The HMS Jersey: Never Saw This

Inspired by the Generation X love of slasher flicks, the last decade gave way to a sub-genre that can only be described as “gore porn”—if not out rightly called such. Horror films are peculiar in that it is apparently cheaper to scare people than create any sense of drama, adventure or humor. Though the genre is as routinely trite as any genre in any medium of entertainment, it remains cost-effective. Indeed, when “horror” films are critically praise-worthy, they seem to evolve out of the genre and into the “suspense” or “modern classic” categories. As for the “gore porn” films, like their slasher precedents, name recognition becomes the selling point. My older cousins had Freddie Kruger; I had “Saw.” They had Jason, I had…well, “Saw.” They had Michael Myers; I had the other Mike Myers...and “Saw.”

For those unfamiliar with the "Saw" franchise, it's a series of comedies about wacky pranks pulled on people who talk too loudly on their cell phones, or are otherwise annoying.

"Oh look, another one of Mr. Jigsaw's zany life lessons!"

While being subjected to one of the annual “Saw” films, I thought about one of the more gruesome true stories in American history. Perhaps I was considering the possibility of a period piece “gore porn” film and its approximate profitability equal to that of a straight up, period piece porno. Perhaps I was just considering my solidarity with the thousands of American Revolutionary war prisoners mistreated, malnourished and murdered on the HMS Jersey. As if the name “Jersey” wasn’t already an indicator of immorality and decadence, the prison ship that housed some of the most torturous conditions in prisoner-treatment history was nicknamed by the few survivors as simply, “Hell.”

During the Revolutionary War, the British captured insane amounts of prisoners…possibly because Americans were just so easy to find in America. Not that some of the captured Americans didn’t deserve to be captured (as per rules of engagement) as General George Washington orchestrated an elaborate system of thousands of spies within the colonies. British generals throughout the war complained of not being out-fought on the battlefield but rather out-spied between the battles. Unsure of who were combatants and who were civilians, the British simply arrested people and hoped Washington’s lines of communication would be cut, or that he’d negotiate for the release of American prisoners. Washington, though, bit the bullet (and other bullets for breakfast) and refused to trade captured British officers for captured Americans--combatants, informants or civilians. This meant that thousands upon thousands of colonists/Americans were cramped onto prison ships for the duration of the war with little attention from anybody.

It’s estimated that between 8,000 to 11,000 prisoners died on these ships; and the most notorious was the HMS Jersey, where 9 out of 10 prisoners died. 9 out of 10. That’s like eliminating every NFL team not in the state of Florida. That’s like reducing the film “Pulp Fiction” to a story about Marvin. 9 out of 10. NBA champion Dirk Nowitzki doesn’t have that kind of percentage shooting free throws.

To make the situation even gorier, because apparently that’s what kids want from their horror films, these deaths weren’t even executions. There was no reason to execute anybody. There weren’t even the guillotine or gun wound possibilities allowed to “Saw” victims. Instead, these prisoners almost entirely died from small pox, dysentery and other diseases where humans basically liquefy from the inside. Rats thrived on the HMS Jersey, eating at the dead prisoners and sometimes just the very sick ones. In the darkest bowels of the ship, lamps could not stay lit for the air was too toxic and bodies of the deceased could not be found until the smell had built up ten days later.

While the British were defeated in Yorktown in 1781, they did not completely evacuate New York until 1783. It was then that they declared the HMS Jersey, a 60-gun warship, a total loss and abandoned it on the harbor. Thousands of dying prisoners were still on board.

This is not a post trying to top the rankings of humanity’s worst crimes. Nor is this even barely related to the celebration of Halloween. But rather I just don’t understand the appeal of a film genre so watered down from reality and yet devoid of insight or escapism.

"Gore porn"...or gor-ror* (gore=horror) films are dumb.

*copyright!

NFL Predictions: Week Eight

Adding a little flavor, Mac will contribute some NFL Predictions this week.

Terrell Owens said he wasn’t a history major and if anybody else is, “it’s their loss.” Finally, this blog has a suitable connection between football and academia! T.O. is like John Edwards or Britney Spears--almost had it all, but in each case their flaws became who they are. Nobody is perfect, sure, but Owens has missed the train of real relevance while he posed for a mirror. He should take any offer to play in the arena football league because it’d prove he wants to play, not that he wants to be famous—and that’s what teams would really like to see. More likely though, T.O. will continue to mug for the cameras and probably do a spread in Playgirl magazine. In short, in the NFL world, T.O. is what he disparages: history.

