese--still leaving sensitive international relations on par with that one time you were drunk and peed on your friend's bed. It takes about a century to get over it.

Regardless.

Several generations later, after prolonged bouts of opium-trading, opium-fighting, civil war, local corruption, international occupation, gambling-sprees, civil war (again!), labor disruptions, panics, recessions, depressions, gang warfare, several asteroids in Armageddon and rampant prostitution, Shanghai has become the centerpiece (or perhaps the whole dinning room) for China’s international cocktail party. Just in 2010, Shanghai hosted the World Exposition, attracting some 70 million visitors--even after it was confirmed China was not giving out leftover Olympic medals.

It’s just a city done right and city with more authenticity in one stoplight than Las Vegas--the flaccid owner of the 'Sin City' nomenclature--has in its entire city limits. City limits. Shanghai doesn’t have city limits; it’s a city unlimited.

Well done, you crazy city. Well done.

Awarding the First Ladies: A List of Winners (part 2)

And so I’m back, with plenty more awards to give out to former First Ladies.

Most Awkward Stepmother/First Lady: Julia Tyler

President John Tyler and Julia Gardiner began seeing each other in January 1843, a few months after the death of the First Lady, Letitia Tyler. On February 28, 1844, Tyler took Julia and others on a pleasure cruise around the Potomac River aboard the U.S. Princeton. Afraid that his guests were becoming bored, Tyler allowed a demonstration of the firing capabilities of the ship—which resulted in the freak accident of one of the massive cannons exploding. The explosion killed the Secretary of State, the Secretary of the Navy and other high-ranking U.S. federal officials. The 54-year old President John Tyler barely escaped himself. Oh, and Julia’s father was killed. Concerned that the public might find the forthcoming marriage inappropriate, the couple wed in secret. Later, Tyler’s daughters found out about the marriage and that Tyler’s sons had even been witnesses to the wedding. And then the eldest of Tyler’s daughters, 29-yeard old Mary, met Julia and discovered her new stepmother was 24 years old.

Least Consolable First Lady: Jane Pierce

While her husband Franklin Pierce ran for office, Jane Pierce constantly prayed for him to lose—believing that politics was “the devil’s work.” Frank Pierce was a career politician and the couple had two children die as infants. Jane was convinced these events were related and when Pierce won the Presidency, she knew it would claim their lives. Tragically, fate was much crueler, as on their way to D.C. for the inauguration, their train derailed and the resulting accident crushed their, last, 11-year old son. The adults were unharmed. Frank promptly became a devote atheist, “affirming” his Oath of Office with a hand on a law book. Jane went crazy and spent four years in the upper floors of the White House writing letters to her dead son and raging unintelligibly at White House attendants.

Best Sense of a Good Rebound: Mary Todd Lincoln

Mary Todd Lincoln took up the incredible challenge of equaling the great Abraham Lincoln. Abe spent much of his first year in office in the Congressional Library, reading every book about military strategy that he could. After that, he spent most days and nights at the telegram office, waiting for battle reports and immediately issuing orders back. At the end of each night (sometimes the next morning), Lincoln would come back home and find Mary Todd waiting for him, where they’d then talk about the day’s events. Mary Todd, who spent her days at soldier hospitals, called General Ulysses S. Grant “a butcher” but supported Abe full-heartily. The boyfriend she dumped before marrying Abe was a man called Stephen Douglas—who was later Abraham Lincoln’s opponent in the 1860 presidential election.

Yeah...she didn't really have "a type."

