The New England Patriots: Football's Ultimate David

The “David vs. Goliath” plot line in sports is as fun as it is cliché and, in fact, it might be the most of both. In 2002, New England beat the 14-point favorite St. Louis Rams. Largely remembered as a case study for the “NFL is rigged” conspiracy theorists (Jesse Ventura, etc.), this was the first Superbowl after the September 11th attacks and so it seemed “too fitting” that the scrappy “Patriots” would prove to be America’s best team. Hell, the Superbowl logo for that year was deliberately changed to be more patriotic and the game itself was pushed back a week in honor of the attacks four months prior. From a PR prospective, the Rams didn’t have a snowball's chance in Vegas. Still, the Patriots came to dominate professional football for the next decade with a narrative beauty that is entirely unmatched.

The 14-point spread granted by the gambling gods was one of the largest for any Superbowl ever. Yes, even “Dallas vs. Buffalo: Part Two: First Blood.” Even if they had no other information, the sports media would have called this a “David vs. Goliath” story. Fortunately, they had even more evidence to support this set-up. The St. Louis Rams, fueled by their “Greatest Show on Turf,” had won the 2000 Superbowl and coasted to a 14-2 record and blasted through two previous playoff games like James Bond at an Atlantic City poker table. Indeed, for the first time ever, things were looking good in St. Louis.

Conversely, New England barely started the football season off in the right stadium, they were so lost. In their second game, star (?) quarterback Drew Bledsoe went down with an injury and the Patriots were forced to trod out a doughy second-year quarterback named Tom Brady. Baby Face Brady (as he was never called) experienced record-breaking success and matched up famously with Coach Bill Belicheck (who was still in his Senator Palpatine stage).

"So he looks like Joe Lieberman to everybody else too, right?"

Continuing the narrative symbolism to an almost redundant level, the Patriots broke NFL tradition by not introducing the starters individually but by having the entire team introduced as one collective. Lifted from the school of Disney sports movies, the corny beauty of athletic camaraderie (in the backdrop of national solidarity) set an obvious precedent of which the NFL has yet to waiver from to this day.

As the story had to go, with some dashing luck and plenty of moxie, the Patriots turned what should have been the worst Superbowl since the year before (that Ravens-Giants stinker) into a game worthy of watching for 86 million television viewers. David had slain Goliath. All was well. But then something happened. Something nobody could have dreamed. The David Story continued.

I was raised Catholic—which, among other things, means I never really had to read the Bible. Every week my family would go to church and hear the priest give a book report on the Bible that could go no longer than 60 minutes or people would hold up their arms and start tapping on their watches. However, I did pick up that the same David that killed Goliath later became king. Similarly, the Patriots went on to win 2 more Superbowls and otherwise ruled the NFL for a few years.

As the story of Bible-David goes, King David lost God’s favor royally by screwing around with Bathsheba—a married woman. The song “Hallelujah” covers this story somewhat, but has since been used in so many movies and TV shows that the song’s original writer/singer, Leonard Cohen, has asked for it not to be used anymore. Regardless, King David acted a fool with some broad and then tried to cover his tracks by having her husband sent to the front lines of a battle and get killed. For his misdeeds, King David would lose a newly-born son, a wife and favor with God.

This comes back to the Patriots with the devastating spy-camera scandal and subsequent investigation--predicatively--named Spygate. I guess it’s like “Watergate”…except there’s spying…or whatever. Yeah, the sports writers didn’t exactly earn their paychecks with that one. 

Anyhow, the New England Patriots were found guilty of videotaping the New York Jets and punished with a series of fines and loss of their…pause for dramatic effect…first-round selection in the 2008 draft. Just when they were about to bring some new life into their football family, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell smote them. However, other stinging accusations of videotapes never came to pass and so 31 self-righteous teams felt the Patriots got off easy.

A few millenniums ago, King David would spend his remaining years vainly fighting off insurrections orchestrated by his own sons until eventually ceding the throne to wise Solomon. Appropriately, the New England Patriots would experience similar, fleeting success for the next four years; but ultimately found themselves humiliated twice by the New York Giants—a team that shared a stadium with the Patriots’ original accusers, the Jets. In both Superbowl matchups, the Patriots were the odds-on favorite but fell short to New York--who continued their revenge spree with the death of Osama Bin Laden two months after the second Superbowl win (just to pointlessly tie this all back to September 11th).

Perhaps the Patriots (David) had become Goliath and thus deserved to fall twice for their previous, but now tainted, victories. Perhaps they just stayed as “David” and lost to the most appropriately-named team of Goliaths: the Giants. In either case, I feel the narrative has wrapped up nicely and I would like to conclude my well-documented dislike of the New England Patriots.

This season will be a fresh start for me and the Patriots, which is huge relief because rooting against the previous decade’s most successful NFL team was really exhausting. Now I can focus on bashing the would-be Cinderella team that has since turned into the Courtney Love of football: the Detroit Lions.

NFL Predictions: The Big Game

The NFL likely employs as many lawyers as athletes, if only to draft up legal waivers that make Mephistophiles hesitate and enforce the warning that every football fan could eerily and unknowingly regurgitate upon prompting:

“This telecast is copyrighted by the NFL for the private use of our audience. Any other use of this telecast or of any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the game without the NFL’s consent, is prohibited.”

Beyond that, public Superbowl parties can’t say “Superbowl” © and instead use euphemisms like “The Big Game.” The NFL, ever seeking to decrease fun, actually tried to copyright “The Big Game” a couple years back but the University of California and Stanford threw a fit, noting their own use of “The Big Game” for the last 120 years. Fortunately, there are no ads on this blog and certainly no other income so I think Mac and myself will escape the misbegotten hammer of corporate legality.

New York vs. New England (-2.5)

NICK:

A rematch of one of the best Superbowls in history, with many characters returning. Clearly, nobody has to worry about the Patriots unconscionably/tragically/hilariously overlooking the Giants this year. In 2008, Sith Lord Belichick couldn’t muster the decency to meet his counterpart on the field for a post-game handshake and I don’t think the humbling loss did anything to help Belichick grow as a person. He’ll just be more desperate.

Eli Manning gets to play in Indianapolis, strangely making him the best quarterback named Manning in Indianapolis. Or at least making him the Manning with the healthiest neck. Don’t worry, the city will be back down to zero before long. Sadly, Peyton Junior could probably win the Superbowl (trumping his older brother) and I still wouldn’t hesitate to pick Peyton proper in what would surely be an incredible pick-up game of football.

Problem is, Eli is still that clumsy, goofy kid in the high school film and wouldn’t be the main character in his own biopic. In the same high school film, Tom Brady would be the star quarterback. Nah, too obvious. Tom Brady is the cafeteria worker because incongruities in casting are hilarious. Eli Manning even makes a better sour face than Tom Brady when his team absolutely tanks once every other month.

Begrudgingly, I accept that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady make up one of the most powerful duos in the history of football, to the point that whether they actually win this game or not is a rather minor point. However, this would be as good as a point as any to point out the “revenge” aspect of the game. Is Brady playing with a chip on his shoulder, the same chip that powered him through his darkest days? Or perhaps the Patriots leaders will be just too consumed with anger and second-guessing that they’ll overplay their emotions.

In the hopes of a Giants-Patriots trilogy, I almost want the Giants to lose, giving us all that dark second movie vibe. Narrative-wise, that’s how it has to work. Then again, the second “Toy Story” movie wasn’t exactly ‘the dark one’ of that trilogy. It was the worst, though. Short running time, broad humor, repeated sentiments and kind of a rushed cash-in, really. Obviously this means the Giants will win. Obviously.

MAC:

"I consider myself in that class. Tom Brady is a great quarterback, he's a great player and what you've seen with him is he's gotten better every year. He started off winning championships and I think he's a better quarterback now than what he was, in all honesty, when he was winning those championships.” –Eli Manning, on August 16, 2011.

The response to this statement was something like “Hello, Earth calling Eli, Earth calling Eli, come in Eli.” and “Somebody wake this guy up. He’s dreaming.” The analyst scoffed at the notion that Eli was “Elite” and that he would compare himself to Tom Brady. The season saw Eli take this dysfunctional Giants team on his back and carry them until they finally hit their stride as the season ended. Eli is now looked at as the Giants’ slayer, taking down the Pats’ perfect season, Brett’s last Lambeau Leap, Rodger’s Repeat. This season, Eli played every game as if he was saying “I told you so.” Now to prove he’s in Brady’s class, he has to…well, beat Brady again.

So many fans are going to be rooting for the Giants simply because the Pats disgust us as an organization. They win too much, they’re too secretive, they cheat, Brady knocks up actresses and marries models, Belichick is too cheap to pay for dry-cleaning, the owner Bob Kraft is clogging America’s arteries, the name “New England” lacks precision in indicating team location. There are so many reasons why we can’t stand the Patriots. None of those reasons matter to me.

It comes down to 60 semi-consecutive minutes on Feb.5th. The first time they played for all the marbles, we saw one of the greatest QB battles in the history of the NFL. Now they are both better, they both have something to prove. In all honesty I just want to watch another great game. I also want to see revenge, I want to see the Patriots reclaim their glory. What’s the point of hating a team that hasn’t won a Superbowl since 2004? Patriots win and we still have a team to despise for the next decade.

NFL Predictions: Division Weekend

As teams are eliminated, football fans become more divided in their ideological entrenchments—thus this round is known as the “divisional.”