Minnesota at Carolina (-3.5)

Nick:

Two rookie quarterbacks and both came within one possession of downing the undefeated Packers. Candy Bar Newton put up staggering numbers this season but Vikings’ Chris Ponder has proved rather wily himself. Both teams have all-stars scattered on the field but employ far too many placeholders to be anything more than spoilers for better teams this year. Frankly, this game seems like an exercise in which fans can correctly guess which of the two quarterbacks we’ll be talking about in five years. Personally, I like both of them. But what I really like is that Adrian Peterson is averaging over a hundred yards a game and all three families in South Carolina combined couldn’t stop him. Vikings.

Mac:

How good is Cam Newton. 288.4 yds/gm through his first 7 games in the league, 8 TD to 9 Int. He’s playing for a Panthers team that started their rebuilding with his drafting and he has consistently played playoff-caliber defenses all season. Watching him, he has made throws reserved for elite QBs but has yet to put up one truly elite performance. Much of his yardage output has been due to his team trailing and when he makes a bad throw it is extremely errant. At this point he still has to prove he can win. The Vikings have had a similar reaction to a tough schedule early in the season and were one drive from beating the Packers even though Aaron Rodgers is on fire and it wasn’t a bad game for the defending champs. Ponder beats Newton, 24-21

Detroit at Denver (+2.5)

Nick:

Do you believe in magic? If so, Denver will win this game. Devote only to the algorithms (er, facts) of the game? Detroit is your bet. After starting off as the league’s undefeated Cinderella team, the Lions have stolen the magical mouse and turned back into the proverbial shoe-shaped house (NOTE: I’m not really familiar with the actual Cinderella story, but that’s what happens, right?). Anyhow, the Lions have to be burning at how indifferently people accepted that Detroit lost a staggering(?) two games in a row. Dreams were dashed, expectations fulfilled. Detroit’s Mathew Stafford will start; Denver’s Willis McGahee will be out. There’s really no reason to pick Denver, and I doubt Mac here is a believer. I want to believe in magic, though. Just like Cinderella’s flying carpet (right?). Denver!

Mac:

TEEEEBBBBOOOWWW!!! This kid is a winner, but he’s also a terrible QB. You know when they say a QB can make all the throws in the NFL, well Tebow can’t. Mechanics aren’t all that important (see Philip Rivers) but to have a slow release when you don’t have the arm strength and your QB IQ already makes you a second slower than every other QB, well it leads to 4 for 14, 40 yards performance 54:37 into a football game against the 21st ranked pass defense of the winless Dolphins. On the other hand, Tebow is a weapon with the ball in his hands and if he gets the slightest room, 10 yards in 4 plays is like an abortion, it won’t stop Timmy. Look for Suh to welcome Tebow to the NFL with comments more offensive than mine. Lions 37-9

New England at Pittsburgh (+2.5)

Nick:

I picked the Patriots to go deep in the post-season this year despite my own criticisms of how they just aren’t “a fun team.” Their M.O. is to treat football like a business and it’s done wonders for them. I like my football to be entertaining, though. So I loved that they brought in one of the best entertainers in the league, a man so entertaining that his name itself ripples with interest: Chad Ochocinco. God, I can’t believe how easily that caught on. He’s like a good version of T.O. If the Patriots were to put up 62 points on any team like the Saints did last week there would be been strident outcry for professional sportsmanship. All said, New England—a rounding error away from a perfect record—has shown it’s surprisingly vulnerable this season, allowing teams to pass through their secondary like a rock through wet toilet paper. Still, the Steelers may have won the AFC conference last year but getting back means going through the Patriots (probably twice, even). I want to root for teams I like watching. Steelers.