Saved the Most Presidential Lives: Julia Grant

Julia Grant was considered rather plain by her contemporaries but she had something General (and later President) Ulysses Grant could not pull himself away from. In 1852, Grant was assigned to a military base in Oregon—today’s equivalent to being assigned to, well, Oregon. Julia, mother of two at this point, couldn’t travel with him. Grant spent a couple of years wandering around drunk on the West Coast and then resigned to move back to Julia, in Illinois. Had Grant wanted to stay away from Julia, he would have still been on the West Coast for the outbreak of the Civil War, instead of in prime position to decimate the Rebels in Missouri—which he did, creating essentially the only victories the North achieved in the first years of the war. Flash forward four years and Julia takes offense that Mary Todd didn’t approve of Grant’s military strategies. The Lincoln’s then invite the Grants to join them for the premiere of “My American Cousin”—which Julia turns down. Also, Abraham Lincoln might have been a talker during plays. Regardless, Lincoln’s political life was saved by Grant’s victories, Grant’s life was saved by Julia’s dislike of Mary Todd and Andrew Johnson was saved by not having to re-go to war with the South had John Wilkes Booth’s multi-assassination conspiracy been pulled off.

Most Influenced by Her College Years: Lucy Hayes

Lucy Hayes--wife of Rutherford B. Hayes and the first First Lady college graduate--graduated from college in 1850 and while there became a strong proponent for the growing temperance movement—the social effort that meant to rid the country of alcohol and belching. During her time as First Lady, alcohol was banned from the White House, forcing people to drink the far more dangerous, unsanitary and hallucination-inducing tap water. Some politicians became so dehydrated at the White House that they may have drank their own pee, possibly inspiring her (very real) nickname, “Lemonade Lucy.” Her influence on women, higher education and America’s non-drinking culture is still evident today, as college girls are known for not getting a drink with me.

Most Kennedy-esque: Frances Cleveland

In 1873, Oscar Folsom died in a carriage accident but his bachelor friend, law partner, and, soon-to-be president, Grover Cleveland stepped in to help the widow and family. By the 1880s, the public began to suspect Cleveland would marry his old friend’s widow. In 1886--while president--Old Grover did not marry the widow but sidestepped any forth-coming criticism by marrying the widow’s 21-year old daughter, Frances. Frances became an instant celebrity. Everyone wanted a picture of the (beautiful?) girl and her likeness was used to sell everything in the booming consumer culture. Grover Cleveland tried to get Congress to pass a law protecting celebrities from having their image used without permission—but failed. Frances, to her credit, was instrumental in helping early career women and holding receptions with grace and class. After Cleveland’s failed bid for re-election in 1888, Frances reportedly told White House attendants to not touch her shit in the closet because she was going to be back in four years. And she was.

To be continued…

THE PLANET OF THE APES: An Ape-ealing Esc-ape

Originally published 11/22/2009 on "FuninFiction.blogspot.com"

This review contains spoilers: the planet is Earth.

The original “Planet of the Apes” is arguably the best classic movie that people don’t watch anymore. Part of the blame is on the cataclysmic amount of parodies, all deriving from the same iconic, though over-emphasized, ending scene. The twist is not the whole movie, nor even in the best 5 moments. Like “The Sixth Sense,” audiences have turned against a great movie because the ending made a monkey out of them. Guess what? There is a lot more to the movies than the endings. Also, part of the blame is on Tim Burton, who showed audiences a movie about a bunch of monkey business and nothing more. No, the 1968 film is incredible and I mean that in the least sarcastic way possible because when a movie’s flaws contribute to its greatness, that’s a pretty damn good movie.

The film starts off with Charlton Heston smoking a cigar in his spaceship while contemplating the vanity and violence that plagues mankind (completely disregarding that a global war was funding the space race that made his inter-stellar voyage possible). Regardless, his mentality is not applauded by the movie as he is then put in a world of like-minded individuals who hate humanity as much as himself. This is the self-destructive story of a misanthrope man vs. a misanthrope society. When this is the case in life, everyone is hurt. Lesson to viewers: lighten up. This message has since been lost on audiences over the last twenty years but should come back with a hopeful vengeance.

Then our heroes crash land on the planet--killing one of four astronauts--and travel around the desert landscape to a monotonous, eerie death march of blind exploration. Great moments ensue (including the best gay skinny dipping this side of “Alexander”), two more ‘nauts drop and Heston becomes a temporary mute captive and then just a temporary captive.