Houston at Baltimore

NICK: Of the AFC teams, I’d like the Ravens in the Superbowl most, but getting three good games (in a row) out of Joe Flacco would be among the biggest shockers of the year—right beyond discovering the mortality of Al Davis. The Ravens got the bye week and they might have needed it as much as any team, if only for the extra deliberation. Flacco, leading the second-seeded Ravens, is something like the 26th best quarterback in the league, so he’s kind of become the Trent Dilfer of Ravens’ quarterbacks. I’d Ray Rice over Arian Foster, and not just because Arian is a stupid name. Ray Lewis eats running backs to fuel his pre-game pump ups, The Texans can make their real Superbowl run next year. Ravens.

MAC: Two great defenses, two great running backs, special teams play is relatively even. This game is going to come down to the pass offense. Joe Flacco, no matter what is said, is a strong-armed thrower with many targets. TJ Yates is a timid player that is doing an amazing job care-taking this playoff team. Yates too has many targets, especially if Andre Johnson continues returning to form. This is one of the few playoff games this year with the classic strong run, strong D style. Passing will have to decide it and Flacco is head and shoulders above Yates. Arian Foster will have to have an even better game this week, which is tough considering he was flawless during Wildcard Weekend. Ravens win and no headline will get to say “Flacco on His Back-o” this week.

New York (Giants) at Green Bay

NICK: New York kept Green Bay honest earlier this year in a game, losing by three to the undefeated Packers. Now Eli is playing well, the Giants have formed a running game and tightened their defense. Really, this game has several components of the 2008 Giants-Patriots Superbowl. Football stops making sense when people start assuming things and while the Packers’ loss to Kansas City might have refocused them away from the worst 18-1 record imaginable, I don’t think the astronomically better 18-1 record that Green Bay now has a shot at is “a lock.” Giants in the upset!

MAC: Can we all just assume that the Packers and the Saints will get to play a rematch of that spectacular Week One showing? Well before that can happen, the Packers will have to deal with the pesky Giants. This team, as I’ve stated pretty much every week, is ridiculous. Their sieve of a defense has only been able hang their hat on the pass rush all season, until miraculously they have gelled at the end of the year, holding a dynamic Falcons offense to no points in the Wildcard match up. Even the Giants non-existent run game finally showed up for the playoffs. The Packers were beat by the Chiefs in Week 15 because a strong pass rush, shutdown corners, and a balanced offense that killed the clock and kept Rodgers off the field. The Giants don’t have the corners, but they also have great passing game that can keep them in a shootout and a pass rush that could cause Aaron Rodgers to turn it over (cuz GB isn’t punting it). I look for this to be an amazing game and a one of the first games to push Rodgers to his limits. But Packers win, close game, lot of points.

New Orleans at San Francisco

NICK: The 49ers strike me as the softest 13-3 team in recent memory. They’re good, but they’re not that good. Alex Smith has thrown 17 touchdowns for 3,144 yards—which Drew Brees could do while filming another Nightquil commercial. Seriously, the Saints have more weapons than the entire Russian military. It’s amazing that Brees hasn’t started foaming at the mouth with glee while Sean Payton tried to sneak additional footballs onto the field. However, I like that Alex Smith has had enough low points in his career (i.e. his entire career) to be kept honest. Here’s hoping Alex Smith throws at least some interceptions to his own teammates, but all of San Francisco could not score as much in three hours as the Saints. New Orleans.

MAC: A Harbaugh Superbaugh would be great. A Packers-Saints 100 point duel in the NFC championship would be so much better. Did you watch the Saint-Lions game? Drew Brees and Sean Payton are terrible people. With the game in hand and a running game that is shredding up the defense, the Saints decided to keep throwing on the Lions. When I say “throwing” I don’t mean using pass plays. I mean chucking it to the end zone and snapping the ball with 20 seconds on the play clock. This team didn’t want to let the game end. Even on the final possession, both Brees and Payton were biting their lips when they started kneeling on the Lions 5-yard line. That doesn’t change the fact that the Saints are out for blood. The 49ers defense is strong, but the Saints offense is lethal. Packers-Saints facing off in the North of Forty-Conference Championship game.

Denver at New England

NICK: “Told you so,” is the sweetest phrase sport writers ever get to utter and many have been savoring the chance in the Great Tebow Debate. At this point, though, I don’t think they can bask in any self-serving joy--even if the Patriots crush the Broncos like a glue factory. Tebow had the best game of his career on the most important night for him to date. A best game that didn’t even require a 50% completion rate. Flip side, the Patriots have spent their last two playoff games getting carved up by the likes of Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez and who can say Tebow couldn’t join that list? And this is not to mention the teams’ last meeting where Denver jumped to a 16-7 lead. Tom Brady had a guest spot on “Entourage” and Tim Tebow could only belong in a Wal-Mart-sponsored, straight-to-DVD, “family friendly” flick. Mac believes in magic and aced all of last week; I need to believe in New England’s offense and earn my bread. Patriots.

MAC: In Nick’s drunken stupor that was clearly caused by Tebow’s Wildcard performance, he called me up midway through the 4th Quarter of the game. He started babbling about the idea of football affecting our belief in God, posing the idea of Tebow being the Good and Patriots being the Evil. Nick loves creating this Republic-like description of the Patriots…(EDITED BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT – Nick) All I know is I’m going to have to drink a lot of this Vodka to pick Tebow again, so here it goes.

First shot: The Patriots have a merciless pass game that few defenses can stop.

Second shot: The Steelers gambled by playing the safeties up to stop the run, but they didn’t have the cover corners to pull it off. This is not going to be the Patriots plan. Their defense strategy will be to allow the run, then clamp down in the red zone.

Third Shot: I should have bought UV instead of Svedka.

Fourth Shot: How tall are these shot glasses?

Fifth Shot: The Patriots destroyed them already, right?

Sixth shot: If the Broncos play like they did against the Steelers, can the Patriots play like they did in Week 15 and still win.

Seventh Shot: The Patriots are assholes and now Bill Bela-Fuck and “Scandals” McDaniels are reunited. It makes me wanna puke.

Eighth Shot: I did puke and now I feel better.

Ninth Shot: He’s Tebow. Do you believe in God? Sorry, that’s too personal of a question. Do you believe in Tebow? This question may garner more hostility. Broncos win and I need some sleep.

Tenth Shot: Nick, if you pick the Broncos I will be angry.

NFL Predictions: Wild Card Weekend

Ah yes, the playoffs. Finally, we have arrived at the week that hosts the best wild cards this side of “Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” Of course any summaries of the regular season would be woefully inept and premature, so let’s get to the games.

Pittsburgh at Denver

NICK: Let me get this straight, Tim Tebow goes 7-1 in his first run as a starting NFL quarterback, winning most of the games in dramatic fashion. Then, in the most audacious comeback (not perpetrated on the Giants), Tebow lets the Broncos lose three straight games by a combined score of 88-40 to actually end their season. THEN, about thirty minutes after entering their locker room Tebow has the Chargers trump the Raiders, thus catapulting Denver back into the playoff picture. Regardless, Tebow’s tricks have been figured out and that 7-1 streak looks rather mediocre now that none of the fallen teams made it to the playoffs themselves. At this point, I think the Broncos would be better off playing Brady Quinn at quarterback—if for no other reason than to throw the Steelers one helluva curve ball. Frankly, I think the Steelers put together one of the quietest 12-4 seasons in recent memory (their 4 losses all coming from eventual division winners). Steelers will bring some thunder to Mile High and Tebow will go back to being one-half of a quarterback controversy.

MAC: The Tebow Train seems to have derailed. Tebow Time doesn’t even exist anymore. The Steelers, despite the uncertainty of Big Ben, seem like a guarantee to defeat the Broncos that backed their way into the playoffs. But I like magic. I love the idea that Tebow, who can’t get his completion percentage over 50, still has the ability to batter defenses. This Broncos team plays how the Steelers did before the Big Ben era. Basically this ground game is going to slowly chip away at teams. They’ll settle for field goals, but every now and again they will bust out a big play. And because of their clock management that’s all they need. High powered offenses have destroyed the Broncos. The Steelers aren’t really that. Keep the score low and one big play gives them the ability to hold on to a tight game. I say this week they get that play, and they beat the Steelers. Magic.

Cincinnati at Houston

NICK: For me, gauging the Texans is like trying to find meaning in a Clint Eastwood film. Sure, all the pieces are there, and none of the pieces are particularly weak—good at times even—but something just doesn’t add up. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. It’s a valid point to say the Bengals are a soft 9-7 team, a middle child of the AFC North. Indeed, they haven’t beaten any playoff team; but with the injuries the Texans have suffered, Houston isn’t a playoff team anymore. Cincinnati wins and the 3 of the 4 remaining AFC teams hail from the same division.

MAC: Do we really want to watch this game? How much will Andre Johnson’s possible return affect the quarterback-less Texans? The Bengals have done a great job of beating mediocre teams (9-0) but lost to every playoff team they faced this season (0-7), including against the Texans in Week 14. Neither team has a good shot against New England or Baltimore. I think the Texans have a better shot of making noise in the playoffs with a top defense and rushing attack. Clearly I’m picking the winners based on what I want to see happen vs. what probably will happen so….. Texans.

Detroit at New Orleans

NICK: The Saints got humiliated in last year’s Wild Card game and so they’re going to be ready this time. Beyond that, they are a better team this year and comfortably undefeated at home. The Big Easy, named after my ex-girlfriend (boom!), has housed the latest remake of “The Greatest Show on Turf” as the Saints’ offense set new marks in yardage and points. Seriously, they’re scoring in New Orleans as if every week is Mardi Gras. Drew Brees is going to fire through the Lions’ defense like a Roosevelt hunting party. Saints.