Mac:

The Steelers looked like the Superbowl-loser hangover was in full swing but quickly recovered. They stand a 5-2 and are keeping pace with the Ravens for the division. With that said the 5 wins came against teams that are a combined 8-24. The Patriots on the other hand have only had one slip up against the much improved Bills. Even with that, Tom Brady is competing in the “Make Dan Marino Completely Irrelevant” contest with Dree Brees and Aaron Rodgers. Maybe winter will stop them, but til then…. Pats 38-24

Cleveland at San Francisco (-7.5)

Nick:

Why the hell Mac wanted us to predict this game is way beyond me. San Francisco had a bye-week coming in, on a 4-game win streak, and quarterback Alex Smith has been kidnapped, locked in a basement and replaced with a pretty good look-a-like. Meanwhile, Cleveland has miraculously skid-marked to only a 3-3 record because while Colt McCoy has thrown 12 interceptions at least 8 of those where to his own teammates—and returned for touchdowns. This is ridiculous and I’m terrified if Mac knows more than me thanks to his corrupt bookie and picks anything beyond the obvious. Because, frankly, this game, this spread, feels like a gift from Vegas. The 49ers are poised to crush Cleveland into some mush that can only be described as “brown.” San Francisco covers the spread two or three times over.

Mac:

One Harbaugh actually knows how to create an offensive identity. He understands Alex Smith’s limitations and has created a game plan that puts the 49ers in the position to win against good teams and consistently win against average teams, much like the Chiefs last season. This team has been extremely talented for the last couple seasons but it took Harbaugh’s coaching to get the players to execute on the field. The Browns have stayed competitive game-in and game-out this year but this game will slowly get out of hand as the Browns have to rely on Colt McCoy. 49ers 31-10

Dallas at Philadelphia (-2.5)

Nick:

Former-future NFL great Vince Young is getting sued by some guy he reportedly punched while drunk at a strip club. I only bring this up because the Eagles are endlessly fascinating for me this year even though their record is well below my original predictions. Now I struggle to think of a situation where I would not pick them to win, knowing full well that the team has turned into the disaster that so many NBA fans prayed would befall the Miami Heat about this time last year. It would seem I’ve sworn some oath of fealty to Philly when I find myself saying the Eagles would win it all if only the NFL season was long enough. Worse yet, some weeks I fear any dignity accumulated in other posts is sacrificed for more Cowboys-bashing. Other weeks I just want to point that Dallas is a nadir hellscape of intersecting highways all created from overlapping efforts of millions to drive through, or otherwise escape, the city as fast as humanly possible. And Jerry Jones can go to the Superbowl when he buys a goddamn ticket. Eagles.

Mac:

Is Vick made of glass? Is Romo overrated or over-criticized? Does Andy Reid coach anymore? Why does Dez Bryant play half the game like Larry Fitzgerald and the other half like he’s Brandon Marshall punting the ball during practice? Why didn’t they trade Vince Young, or at least tell him to shut up? None of these questions will be answered on Sunday. Eagles get back on track and edge out the “unbeatable” Cowboys, 31-27

San Diego at Kansas City (+3.5)

Nick:

I don’t know if it’s physical, emotional or mental, but I think Phillip Rivers is hurt or something. He’s a perennial bronze medallist in the NFL QB rankings and everything looked primed to go in San Diego two months ago. Talent doesn’t just disappear though, so he’s still a stupid-faced threat. Conversely, Matt Cassel is always a threat to the Chiefs. It’s flabbergasting how Cassel had a 38.3 QB rating last week in oakland and still threw less interceptions than not just one but TWO other quarterbacks in that very game. If I took a shot of Bacardi every time Cassel took a shot downfield, I’d be as sober as the Pope. Of course if I played the same game with Rivers I’d wake up two days later with breath that could kill a horse. I guess this means I’ll pick the Chiefs to get with the margin.

Mac:

I understand the Chiefs. The organization has created a strong core on defense that with Eric Berry would have the potential to be a top-10 defense. The offensive has nearly all the necessary pieces, minus a QB. No matter what you tell me, upgrade from Matt Cassel or forever be a 8-8 team that can’t compete with the elite teams in the NFL. The Chargers on the other hand continue to be a mystery. On paper they have both a top offense and top defense. So far this year they’ve had three soft opponents, one underachieving team (Jets), and one great team (Patriots) yet every game has been the same, close with 10 points being the largest differential in their win over the winless Dolphins. The difference between a 4-2 or 2-4 Chargers is so slight for this team that never gets off to a good start. I’m a Chiefs fan so, 27-24, fingers crossed.