Before Heston regains his ability to swear, though never losing his ability to be belligerent, the movie hits upon another great concept relevant pre-moon landing and 40 years after the famous mooning. The monkeys in charge do not explore “The Forbidden Zone” because there is “nothing out there.” The undertone here is that wasting your time and resources is “forbidden.” Regarding space travel, this is the obvious counter-argument to going to Mars--or even the Moon again. Only the most astute students know there can be no discovery, no advancement at all, without exploration. But the audience must free its collective, voting, mind for spatial exploration. This is about education and cultural diversity. Exploring sciences and cultures lead to discoveries. Isolating oneself in anyway is never profitable or acceptable.

Shortly after, Heston vocally suggests the monkeys stop manhandling him and is put on trial, alongside his two staunch owners. This monkey trial has shades of the McCarthy communist hearings, as people are being tried for their beliefs rather than any actual crime, but the more overt message is the more appropriate one; and that’s the concept of “scientific heresy.” The science of Heston naturally learning to speak flies in the face of ancient, unalienable, scrolls. These scrolls, unlike science’s “theories,” are fact and allow any evidence put forth to be “contestable.” Note: Dr. Zaius asserts that science and religion are not in conflict with each other, but rather science is wrong until it agrees with religion. Hauntingly realistic, Zaius goes on to echo the sentiment that it is religion--not science--that holds together society. While maintaining societal peace may be a greater good, it is not the greatest good. Ultimately the film’s antagonists escape actual debate/schooling, making their views so repeatable, relevant and damned disagreeable that progressives might attempt to choke their energy-efficient TV.

So science is found guilty of being secular and the apes of religion are shown to be apes of wrath by sentencing Heston to a dreary fate of isolation (with a beautiful woman), eerily rivaling his situation in “The Omega Man.” Then somehow, Heston finds shaving cream, shaves, and helps uncover human fossils, including Ernest Borgnine (nah, he's lovable). Monkeys with guns show up, start some gorilla warfare and everybody ends up with a gun to their head—just how Heston likes it. Eventually Heston is freed but newfound knowledge is silenced and destroyed. Oddly, there is a tragic, albeit subtle, implication that the lovers Cornelius and Zira and their teenager helper, Lucius, are executed off-screen.

"Shit...I think he's right about that."

And as for the ending, I believe it was actually a parody itself, as the line “You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” is identical to the profanity-riddled ending of “Gone With the Wind.” I guess I just really want to clarify that some of the most imperative movies to our time were actually made for another time. I don’t mean this as a smear against modern films, but rather an ovation of classic films deserving of their classic status. Maybe a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters could eventually produce a movie of this quality, but I highly doubt it.

Unless they just did.

Women of Liberia: A Revolution against Violence

I have been told there has been a lot of talk about protesting going around. Having not talked to many people, I have to take the word of the few. The history of protesting is rich and appropriately controversial. And having never participated in a real protest myself, I feel I am most qualified to speak on the issue objectively. The protest in history being reviewed today is the “Women of Liberia Mass Action for Peace” organization. And they did protesting right.

Distant History:

In 1816, a coalition of Americans established the American Colonization Society with the express purpose of sending freed slaves back to Africa. The thinking was that blacks would never integrate into American society, even after the inevitable (a Northern-sentiment) end of slavery, so it would just be best to kick the former slaves back to Africa. In 1822, they purchased some land in Africa and established Liberia, settled by 86 African-American-Africans. As reward for his hard work and support, they named their capital Monrovia—after President James Monroe. Go figure, these freed slaves (nearly all born/raised in America) thought of themselves as Americans and clashed with the indigenous Africans. The settlement boomed in population but the Americo-Liberians remained a demographic minority. Joseph Jenkins Roberts, born and raised in America, became Liberia's first President and helped institute a government and constitution wherein the Americo-Liberian elite easily seized political power and restricted the voting rights of the indigenous population. Yeah, Joe Roberts and his True Whig Party were pretty American.