MAC: I predict a lot of points, a lot of passing yards, Suh punches a child wearing a Brees jersey, Suh receives a suspension going into next season, Suh denies punching the child, Suh claims the child hugged his fist so hard that it seemed like a punch, video evidence makes Suh look like a delusional douche, Suh appeals, Suh loses appeal, Suh says he beat the fear into a QB that wasn’t sacked and threw for 300yds/4TDs. Saints march over the Lions.

Atlanta at New York (Giants)

NICK: Winners of 3 of their last 4 games, Peyton Manning, Jr. has led the Giants from the brink of their annual, characteristic, seasoning-ending collapse to a viable chance at coming within two games from the Superbowl. The Falcons, good or not, just are not a very interesting team to me. So, for drama’s sake, I hope the Giants win the chance to be crushed by Green Bay next week. New York.

MAC: Eli’s back has got to hurt by now. The Giants shouldn’t be in the playoffs, but Eli keeps playing football at an elite level. People scoffed when Eli described himself as being among the elite QBs, specifically Tom Brady. Little did we know that he would have arguably the best season of his career. Which is weird because the Giants have straddled .500 all season. The defense has an amazing pass rush and absolutely nothing else. The Giants are dead last in rushing and outside of Manning’s performance, they are in turmoil. Falcons on the other hand are a tough team to judge. They seemed to be rolling, but the Saints lit them up in Week 16. This is a game that the Falcons should win but Eli has kept surprising me all season and the Falcons are clearly vulnerable. Giants

NFL Predictions: Week Fourteen

Houston at Cincinnati (-2.5)

Nick: The Texans are 9-3 (and winners of 6 in a row) because they play in the AFC South. The Bengals went on their own 5-0 run exactly because they didn’t play anybody else in their division. You can’t play third fiddle in a conference with the Ravens and Steelers and expect to be a playoff contender. Strangely, being third banana (or fiddle or whatever) has worked out well for T.J. “Who?” Yates, the now-starting quarterback for the Texans. With no managerial direction, the Texans recently picked up Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia—two more quarterbacks who have a combined 96 years in the NFL. Seriously, Houston has become the football equivalent of a “Rat Race” remake, complete with a smorgasbord of C-level stars. How many quarterbacks do they plan on using? They now have five with serious NFL experience, and none that will celebrate a Division Round playoff win. Still, fuck it. Texans.

Mac: Despite an outrageous QB carousel, the Texans just keep winning. Tate took the reins this past Sunday and still beat a solid Falcons team. The Bengals on the other hand have done a great job of holding off inferior opponents but haven’t had enough steam to beat playoff teams. If the Bengals can hold Arian Foster to a modest performance then their corners should take advantage of an inexperienced QB. Even so, this is a well-rounded Texans team that is built to outlast a team like the Bengals. Texans

Philadelphia at Miami (-2.5)

Nick: The Eagles and the Dolphins are meeting at the middle of inversely related seasons. True to their respective mascots, the Eagles have absolutely plummeted from pre-season highs and the Dolphins, a team that annually struggles to keep its head above water has actually risen from the “Suck for Luck” depths. Actually, among any of the bottom-tier teams, it seems the Dolphins are actually trying to win and doing a helluva job, too. Meanwhile I’d say the great Philadelphia-area will be drunk on Sunday in a vain effort to numb a pain whose cause can’t be diagnosed. Because of the mysterious failings, I think Andy Reid should be packing his bags. Desean Jackson might have a bit more passion with Michael Vick on the field but I’d give only even odds that Vick finishes the game. Philly’s LeSean McCoy is still one of my favorite rushers and tearing up the end zone this year. I think this will be one the games that makes no sense at all. Eagles.

Mac: Both teams are 4-8 but each have a total different perspective on their current situation. The Eagles have fallen on their faces. The Eagles still have the fastest offensive in the NFL, but after the early season meltdown they have finally quit. The DeSean Jackson situation has gone too far. None of the off-season pick-ups paid off. It’s also fairly amazing that Andy Reid quits coaching after every job saving season. Word of advice, just get rid of him before he lucks out and Michael Vick has another great year. Dolphins on the other hand are playing lights out defense, dominating 4 of their last 5 games and are a confident team that looked abysmal through the first 7 games of the season. While I can’t imagine the Eagles getting blown out for the third straight week, Dolphins win.

Kansas City at New York (Jets) (-9.5)

Nick: In case people haven’t picked up on it, I live in Kansas City and so picking the Chiefs is essential to enjoying the game in a public atmosphere. Basically they could be playing the best team ever (actually I think that’s coming up next week) and I’d still have to pick the Chiefs because about the time that I’m branded a disbeliever, well, that’s just too much. It’s no different than rooting for America in the Olympics even when its some sport I have never heard of but clearly a life-or-suicide situation for some loser country half-a-world away. I also love the Olympics because it’s the only appropriate time everybody in the country gets to be on one side and scream at “the others.” Chiefs win by forty points because Rex Ryan can bite me.

Mac: Let’s be honest, I’m going to pick the Chiefs. I could sit here and make jokes about the $2.5 million flea-flicker but my only hope is for Orton to play. I don’t think Orton is the future, but he is the right kind of QB to prove that this offensive has been held back by Matt Cassel. Is it too much to ask that without the starting QB during the toughest stretch of the season that we actually do good enough to win? Yes, it is. Instead I will root for a strong performance from Orton that finally wakes people up to the need for Matt Cassel to be replaced. Also the Chiefs are 7-5 against the spread, the Jets are 5-7 so Chiefs at least beat the spread.

New Orleans at Tennessee (+3.5)

Nick: The Saints’ defense allows nearly 400 yards a game but nobody gives a fart because the offense is countering with damn near 33 points a game. Drew Brees is the best in the league at the deep throws and just may be the lone highlight holdout this year in a position otherwise dominated by Aaron Rogers. The Saints will get their second chance at the Packers in the playoffs, but are they better than they were in Week One? No. Only the biggest twist of the season could stop the Packers at this point…perhaps some late-season resurgence of Tom Brady or a sniper in the stands during Week 15. Also, running back Chris Johnson’s “comeback” was against the Bucs and the Bills; he’ll be back to 50-yard games before long. Three and a half point spread is a gift from the gambling gods. Saints.

Mac: I don’t know what changed but Chris Johnson is finally back. That won’t win them this game. Saints are going to make every game a high-scoring thriller this year. While Johnson maybe back on track, this game will not be won by rushing. Brees keeps on pace to crush Marino’s pass yards mark, Saints win.

Chicago at Denver (-3.5)

Nick: Last week, the Bears were beat in Chicago by Tyler Palko. Broncos.

Mac: Tebow wins games. Exclusively running the option will not work week in/week out in the NFL. Tebow has a long way to go at QB, no matter how many average teams he beats. Nobody has run the option at this level in the NFL because nobody had the perfect QB. Tebow is that QB. The truth is we don’t know if Tebow will succeed, just as nobody knew that Aaron Rodgers would work out or that somebody like Kyle Boller wouldn’t. The NFL is full of extremely talented people that have to dedicated themselves to the game of football, 365 days a year. Their development is influenced by their team, their coach, their family, the media and even the fans. The development is a continually thing that will work out or it won’t. Vince Young has a skill set similar to Tebow but the pressure of the NFL derailed a winner that didn’t quite fit the QB mold. So instead of explaining why Tebow is amazing or terrible, I’ll just watch a football player test his talent. Tebow finally won a game last week using his arm, the first of his career. If he can do it this week, the lore of Tebow will grow. If not, we will have a lot of questions and Tebow will have a long week. I personally don’t think Tebow will win games against playoff teams. But Broncos win.

New York (Giants) at Dallas (-2.5)

Nick: The Cowboys lost to the Cardinals by six last week. The Giants lost to the Packers by three. Therefore…nothing. New York beat the Patriots a few weeks back, and that was fun, but otherwise the Giants have just not held their own against playoff-caliber teams. The Cowboys are taking the division and they’ll prove it with this win. Poor Eli Manning couldn’t put his foot down this year on being an elite quarterback in the league…or really even in his division, city or family. I love the man’s Leonidas-esque hard counts but you don’t score points with off-side penalties. Dallas.

Mac: Originally I thought this matchup had the most for me to talk about but not so much. Eli is playing some of his best football but its not enough. The running game is completely gone and the defense can only play with the lead which the Giants never seem to have. Romo is playing great and the running game is coming around. The Cowboys are on the upswing and the Giants are not prepared for a playoff run. But Giants win.

NFL Predictions: Week Ten

Week Ten predictions provided by Mac.

Raiders at Chargers (-7.0)/Broncos at KC(-3.0) two-fer

Does anybody really care who wins that AFC West? Chargers level the Raiders, pissing and

moaning about Carson Palmer ensues or Raiders defeat the hapless Chargers, pissing and moaning about Phillip Rivers ensues. Chiefs take advantage of a one-dimensional Broncos offense, pissing and moaning about Tim Tebow ensues, or the Broncos win with some Tebow magic, pissing and moaning about Matt Cassel…..wait a minute. Why in the hell is there not more pissing and moaning about Matt Cassel?