Awarding the Vice-Presidents: Unbalancing the Ticket (part four)

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is "to be prepared""

--Vice-President Dan Quayle

Least White: Charles Curtis

Despite the seeming irrelevance of the vice-presidency, the office has actually seen less demographic diversity than the presidency in almost every measurable way. This then means that standards are shifted and when (part-Native American) Charles Kurtis became Herbert Hoover’s VP at the age of 69 in 1929. Basically, Kurtis was immediately introduced as Tonto’s older brother. So how close was Kurtis to putting on war paint or scolding Kevin Costner? Well you tell me, because the man was one-eighth Kaw Indian. Mercilessly, Curtis was called “an Injun” and repeatedly kicked out of his office and moved into a smaller one. While the teasing would have all been rather annoying, Curtis never had a chance after casting his lot with Hoover as the duo sealed up their position as the ass part of an electoral ass-kicking several years before the actual 1932 election.

Most Religiously Ambiguous: Henry Wallace

For 8 years, Henry Wallace served as the Secretary of Agriculture under President Franklin “Not the Penguin from Batman” Roosevelt and, frankly, did a pretty good job. Most notably, Wallace ordered the butchering of 6 million little, probably cute, pigs. The pigs became 100 million pounds of pork for starving people, which also raised the price of full-grown hogs (keeping other farmers employed), and also saved 75 million bushels of corn that the little pigs would have eaten. Wallace responded to the unexpected public outcry, saying, “to hear them talk, you’d think that pigs were raised as pets.” (Wallace then cancelled his plans to butcher several million puppies.) He was promoted (or demoted?) to Vice-President in 1940 and spent four years opposing radicalism, supporting Civil Rights, criticizing poll taxes and even predicted a resurgent Red Scare. Moreover, the man didn’t drink, smoke or play poker. Instead, and this is where he gets outrageous, he spent his time studying Judaism, Buddhism, Zorastrianism and other world religions. Now, he didn’t technically “practice” any of the religions, but rather became familiar with them…for fun. This still terrified party leaders, who successfully labeled him “a mystic” and had him kicked off the re-election ticket in 1944 despite FDR’s reluctance. Eventually, FDR conceded that he “could live with” Harry Truman as his new VP…though apparently he really could not, as 3 months later the President was dead.

First White House Attack Dog: Richard Nixon

Truman may have only been VP for some 3 months, but he was agonizingly bored for that time and so made sure his own VP, Alben Barkley, was always traveling and giving speeches somewhere. This precedent of speaking tours was gobbled up and regurgitated when R.M. Nixon became second-in-command and used his office as a form of perpetual campaigning. Using the microphone of the executive branch, Ol’ Tricky Dick (who was actually a young man) went after so-called “lip-service Americans” with a falsified venom that sickened President Eisenhower. In the most private rooms in D.C., Nixon was called the “little man in a big hurry” whose absurd and vindictive tactics were more polarizing than successful. Indeed, two years after getting into the executive office for the first time in twenty years—essentially receiving a Republican mandate--Nixon’s electioneering lost Republican control of Congress. It’s almost an American tradition at this point; that is, that a newly elected President will suffer in their first midterms. Nixon continued to go after his critics and tried to compare himself with former VP Theodore Roosevelt; though the obvious difference was that unlike Nixon, TR had a life outside of politics.

And a great life at that!

(Yes, that's the President riding a real moose across a river.)

The Most Suspiciously Friendly: Lyndon Johnson

Most people were shocked when JFK’s offered LBJ the vice-president slot, and they were simply stunned when the 6’4” Senator from Texas accepted. Johnson assured his supporters, though, that he was not on a road to obscurity but rather felt “power is where power goes.” Commonly, Johnson’s blunt language revealed a blunter politician, such as his Sun Tzu-esque quote, “it’s better to have your enemies in the tent pissing out, then outside the tent pissing in.” But when he flippantly told Bashir Ahmad, a Pakistani camel driver, to come visit America sometime, a curious news spectacle was born (and since forgotten). LBJ used Eisenhower’s People-to-People program to fund the journey of the illiterate foreigner to visit the United States, alongside the Vice-President for a week. They ate chicken fingers and colloquially traveled around (with some press) to NYC, D.C, K.C. and Texas. Eventually Ahmad was tearfully dropped off in Mecca. Friends or not, for Ahmad’s sake, I just really hope he didn’t have to go camping in a tent with Lyndon Johnson.