SIDE NOTE:

They did not wear “wigs,” but rather the name can be traced back to the Scottish-Gaelic word “whiggamor.” The word translates to ‘cattle driver,’ which was a lowly profession during England’s Exclusion Bill Crisis of 1680, itself a result of good, old-fashioned Catholic-bashing—which also explains several dropped story lines in Community. Or maybe not.

You really should watch this show.

Recent History:

Anyhow! Damn near without global equal, the TWP held on to power until 1980 when a CIA and Ronald Reagan-backed Samuel Doe led a coup d'etat, killing the President and over 100 other “communist” politicians. Amazingly, this military leader stepped down from power and Liberia entered a period of peace and posterity. No wait, Doe continued to go after “communists” in the country with a hatchet. Damn, I really had a good feeling about that one. Doe loses the battle of a lifetime about 10 years later and Charles Taylor takes over, making sure to continue the nation’s civil war, directly killing over 200,000 people and displacing/starving millions of others.

Decent History:

Enter Leymah Gbowee, a female social worker who, in 2003, organized women at her church to stage a protest at the local fish market (basically a field alongside a busy road). Asatu Bah Kenneth gets wind of this idea and organizes all the women she knows from her mosque. The two groups got together and formed “Women of Liberia Mass Action for Peace.”

What They Did:

More than just writing their opinions on signs, the women agreed upon their goals and sacrifices. They understood the difference between policies and principles; in that “policy” is about what you are willing to sacrifice to maintain your principles. Anybody can be for peace, but what are you willing to sacrifice for it? Lunch? A million dollars? This group sacrificed revenge---which, in the eye of the gun-holder, is usually called “justice.” And yeah, several of these women had guns. But they decided peace was needed more than anything. Especially more important than having a romantic life—their sacrifice that got more attention. Before long, the thousands of women agreed to stop having sex with their husbands and boyfriends—many of whom were out getting “justice.” And just like that, nearly the entire country stopped getting any action.

First Result:

Dictator Charles Taylor and the multiple rebel groups all agreed to meet in nearby Ghana for an international, intra-national peace conference. Several members of the “Women of Liberia” movement traveled to Ghana to continue applying pressure on all sides. When talks began to break down, the women (perhaps inspired by Bart Simpson) surrounded the conference building and barricaded the doors. Incredibly, Charles Taylor agreed to resign and be exiled to Nigeria, meaning he might be that person emailing you asking for your bank information. The rebel groups all agreed to a two-year transitional and democratic government.

Later Results:

Several of the rebel leaders—some well-known gang leaders, murderers, thieves and rapists—secured official government positions, though have the women still watching their every move. Also, in October 2005 Liberia experienced its most free, fair, and peaceful elections in history. International soccer star George Weah lost to Ellen Johnson Sirleaf—Africa’s first democratically elected female president.

Why the Secret?

Assuming we need Hollywood to popularize history, the simple answer to this story’s obscurity is found in Western pessimism. Oh, we love happy endings, no doubt. And this is a happy ending, Newsweek, Time, Forbes and The Economist rank Sirleaf as high as “the best president the country has ever had.” But if this was a movie, who would Bruce Willis play? Or Tim Robbins? Or Jennifer Connelly? White people aside, America the Country doesn’t look good at any point in this story until the epilogue. And there aren’t any 24-style Muslim terrorists. The conflicts are barely religious yet the group’s formation was principled on religious inclusion. Maybe the story is just too good for Hollywood.

For people looking to protest against the world around them, a little humility might open up new ideas. Passion is a great tool to wield and it doesn’t need to be reserved for the most egregious crimes against humanity. So lets learn, lets move on and move forward.

Because the key to winning is not letting yourself lose twice in a row.