Sure he doesn’t throw the ball away once a quarter like Rivers and Palmer. Sure he doesn’t throw the ball away in ways where the designated receiver cannot be determined like Tim Tebow. But we are talking about a quarterback who currently has Dwayne Bowe playing certified #1 receiver like he is supposed to. Jonathan Baldwin is playing remarkably considering its his first year, his problematic nature and his fight with Thomas Jones that left he injured for the important development portions of the early season. Steve Breaston is doing all he can to make Matt Cassel to look like a real QB. Dexter McCluster is taking advantage of all the free space that the WR corps is giving him. Even the TEs are playing above their abilities with Tony Moeaki out for the year. Yet there is no talk about the poor play of Matt Cassel. He has moderate to below average arm strength, decent release but terrible ball trajectory when it comes to delivering downfield passes.

Pocket presence is very important and Matt Cassel does not have the confidence to stand in there when the rush is on. He drops his head, braces for impact and ignores the multiple options that have opened up down the field. While he is limiting his TOs, he has only learned to read coverage to know when not to throw the ball. He has only marginally improved on reading the defense to figure out where to the throw ball. This is important because it may be his second year (Ed. note: 3rd season) as Chiefs QB, but he is 28. He has studied behind Tom Brady for most of his career and this is his 3rd (4th) full season starting in the NFL. He has proven that he can be a great back-up QB, but he is definitely not a franchise QB. I hope I made my point…. Oh yeah Chargers win 31-27 (Raiders within the margin) and Chiefs cover (I’m biased as hell) 27-17.

(Ed. note: Freakin' NFL Network aired the Chargers-Raiders game last night.)

Bills at Cowboys (-5.5)

Mr. Harvard vs. Guy-Who-Dated-a-Celebrity-Who’s-Favorite-Movie-was-"Legally Blonde". The Bills season is going to get derailed. I don’t see the Pats missing the playoffs and the Jets proved last week against the Bills that they are for real. The AFC North is the only division I think can take both wild card spots so do the math. Cowboys on the other hand see the Giants facing the hardest schedule to end the season and only a two game lead for the division. That said, positioning doesn’t win you football games, but I’ll take the Cowboys 24-21 (Bills within the margin).

Saints at Falcons (even)

Drew Brees has thrown 379 passes this season, that’s 58 more than his closest competitor in the stat: Tom Brady. My prediction, Brees’ arm falls off. Falcons win 34-31. Also I don’t care if you have medical facts to argue against my prediction, science can suck it!!!

Steelers at Bengals (+3.0)

Good job keeping it together this far Mr. Dalton, but the Steelers will eat you….maybe literally, I don’t trust James Harrison. The CBs are the strongest part of the upstart Bengals defense and Big Ben eliminates their impact by his backyard football style (not a rape joke). 27-10 Steelers. In all honesty I want the Bengals to win this game, and every other game after being predicted by a handful of ESPN analysts to not even win a game this season. Haha, idiots.

Lions at Bears (-3.0)

Lions, no Tigers, but some Bears, oh my. Bears win 21-13. Just so you know, that AFC West/Matt Cassel rant went too long so I’m simplifying the rest of my predictions.

Pats at Jets (-1.5)

Jets 27-24, we all cry at the passing of Tom Brady. That might have been a play on words, not sure anymore.

Couple Freebies: Giants beat the 49ers and Vikings beat the Packers (they’re bound to lose a game; if I just keep predicting it when they finally lose I will be right).

NFL Predictions: Week Nine

Nick:

D-lineman Ndamukong Suh apparently met with--NFL’s Hammer of God--Roger Goodell this week. With more than a small sense of self-righteousness, I hope that Goodell played “Mr. Jenkins” to Suh’s “Howard Beale” and just ripped the football player in half with a devastating monologue on the true significance of professional football. Don’t kid yourself, the game is not about athletics, statistics and tackling people; it’s about good vs. evil. Professional football is a continuous melodrama, a soap opera for the people who don’t watch soap operas. What does this mean? It means Suh and the rest of the Lions have squandered their chance at being America’s Underdogs (ala 2002 Patriots) or America’s Recovery (ala 2010 Saints). Nope, fight after fight after taunt after fight, the Detroit Lions—with their small-scale winning—have become nothing but petty, self-serving and vindictive dicks. I am looking forward to them finally getting properly smacked by the Green Bay Packers later this year. Twice.

Mac:

The Lions. This is a team that hasn’t won anything. Last year they finished on a winning streak but this is first year in over a decade that they have had playoff aspirations. So where did this swagger come from? The fast start was not all that surprising, seeing the strides forward by the Stafford-Johnson connection and the instant impact of Suh. The confidence of this team is a whole other thing. It’s not quite like the Jets cockiness because the Lions haven’t tried to play the game in press conferences. Suh's quotes have gained the ire of many but most of his trash talking comes while he is planting the QB in the dirt. I don’t know what Suh or any other Lion said when Matt Ryan got his ankle stepped on by his own offensive tackle. If you enjoy clichés that present deductive reasoning as a duck metaphor then you would assume that clearly the story is true. To that I say, 'so what'. Although I’m not rooting for the Lions this year, I also don’t look at the idea of the Low-Blow Lions as being a bad thing. I love the Suh mentality that if he just keeps hitting the QB, he will beat the will to win out of them. Suh is making no friends in the NFL and he is damn proud of it. This is his second season and he has turned a perennial loser into a gritty defense that will pound its opponent into submission. As opposed to the cocky Jets who seem to find it more important to let the media know they are winners, Suh has truly showed the leadership to make the team put winning over everything else, including sportsmanship. Some people don’t like that, but it doesn’t matter what other people think of the Lions. They’re winning.

Miami at Kansas City (-3.5)

Nick:

Poor Miami is 0-7 and they’re still not really even number one in the “Suck for Luck” contest. That distinction would go to the Colts, who have the duel advantage of intriguing personnel possibilities (i.e. cutting Peyton “Superneck” Manning) and a string of defeats that’d make the Washington Generals look like winners. Whereas the Dolphins have shown some moxie in most of their games but still just stranded in Nowhere, USA. Last Monday, the Chiefs snatched victory away from the jaws of death inside of the monster of victory...or something. What I mean is that the Chiefs should not have blown the 13-3 second half lead but they probably also shouldn’t have had a second half lead. Basically, I just not a believer in Todd Haley’s beard and the Chiefs have a terrifying road ahead of them from Week 11 to Week 15. Fortunately this is only Week 9 and they can keep stumbling forward. Chiefs.

Mac:Records in the NFL don’t matter. If the Rams can beat the Saints with Sam Bradford injured than any team can surprise you come Sunday. The key to a game is match-ups and this one lends itself to the Chiefs. The Chiefs play well when Matt Cassel faces below average pass defenses which the Dolphins rank 27th. If the Chiefs play offense well early and get a lead, the Dolphins will have to rely on Matt Moore to lead them to victory, an event not likely to happen. Take away the run game and the Dolphins will flounder as they’ve done all season. Chiefs 24-13

Cleveland at Houston (-12.5)

Nick:

I’ve made up a lot of prophetic ground by repeatedly betting against the Texans. It’s not that I dislike the team. I just think they are a safe bet to never “bring it” when “it” really needs to be “brought.” Frankly, I was going to bet against the Texans no matter what this week as their division-leading 5-3 record is really close to the Browns very quiet 3-5 record. This spread just feels generous now. Colt McCoy is better than Matt Schaub for having a shred of mystery still left in him. Hell, more people in Texas probably know McCoy than Schaub, too. The Texans have never made a playoff appearance and they’ve still always been a better football team than the Browns, yet the Browns have beaten Houston 3 of 6 all-time meetings. Like Bender betting on a race horse, I find myself cheering on “Lasty.” I think Houston just might step in a big pile of Browns on the field and lose a gross one at home. Cleveland.

Mac:

Nick was mad at me picking the Browns game last week so….. what’s the deal Nick? The Browns are 2nd in the league at pass defense. Mostly because their wins have been against one-dimensional offenses and in 3 of their 4 losses their opponent started running the clock out early in the 3rd quarter. This Texans team hasn’t been consistent but has a dynamic offense that will put Cleveland down early and let Arian Foster milk the clock for the entire second half. Texans 27-10

New York (Jets) at Buffalo (even)

Nick:

I’m just hoping Mac takes the bait. Bills, duh.

Mac:

The optimist says the Jets have a good defense and the Bills have a good offense. The pessimist says the Jets have a bad offense and the Bills have a bad defense. At 5-2 the Bills are having an outstanding season, tied for the division lead and have a win over the Patriots. At 4-3, Jets are a disappointment dropping 3-straight in the middle of the season and having no success with an offense that is filled with every stud skill-player that was on the free agent market. But if the Jets win this game, those two opposite teams will be in the exact same position, 5-3 praying the Giants piss off Foxborough one more time. Look for the Jets to get out of the sports media doghouse, edging out the Bills in an offense explosion, Jets 37-31

New York (Giants) at New England (-9.5)

Nick:

Oh, a repeat of Superbowl XLII—the absolute best Superbowl for everybody outside of the greater Boston area. Like I’ve said before, Bellichek is one of the best at recovering from a loss—which is why he wins so many games. I think I’ve also voiced enough skepticism about the Giants. Continuing, I don’t think the Patriots will overlook a team they so gloriously overlooked just a few years ago in front of 90 million people. On a sadder note, I don’t think I’ll ever get my Manning vs. Manning Superbowl now. Damn Eli’s wild fluctuations and Peyton’s post-season tribulations. Anyhow, the Patriots are home and Boston started pre-gaming for this showdown on Tuesday. Now to just look at the point spread and…holy hell, ten points? The Giants have won 5 of their last 6, people. They’re going to make a better game out of this than ten points. New York within the margin.

Mac:

I don’t understand the Giants and I won’t pretend to. I don’t understand Eli Manning and I won’t pretend to. I could make a prediction on this game but it wouldn’t really mean anything. All I know is the Patriots don’t lose 2 in a row very often and I expect Tom Brady to come out on fire to make up for the Steelers game. But I still see something happening here. The NFC East is once again a talented division that has underperformed. At one point the 1-4 Eagles looked like it was about to become the best team to not make the playoffs…ever. Instead they sit at 3-4 two games out of the division lead and are on an upswing. Eli Manning is trying to live up to his off-season comments about being elite even though the team around him is losing a step. He doesn’t have the running game that will limit his turnover proneness and the defense is a loss when it comes to stopping the run. Eli is elite but teams don’t win in December with a bad rush offense and a bad rush defense. My predictions today is that the Eagles win the NFC East, the Giants don’t make the playoffs, and this game starts the downward trend of the Giants, Patriots 31-17.

Green Bay at San Diego (+5.5)

Nick:

At this point Aaron Rodgers is not only going to win the league MVP (if Peyton Manning is disqualified), but the second and third place winners will just be “Aron Rogers” and “Why are we even voting on this?” There are still too many reasons why the Packers won’t go 16-0 and so the better question is when will the upset happen? Against the Chargers? On their short week? When the Packers are coming off of a bye-week? When Rivers is making dumb passes like a drunk congressman? There is very little that makes sense in football and I think my biggest regret this season was not publishing my prediction that the Rams would beat the Saints (don’t believe I called it, do you?). This is moronic; only a dumbbell would pick San Diego. Only an absolute naïf or brain-stunted addlepate. Only a cable channel news pundit or dimwit, dingbat, dunce or dolt would do this. Maybe I’m just a simpleton, a simpleton with a plan. Chargers.

Mac:

This is a hard game for me to predict because every Chargers game I want to espouse my theory on Philip Rivers called the Anti-Farve. Instead I’ll simply say this, the Chargers have all the talent needed to be the team to upset the undefeated Packers. They have offensive weapons that are on par with the Packers. They have a defense that is actually playing better than the Packers. The only difference between the two is execution which falls on one person, the head coach. Simply stated Norv Turner has to be fired and the Chargers have to replace him with a coach that will hold this team, specifically Rivers, accountable for its mistakes and miscues. Although everything points to the Packers taking advantage of the sloppy Chargers, I’m predicting an upset by a Chargers team that gets their act together for one game, Chargers 34-24

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3.5)

The Ravens only lose easy games. And some hard ones, but mostly just easy ones. And Ben Roethlisberger knows something about having trouble with the easy ones. The Steelers should play better than in Week 1. But are they 35-points better? Not likely. On the other hand, Joe Flacco isn’t taking anybody to the Superbowl unless he’s buying the tickets; which is too bad because this rivalry will only become one of the league’s best if Baltimore can get some major playoff wins and stop being the Joey Bishop of the AFC North. Big Ben is 7-1 against the Ravens when at home and that ain’t too shabby. Maybe this is just a lingering effect of picking the Chargers a paragraph ago but I feel another unlikely upset coming on. Picking underdogs does provide a small sense of euphoria. Who needs drugs when writing gives you an inflated self-esteem? Oh yeah, writers. Ravens.

Mac:

This is a game I’m excited to see. The Ravens and the Steelers are tied for first in the AFC North, both are playing great going into this game and both have teams that are built for winter football. The Ravens in all reality should finally be a better team than the Steelers but that should have been true in previous years yet every time that Steelers have one-upped them. This year however Flacco and Boldin have gained chemistry that gives this team an edge that they haven’t had before. Ravens beat the Steelers for the second time this year by playing Steelers football better than Pittsburgh, Ravens 24-17

Season Records:

Nick (5-1)

Mac (5-1)

NFL Predictions: Week Eight

Adding a little flavor, Mac will contribute some NFL Predictions this week.

Terrell Owens said he wasn’t a history major and if anybody else is, “it’s their loss.” Finally, this blog has a suitable connection between football and academia! T.O. is like John Edwards or Britney Spears--almost had it all, but in each case their flaws became who they are. Nobody is perfect, sure, but Owens has missed the train of real relevance while he posed for a mirror. He should take any offer to play in the arena football league because it’d prove he wants to play, not that he wants to be famous—and that’s what teams would really like to see. More likely though, T.O. will continue to mug for the cameras and probably do a spread in Playgirl magazine. In short, in the NFL world, T.O. is what he disparages: history.

Minnesota at Carolina (-3.5)

Nick:

Two rookie quarterbacks and both came within one possession of downing the undefeated Packers. Candy Bar Newton put up staggering numbers this season but Vikings’ Chris Ponder has proved rather wily himself. Both teams have all-stars scattered on the field but employ far too many placeholders to be anything more than spoilers for better teams this year. Frankly, this game seems like an exercise in which fans can correctly guess which of the two quarterbacks we’ll be talking about in five years. Personally, I like both of them. But what I really like is that Adrian Peterson is averaging over a hundred yards a game and all three families in South Carolina combined couldn’t stop him. Vikings.

Mac:

How good is Cam Newton. 288.4 yds/gm through his first 7 games in the league, 8 TD to 9 Int. He’s playing for a Panthers team that started their rebuilding with his drafting and he has consistently played playoff-caliber defenses all season. Watching him, he has made throws reserved for elite QBs but has yet to put up one truly elite performance. Much of his yardage output has been due to his team trailing and when he makes a bad throw it is extremely errant. At this point he still has to prove he can win. The Vikings have had a similar reaction to a tough schedule early in the season and were one drive from beating the Packers even though Aaron Rodgers is on fire and it wasn’t a bad game for the defending champs. Ponder beats Newton, 24-21

Detroit at Denver (+2.5)

Nick:

Do you believe in magic? If so, Denver will win this game. Devote only to the algorithms (er, facts) of the game? Detroit is your bet. After starting off as the league’s undefeated Cinderella team, the Lions have stolen the magical mouse and turned back into the proverbial shoe-shaped house (NOTE: I’m not really familiar with the actual Cinderella story, but that’s what happens, right?). Anyhow, the Lions have to be burning at how indifferently people accepted that Detroit lost a staggering(?) two games in a row. Dreams were dashed, expectations fulfilled. Detroit’s Mathew Stafford will start; Denver’s Willis McGahee will be out. There’s really no reason to pick Denver, and I doubt Mac here is a believer. I want to believe in magic, though. Just like Cinderella’s flying carpet (right?). Denver!

Mac:

TEEEEBBBBOOOWWW!!! This kid is a winner, but he’s also a terrible QB. You know when they say a QB can make all the throws in the NFL, well Tebow can’t. Mechanics aren’t all that important (see Philip Rivers) but to have a slow release when you don’t have the arm strength and your QB IQ already makes you a second slower than every other QB, well it leads to 4 for 14, 40 yards performance 54:37 into a football game against the 21st ranked pass defense of the winless Dolphins. On the other hand, Tebow is a weapon with the ball in his hands and if he gets the slightest room, 10 yards in 4 plays is like an abortion, it won’t stop Timmy. Look for Suh to welcome Tebow to the NFL with comments more offensive than mine. Lions 37-9

New England at Pittsburgh (+2.5)

Nick:

I picked the Patriots to go deep in the post-season this year despite my own criticisms of how they just aren’t “a fun team.” Their M.O. is to treat football like a business and it’s done wonders for them. I like my football to be entertaining, though. So I loved that they brought in one of the best entertainers in the league, a man so entertaining that his name itself ripples with interest: Chad Ochocinco. God, I can’t believe how easily that caught on. He’s like a good version of T.O. If the Patriots were to put up 62 points on any team like the Saints did last week there would be been strident outcry for professional sportsmanship. All said, New England—a rounding error away from a perfect record—has shown it’s surprisingly vulnerable this season, allowing teams to pass through their secondary like a rock through wet toilet paper. Still, the Steelers may have won the AFC conference last year but getting back means going through the Patriots (probably twice, even). I want to root for teams I like watching. Steelers.

Mac:

The Steelers looked like the Superbowl-loser hangover was in full swing but quickly recovered. They stand a 5-2 and are keeping pace with the Ravens for the division. With that said the 5 wins came against teams that are a combined 8-24. The Patriots on the other hand have only had one slip up against the much improved Bills. Even with that, Tom Brady is competing in the “Make Dan Marino Completely Irrelevant” contest with Dree Brees and Aaron Rodgers. Maybe winter will stop them, but til then…. Pats 38-24

Cleveland at San Francisco (-7.5)

Nick:

Why the hell Mac wanted us to predict this game is way beyond me. San Francisco had a bye-week coming in, on a 4-game win streak, and quarterback Alex Smith has been kidnapped, locked in a basement and replaced with a pretty good look-a-like. Meanwhile, Cleveland has miraculously skid-marked to only a 3-3 record because while Colt McCoy has thrown 12 interceptions at least 8 of those where to his own teammates—and returned for touchdowns. This is ridiculous and I’m terrified if Mac knows more than me thanks to his corrupt bookie and picks anything beyond the obvious. Because, frankly, this game, this spread, feels like a gift from Vegas. The 49ers are poised to crush Cleveland into some mush that can only be described as “brown.” San Francisco covers the spread two or three times over.

Mac:

One Harbaugh actually knows how to create an offensive identity. He understands Alex Smith’s limitations and has created a game plan that puts the 49ers in the position to win against good teams and consistently win against average teams, much like the Chiefs last season. This team has been extremely talented for the last couple seasons but it took Harbaugh’s coaching to get the players to execute on the field. The Browns have stayed competitive game-in and game-out this year but this game will slowly get out of hand as the Browns have to rely on Colt McCoy. 49ers 31-10

Dallas at Philadelphia (-2.5)

Nick:

Former-future NFL great Vince Young is getting sued by some guy he reportedly punched while drunk at a strip club. I only bring this up because the Eagles are endlessly fascinating for me this year even though their record is well below my original predictions. Now I struggle to think of a situation where I would not pick them to win, knowing full well that the team has turned into the disaster that so many NBA fans prayed would befall the Miami Heat about this time last year. It would seem I’ve sworn some oath of fealty to Philly when I find myself saying the Eagles would win it all if only the NFL season was long enough. Worse yet, some weeks I fear any dignity accumulated in other posts is sacrificed for more Cowboys-bashing. Other weeks I just want to point that Dallas is a nadir hellscape of intersecting highways all created from overlapping efforts of millions to drive through, or otherwise escape, the city as fast as humanly possible. And Jerry Jones can go to the Superbowl when he buys a goddamn ticket. Eagles.

Mac:

Is Vick made of glass? Is Romo overrated or over-criticized? Does Andy Reid coach anymore? Why does Dez Bryant play half the game like Larry Fitzgerald and the other half like he’s Brandon Marshall punting the ball during practice? Why didn’t they trade Vince Young, or at least tell him to shut up? None of these questions will be answered on Sunday. Eagles get back on track and edge out the “unbeatable” Cowboys, 31-27

San Diego at Kansas City (+3.5)

Nick:

I don’t know if it’s physical, emotional or mental, but I think Phillip Rivers is hurt or something. He’s a perennial bronze medallist in the NFL QB rankings and everything looked primed to go in San Diego two months ago. Talent doesn’t just disappear though, so he’s still a stupid-faced threat. Conversely, Matt Cassel is always a threat to the Chiefs. It’s flabbergasting how Cassel had a 38.3 QB rating last week in oakland and still threw less interceptions than not just one but TWO other quarterbacks in that very game. If I took a shot of Bacardi every time Cassel took a shot downfield, I’d be as sober as the Pope. Of course if I played the same game with Rivers I’d wake up two days later with breath that could kill a horse. I guess this means I’ll pick the Chiefs to get with the margin.

Mac:

I understand the Chiefs. The organization has created a strong core on defense that with Eric Berry would have the potential to be a top-10 defense. The offensive has nearly all the necessary pieces, minus a QB. No matter what you tell me, upgrade from Matt Cassel or forever be a 8-8 team that can’t compete with the elite teams in the NFL. The Chargers on the other hand continue to be a mystery. On paper they have both a top offense and top defense. So far this year they’ve had three soft opponents, one underachieving team (Jets), and one great team (Patriots) yet every game has been the same, close with 10 points being the largest differential in their win over the winless Dolphins. The difference between a 4-2 or 2-4 Chargers is so slight for this team that never gets off to a good start. I’m a Chiefs fan so, 27-24, fingers crossed.

NFL Predictions: Week Seven

Atlanta at Detroit (-2.5)

The Lions have started off the season so well I can’t help but wonder if the team got some of that government bailout money being poured into Michigan over the last few years. Regardless, how coach Jim Schwartz handled defeat last week made it seems like he was the first person to ever be disappointed in Detroit. And now instead of people talking about how surprising it is that the Lions are 5-1, it’s become a common predication that by Week 16 the team won’t be any more intimidating than that lion from “The Wizard of Oz.” Seriously, Schwartz, take a little pride in getting the team off to a great start—I don’t think the Lions have started a season 5-0 since going against the Christians. What, too soon? Meanwhile in Atlanta, the Falcons are at a very complimentary 3-3. Their losses have been awful and their wins none too stellar. Their most impressive win this season would easily be beating the Lions in Detroit; conversely, the Lions losing would be their worst lost. Detroit covers.

San Diego at New York (Jets) (+1.5)

This year teams have been running on the Jets like a treadmill. Everybody is just running like a nose during allergy season. Harnessing unnecessary amounts of energy, the Chargers are coming off a bye week and a three-game win streak. Forget the Lions, this is the best start for San Diego in nearly a decade. New York has LaDainian Tomlinson now but I don’t think they use him enough for the long-time Charger to get any “revenge” on his former team, even though that’ll be a go-to narrative for the broadcasters and media. More importantly, Sanchez has face-planted since being rated Forbes’ most overpaid NFL player. Truly, he has soiled the name “Sanchez.” Philip Rivers is going to put up some real numbers for this game. Chargers.

Houston at Tennessee (-2.5)

This game has carried absolutely zero weight in the divisional race in recent, or distant, memory. But we now live in a post-Peyton Manning era. Don’t kid yourself, he’s not coming back this season or next season. Or ever again. Sure, Peyton MIGHT take another snap, but he’s not coming back in the way Tom Brady or Drew Bress came back from their respective injuries. Fortunately, Manning has shown such continued (albeit subtle) disgust with the play-calling and time-management of head coach Jim Caldwell that I think Manning will shrug away offers to be a football analysis and take the far more impressive route of actually coaching teams in the future. 0-6 is bad for any team, but it’s absolutely disastrous for a team that didn’t know it was in a “rebuilding” season a month ago. Manning will reveal a darker side of himself before this is all done and Caldwell will finish the season on the unemployment line. Oh, uh, and Houston gets within the margin. Probably wins, too. You know, for whatever reason.

St. Louis at Dallas (-14.5)

Both teams have more bandages than an army of Civil War re-enactors and this game will be largely over-shadowed in both cities by Game Four of the Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series. During the off-season, I really thought St. Louis was one good receiver away from winning their division this year; which was meant as half a testament to Sam Bradford and half an insult to the NFC (“Is This Even Football?”) West. With the crop of wide receivers that got shuffled around this season, I figured at least one player’s car would get jacked while they drove through St. Louis and be forced to play on the Rams to earn enough scratch for a plane ticket home. But nope. No Sidney Rice, Santonio Holmes, Braylon Edwards, Steve Smith, Plaxico Burress or Chad Ochocinco. Hell, in August, the Rams probably could have picked up Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for a combine twenty-five bucks. What I really hope is that the Rams didn’t get turned down by those last two receivers who felt they had better options—as Owens recently overdosed on pain medications (again) and Moss, more embarrassingly, retired. This all brings me back to the point that St. Louis has more problems than just a receiving corp. Still, with so many unknowns in the air, I have to think the Rams will do what JFK could not and keep from getting killed in Dallas.* Rams within the margin.

Green Bay at Minnesota (+7.5)

Rookie Christian Ponder is getting his first start as the Vikings’ QB and his game stats will be put up again Aaron Rogers—who is rewriting the record books after (hopefully) giving up on ridiculous mustaches styles. While the Packers have won 12-straight games since last year, they spent most of this week talking about how they messed up against the Rams. Green Bay is putting up nearly 33 points per game and haven't allowed the losers to be within a touchdown since Week Two. Rodgers put up a 141.3 rating last time he was in the Metrodome and I have no reason to think he won’t have the Vikings fans eat an equally big piece of “shut-the-hell-up” this time. By the fourth quarter, the Vikings will probably just put their few dozen remaining fans in shoulder pads and have them finish out the game so that the real players can beat the traffic home. Packers cover.

Indianapolis at New Orleans (-13.5)

A rematch of the Superbowl nearly two years ago and both teams are as low as they’ve been since then. While Peyton Manning’s injury has been excessively documented (in this post, no less!), the Saints recently lost their own Payton (head coach, Sean) to a knee injury when a player was tackled into him last week. Now Payton and Peyton will likely be in their respective coaches’ booths and I almost expect/want this game to play out like 22 headless bodies running into each other for three hours. This might be too much fantasy though. More likely, Drew Brees will be able to give all the players some sideline speech about “going out and winning one for the Limper” and everyone will cheer and proceed to crush the Colts like a glue factory. Yeah, the Saints will cover.

Season: 12-12 (I’m so close to being incredible at this!)

*Oh come on, don’t tell me that was too soon.

NFL Predictions: Week Six

San Francisco at Detroit (-4.5)

There is reason to celebrate in Detroit but the turn around seems like too much now. A month ago, 10-6 would have been a great season record for the Lions; now such a record would elicit pity, mockery or at least disappointment. The Lions are looking to go 6-0, which means I have to break out some real history books to find precedent. Ah, yes, here it is. The last time the Lions started 6-0 was in 1956. This was not only during the Eisenhower administration, but still within the first term. Richard Nixon was a young, spunky politician from California. Elvis Presley appeared on TV for the first time weeks earlier. Neither Ron White nor Larry Bird was born yet. The Rams were in Los Angles, the Colts were in Baltimore and no human had ever been in space. This was a time that pre-dated both Hulla-Hoops and Barbie. And, I swear to God, the 5-0 Lions continued their winning streak that year by beating the San Francisco 49ers 17-13. And because history can be creepy, I predict the same score. Niners within the margin.

Buffalo at New York (Giants) (-2.5)

New York could bring in Lebron James, right? I thought that was the talk at some point a little more than a year ago. He isn’t doing anything else right now, besides maybe growing fat from accidentally inhaling fumes from McDonald’s food during his commercial tapings. The Bills have beaten good teams and they had one loss that really just kept them honest. Across the field, the most impressive things the Giants have mustered is some well-organized computer hack into the NFL Statistics Mainframe to doctor Eli Manning’s season QB rating to a suspiciously (Peyton) Manning-esque 102.3. New York football fans wouldn't move up-state anyway. Bills.

Houston at Baltimore (-5.5)

The Titans are flexing and Texans’ Mario Williams is out, which means Houston will sooner choke on their mouthpieces then finally claim a division title. If they sack anybody, it’ll probably be their coach. Conversely, the Ravens have a defense that stops runners from even falling forward. Continuing, the Ravens are rested and studied. With a weakening receiving corp, Matt Schaub will likely throw more TDs to the Ravens than Texans. “Fun” Fact: Houston Texans has never defeated Baltimore in four meetings. Fun “Fact”: Ray Rice will carry at least one Texan into the end zone and then spike the defender in celebration. Ravens by a good chunk.

Dallas at New England (-4.5)

Tony Romo doesn’t realize there are four quarters in a football game. If Dallas had a 10 point lead in the fourth I still wouldn’t pick them. Patriots running back Ben Jarvis Jeremy Green-Ellis (that’s one name) plowed through the Jets last week with a fervor and enthusiasm akin to kid getting a brand new bike. With how Tom Brady has been throwing the ball, maybe Mr. Five Names didn’t think he’d ever get to run and so when he did he made the most of it. I also like that the Patriots are chasing a team in their division for a change. They’re not in any real trouble, but I like seeing at least one drop of sweat from the annual Superbowl contenders. Still…they don’t have a reputation for charity. Patriots cover.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+3.5)

In the first week I suggested Drew Brees rename his city Drew Orleans, but now with the added benefit of adding a city nickname: The Big Breezy. Beyond that, the entire state could be called Drew-isiana. Okay, that one is a bit of stretch. Anyway, the Saints have devastated Tampa Bay in their last two trips there by a combined 69-13 score. And frankly, one of my proudest predictions this year was that Darren Sproles would fit into New Orleans like a drunken, thieving sailor—and he has marvelously. The Buccaneers got absolutely embarrassed by the 49ers last week—which was doubly embarrassing because it was the 49ers. Any team with any semblance of pride or perseverance would come back the next week with the unrestrained energy of a “The Price is Right” contestant. But against the Saints? Tampa Bay won’t. New Orleans by at least a touchdown.

Minnesota at Chicago (-2.5)

After extending his contract over the off-season, Adrian Peterson has got to be getting a Barry Sanders-feeling. Minnesota is the worst in what is becoming a rather formidable division and there is no real hope on the horizon. Donovan McNabb is becoming a liability for the Vikings, collapsing like so many Metrodomes before him. Speaking of which, a Minnesota tax hike will help pay for the new stadium but I don’t think the Vikings will be much more motivated to win as a repayment for Johnny Q. Taxpayer—who didn’t even get a chance to vote against the new stadium via some referendum. Meanwhile Los Angeles football fans have gotten a little louder in the last few years, wanting a local team, yet again. After all, the city is likely going to take a double-hit, losing the NBA season for the Lakers and, less tragically, the Clippers. Notably, the Vikings’ stadium contract is up after this year and so there are more than rumbles about the Vikings moving to L.A. This would follow the exact path of the Lakers, who were also originally from Minneapolis—which explains the team name, as Los Angeles boasts only a plethora of automatic sprinkler systems, not lakes.

As a gratuitous side note, I think the Clippers are also not named in honor of the hair stylists in Los Angeles but actually reference the famed hair salons of their original city: Buffalo. So obviously this means the Bears are going to win by at least three. Obviously.

Season Record: 9-9

NFL Predictions: Week Four

Okay, no more regular weak predictions; it’s time for some real week predictions.

Looking at some of my previous predictions, it might appear that I don’t really “get” football some weeks. However, I am one who “gets” new ideas and this week my idea is to pick against my better judgments. Admittedly, I don’t have enough natural courage to do what feels so wrong, so in order to make what I think are wrong predictions I had to down a couple of beers. I don’t even know if I want this to work.

Carolina at Chicago (-7.5)

Cam Newton should get his first real beating this game. This is Soldier Field, not some cushy home game in Carolina. More damning than that, The Kid Newton (copyright!) can no longer be underestimated and now defenses will be gunning for him, ala Michael Vick. Worst yet, Cam Newton doesn’t have a Lesean McCoy to help him out. On the other side of the field, the Bears have gotten smacked rather solidly by the Packers and the Saints—though those may very well be the two best teams in the NFL right now. Still, bears haven’t been wiped like this since those toilet paper commercials. Chicago has to be better than a 1-3 record; this is a game of dignity for them. Then again, as promised, I’ve been drinking. So I pick the Panthers to get within the margin.

Buffalo at Cincinnati (-2.5)

Are the Buffalo Bills real? I don’t know. It wasn’t too long ago the Broncos and the Bengals jumped out to something like 5-0 starts. Also, while beating the Patriots may count as a double-win in the AFC East, it was still only one game and the extra attention might be a heavier price than the benefits of the spotless record. Cincinnati is no better than Keanu’s team in “The Replacements” so this is the perfect game for Buffalo to lose and have respectable doubters—which is what’s necessary for a great team. And actually, Cincinnati may need to hire actual C-level actors in fill spots in their roster after the latest rounds of arrested Bengals. The team is nearly an endangered species at this point. Why the hell is a professional football player dealing pot? Is there really more money in that? Also, I predict Tony Dungy will jump off the Buffalo bandwagon with grace and speed not seen since the likes of Nastia Liukin. When was the last time anybody gave two snots about a Cincinnati-Buffalo game? More importantly, why is Cincinnati favored? This has the makings of disappointment. Bills.

Minnesota at Kansas City (+1.5)

Both teams lost to the Chargers and the Lions and any Madden ’12 team controlled by a kid over the age of 7. Literally, on the Monday evening news, there was a segment about how sports bar attendance is way down in the KC area. The whole city is just down like four flat tires. After the collapse of last season and the pure, uncut, throttling received by the Chiefs in the first two weeks, in KC there is less hope in winning than in an online slot machine. Even against San Diego, I think most people understood the Chargers were unusually ineffective—almost throwing the game, really. And speaking of throwing, Matt Cassel’s completion percentage is as inflated as Scott Pioli’s ego and just as expensive and helpful. The Vikings have been charitable, giving away their first three games. But I don’t expect anymore sympathy from them. Which, I guess, means I have to pick the Chiefs.

San Francisco at Philadelphia (no lines)

49ers, easy. No, wait. Eagles. No…49ers. Yes. 49ers. Wait. Wait. No. No. Wait. Yes. Yes! Eagles!

New England at oakland (+3.5)

Patriots got beat by the Browns last year and then devastated teams for the rest of the season. In fact, New England’s ability to bounce back from an, inevitably, embarrassing loss is plenty documented. Losing to the Bills after a 21-0 lead? It’s the worst tragedy in the New England area since that tanker spilled millions of gallons of hair gel along the coast—or so I assume happened a couple years back. And now the Patriots are playing against the Raiders? The oakland Raiders? I struggle to even capitalize the city, knowing it is neither a proper name nor a proper place. I don’t think there is a window in the entire range of drinking that can make me pick a proud Raiders team over an embarrassed Patriots team and still type coherently—or even remain conscious. I'm going to get damn close though. Whatever. Patriots.

New York (Jets) at Baltimore (-2.5)

Earlier this week NFL legend Joe “Sideburns” Namath mentioned how the New York Jets are kind of cocky—which is kind of like saying they’re from New York. Those not following football might need to know modern Jets like predicting Superbowl wins in the 1970s vein of Namath, but they haven’t had the decency to keep their promises. For whatever reason, Rex Ryan thought Ol’ Joe’s pointless comments were fighting words and basically told Namath to shut that withered old hole in his face before a pigskin is lodged in there. This basically reinforced the image I’ve had of the Jets for the last two years or so, that they are basically the punk teenagers of the AFC. They are arrogant, unaccomplished, hormonal and distracted by popular magazines and inappropriate shows on HBO. That said, I think they’ll play with a jalapeno this week and get the better half of Baltimore’s Joe Flacco. Lousy Jets. Think they're so great, just because they're actually doing something with their lives. I could have been a football player. Coach just wouldn't gimme a chance. I could've been great. I could've been anything. But now what...

Ah well. I'll get over it. Nothing wrong with a bunch of mistakes. Which the Jets know plenty about; which means they should win. So I'm taking the Ravens.

Say, ex-girlfriends like hearing about football predictions, right? Right? Guess there's only one way to find out.

Season Record: 5-7

NFL Predictions: Week Three

So Michael Vick got injured while waiting in the pocket...that's unexpected. More importantly though, he injured his neck. This means the only logical way to salvage the NFL's shortage of star quarterbacks (because let's face it, Tarvaris Jackson is just not bringing it), and capture the unique opportunity presented, is to surgically graft Peyton Manning's head on Michael Vick's body. Or visa versa. Or both. And actually, Sam Bradford hurt his finger, and he has one of the best fingers in the NFL, so there more than enough reason for Roger Goodell to create some kind of super-quarterback after the failed Tom Brady-beta robot.

Just serious.

Detroit at Minnesota (+2.5)

I'm not a believer in the Lions yet. Matt Stafford is good, maybe better than good, but the Chiefs were too good at running the ball in the first half of last week's game for me to think Adrian Peterson won't collapse from exhaustion before he collapses from getting tackled in this game. Granted, Donovan McNabb has been absolutely nowhere these first few weeks, but I think it's a re-learning curve--hurt by the lockout--and not athleticism in question. I also have a feeling too many football fans will be waiting for Brett Favre to come out of retirement for the next 10 years with the same senseless anticipation of “Arrested Development” fans waiting for a movie. All else being even, Vegas generally puts the home team in the hole by three points, which would mean 50% of gamblers think the Lions are at least a touchdown better than the Vikings. Which they're not. Take the points, take the Vikings.

Jacksonville at Carolina (-3.5)

Cam Newton's numbers are a little inflated just by the nature of professional football nowadays. That's not to say he hasn't surpassed expectations; he certainly has. Though frankly, I think getting the Panthers to within a touchdown of besting the defending Superbowl champs is more impressive than the aerial numbers Newton has thrown around. Also, is it me or does his name sound like a candy bar? It's like his name is Chewy Caramel or something. I'm just saying, I haven't wanted to eat an NFL player this badly since Phat Porterhouse got bumped from the B-squad on the '93 Cowboys. Maybe I should just stop writing these predictions when I'm hungry. Food or no, I think Carolina gets their first win--and by more than three points. Panthers.

Houston at New Orleans (-3.5)

This week the Texans finally get to prove if they are serious this year. I can't help but wonder if they're reading the reports of Peyton Manning's neck surgery treatments with trembling fingers.He was supposed to be out for the season, they surely stammered, not just six weeks! The optimists contend, though, that the Texans will win the AFC South and finally strip the Colts of their annual playoff spanking. It'd be an honor, really. Meanwhile, the Saints have assumed they're an elite team for the last two years, regardless of how they actually play. For a first time this season, I'd like to the Saints actually get out too a good start rather than spotting teams 18 points with 3 quarters to go. All this spanking, quick starts and honor seems rather circuitous when I could have just said the Texans aren't serious. Saints.

Kansas City at San Diego (-13.5)

KC lost Tony Moeaki, Eric Berry, Jonathan Baldwin and now Jamal Charles. And lost 89-10 in a two-week span, against the Lions and the Bills no less. Just as bad, San Diego lost their season-opening game to K.C. last year, so don't expect them to overlook the Chiefs. Meanwhile the majority of the Kansas City sports talk show area has absolutely abandoned Scott Pioli and Todd Haley. Personally, I've also stopped giving Matt Cassel a free pass, as he seems to eager to throw that pass 4 yards on a 3rd and 10. Worse, nearly all of his throws more than 10 yards are horribly off-target. Even worse, when the Chiefs are decent for public viewing, Dwayne Bowe has proved himself some incompetent mixture of cowardice in the open field and inability along the sidelines. At this point, Kansas City might be better off trading Derrick Johnson for a sack of magic beans. Really the only thing working for the Chiefs in this case is the college-level spread given out, as I could see the Chargers going into the fourth quarter with a 35-7 lead and then just giving up and allowing two freak plays. Then again, this is a division rival and San Diego was never really with the Patriots last Sunday. Chargers by 15-plus.

Season Record: 3-5 (C'mon baby, let's turn this around!)

NFL Predictions: Week Two

It's strange to think about how much money somebody could make by betting against me. Then again, I suppose Las Vegas has done pretty well without my contributions. I read somewhere, perhaps in one of the better bathroom stalls I've ever been in, that professional sports writers correctly pick the winners of a game 47% of the time--which is about twice as often as they write interesting articles (take that, Jason Cole!)

Anyways, the answer is simple: writers like picking the upsets; it's something to brag about. But upsets aren't a sure bet, and they're really not even a good, safe or smart bet. And I work with the point spreads because I'm a bad ass. Anyhow, did you see me totally call the Raven's D and Darren Sproles' numbers last week? Genius work.

Chicago at New Orleans (-6.5)

The Bears are coming off an impressive win against Atlanta and the Saints are coming off a frustrating season opening lost. This is the first home game for the Saints and they had an extra three days to prepare. Given that the Saints' last two losses were in Green Bay and Seattle, I wonder if maybe they just don't like playing outside. Unrelated, it’s strange to think a kid could have watched the last three years of NFL football and not know who John Madden is. On the other hand, they likely wouldn’t know who Dennis Miller is, so there’s that. What? The game? The spread seems like a bit much, but New Orleans has to be better than 0-2. The Saints cover.

Baltimore at Tennessee (+5.5)

I don't really understand how Titans QB Matt Hasselbeck is in national commercials and has endorsement deals. Does he have another career I don't know about? Was he on "Celebrity Apprentice"? Wait a minute, was he in "The Expendables" with Steven Austin? Whatever. The Titans may have the fastest man in the NFL in Chris Johnson but that just means he'll run into defenders that much faster at the line of scrimmage. Seriously, 24 yards against Jacksonville?I'm pretty sure Peggy Olson would get that much--and score at least once. Ravens.

Philadelphia at Atlanta (+1.5)

Personally, I don't understand people who think Michael Vick should still be in jail. I mean, he's still getting chased, tackled and otherwise mangled by 250-lb men every week. Isn't that kind of a punishment? Michael Vick will probably be tired and busted up by the end of the season but this is only Week Two. Also, I'm getting an Chris Chandler-vibe from Matt Ryan--which makes more sense if you don't remember who that is. Ryan might be good but I don't see why he's not on a straight path to Whatever, USA. Here's hoping Andy Reid can achieve the unlikely and keep himself more pulled together than Chris Farley in the last minute of an SNL skit. Eagles.

San Diego at New England (-6.5)

I'll wait for this to change to a 10-point spread before thinking of the Chargers. Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards last week. They purposefully let Miami drive the ball to the one-foot line and stopped them on downs so that the Pats could set up the longest touchdown from scrimmage ever/possible. This is the New England home opener. On the other hand, Brady threw his first regular season interception since last October, so he might be slipping. With the Indianapolis Mannings boycotting football, the Patriots will be in the Superbowl. And I still wouldn't root for them unless they were playing against the entire cast from "Glee." Patriots by eleventy-hundred billion points.

Season record: 1-3

NFL Predictions: Week One

This weekend is going to be a global anniversary remembered with millions of dry eyes thanks to a decade passing by, the death of Osama bin Laden, the resurrection of Captain America and a new, exhausting and somewhat manufactured financial crisis that directly affected more lives than the 9-11 attacks.

As I had years ago, I will be making some NFL game day predictions over this season. The first prediction is that every game will note the tenth anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. Maybe that prediction doesn't count. So lets get to it.

New Orleans at Green Bay (-4.5)

It seems nuts, I know, to pick the defending World Champion Packers to lose in their home opener and season kick-off, but hey, I want to get a jump on the analysts who always give too much credit to last year. The extended lockout over the off-season didn't hurt all the teams evenly, and the Saints maybe least of all. Drew Brees organized most of the team into unofficial practices and the head office made some strong personnel moves (watch Darrell Sproles if you can). Granted, the Packers didn't go around this off-season acting like they won the most important Superbowl of all-time--like the Saints had one year back--but a repeat is too much to expect in the NFL. Even if the Saints lose, it'll be less than four points. And Drew Brees will be elected to the highest political office he wants after retiring, perhaps re-naming his city "Drew Orleans." (Nice, right?) Saints.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-1.5)

Joe Flacco was my pick to have a break out season last year but instead he stayed defiantly inconsistent. Like "The Wire," you have to watch a lot of Flacco to see the greatness that only might be there. Moreover, I'm not a gambler who considers each loss one step closer to inevitable winnings. Still, Superbowl losers tend to suffer a worse hangover than Kiefer Sutherland; and that might be my only consolation after finding out Big Ben is just one of those high school jocks I was promised wouldn't amount to anything. He had a Superbowl ring by the age of 23; I just want a microwave that'll cook my pizza rolls evenly. The Baltimore defense should eat people this season. Ravens.

Buffalo at Kansas City (-5.5)

I will generally have Chief predictions on this site, being lodged in K.C. and all. Everything else is just random. Which is kind of how the Chiefs play. Todd Haley's idealism of "the right 52" was shot to hell when WR Jonathan Baldwin started taking swings at his teammates. The Chiefs ended last year 2-5 while playing in the AFC West (which is basically co-ed flag football anymore). Cassel still can't throw a ball quicker than I can get another beer, and he's just not a "playmaker." I think the offense scored thirty points during the entire preseason entirely by accident. And now the Chiefs have a season opener against....Buffalo? Really? Oh, okay. Chiefs cover the spread.

Dallas at New York (Jets) (-3.5)

During Donovan McNabb's tenure in Philadelphia, the team consistently made the playoffs and just as consistently lost on the cusp of going to Disney and meeting the President. I'm just saying that "a team's time" never just comes. The Cowboys' self-destruction last year was more fun than 16 Afro Ninjas put together and rather than tap the YouTube market, Jerry Jones has said he is glad the spotlight is out of Dallas this year. Yeah, I'm sure you hate the spotlight, Jerry. Just as I'm sure he won't have the entire Dallas Cowboys football team buried with him if he keels over before they win a Superbowl. The man wants to hoist up a Superbowl trophy but doesn't want to go about the normal route of just writing the best heist movie of all-time, casting 15 or 16 A to C-list actors, running onto the movie set and switching out the real trophy with a gift shop souvenir. Let the Cowboys stay down, for I have no beef with New York. This spread is a joke; Jets by a lot.

Earliest Superbowl Prediction? Patriots and Eagles, which would just be a great QB battle.