Quickest Fall from Grace: Spiro Agnew

For five years of the Nixon administration, Agnew was touted as a “law and order” politician who wanted to crack down on crime, extremists, long hair, Frisbees, drugs, pornography, Communism and East Coast intellectuals. Agnew was a spokesman for the hypothetical Silent Majority due to his constant invocation of the “good old days.” You know, the days before crime, extremists, drugs, sex and intellectualism. Regardless, in 1973, Nixon started coming under fire for the Watergate break-in, the resulting cover-up and a series of partially (or completely) unrelated payoffs, tax write-offs, dubious expenditures, blackmail, Cambodia-bombings, wire-tapping and other abuses of executive power. Nixon, displaying the moral clarity of a James Cameron-villain, (likely) threw his Vice-President under the Public Relations bus by having the Justice Department bring up charges of bribery and extortion. The American people were aghast that Spiro “Mr. Clean” Agnew, who was completely disassociated with the Watergate Scandal, had his own legal problems, and that they were actually brought to trial. Agnew fiercely declared, “I will not resign!” about two weeks before resigning. Mere minutes after handing over his resignation, Agnew walked to a court house and pleaded “no contest” to a charge of tax evasion and sentenced to 3 years, unsupervised, probation. Two days after the resignation, Nixon staged an elaborate ceremony to announced that the White House was now free from corruption and could move forward with grace and dignity, for he was nominating his next vice-president: Gerald Ford.

I don’t think anybody would have elected Gerald Ford on his own merit, ever. So why was he so easily approved for the vice-presidency when Nixon was still under storms of impeachable offenses? Did Nixon think all the scandals had been lumped on Agnew and thus forgotten about? Did other people also think that was going to happen? Less than a full administration before then, a Vice-president had (yet again) unexpectedly assumed the office of the presidency. In the 20th century alone, it happened FIVE times. And each time, the VP had been picked to balance the ticket with absolutely no regard to his own executive capabilities (with the possible exception of Truman).

So why are we so quick to forget? I don’t know. I once heard that comedy is just tragedy plus time. I, for one, wouldn’t mind working a little harder in raising the bar of modern politics to give comedy writers a hundred years from now a little less material than we’ve been given.

NFL Predictions: Week Seven

Atlanta at Detroit (-2.5)

The Lions have started off the season so well I can’t help but wonder if the team got some of that government bailout money being poured into Michigan over the last few years. Regardless, how coach Jim Schwartz handled defeat last week made it seems like he was the first person to ever be disappointed in Detroit. And now instead of people talking about how surprising it is that the Lions are 5-1, it’s become a common predication that by Week 16 the team won’t be any more intimidating than that lion from “The Wizard of Oz.” Seriously, Schwartz, take a little pride in getting the team off to a great start—I don’t think the Lions have started a season 5-0 since going against the Christians. What, too soon? Meanwhile in Atlanta, the Falcons are at a very complimentary 3-3. Their losses have been awful and their wins none too stellar. Their most impressive win this season would easily be beating the Lions in Detroit; conversely, the Lions losing would be their worst lost. Detroit covers.

San Diego at New York (Jets) (+1.5)

This year teams have been running on the Jets like a treadmill. Everybody is just running like a nose during allergy season. Harnessing unnecessary amounts of energy, the Chargers are coming off a bye week and a three-game win streak. Forget the Lions, this is the best start for San Diego in nearly a decade. New York has LaDainian Tomlinson now but I don’t think they use him enough for the long-time Charger to get any “revenge” on his former team, even though that’ll be a go-to narrative for the broadcasters and media. More importantly, Sanchez has face-planted since being rated Forbes’ most overpaid NFL player. Truly, he has soiled the name “Sanchez.” Philip Rivers is going to put up some real numbers for this game. Chargers.

Houston at Tennessee (-2.5)

This game has carried absolutely zero weight in the divisional race in recent, or distant, memory. But we now live in a post-Peyton Manning era. Don’t kid yourself, he’s not coming back this season or next season. Or ever again. Sure, Peyton MIGHT take another snap, but he’s not coming back in the way Tom Brady or Drew Bress came back from their respective injuries. Fortunately, Manning has shown such continued (albeit subtle) disgust with the play-calling and time-management of head coach Jim Caldwell that I think Manning will shrug away offers to be a football analysis and take the far more impressive route of actually coaching teams in the future. 0-6 is bad for any team, but it’s absolutely disastrous for a team that didn’t know it was in a “rebuilding” season a month ago. Manning will reveal a darker side of himself before this is all done and Caldwell will finish the season on the unemployment line. Oh, uh, and Houston gets within the margin. Probably wins, too. You know, for whatever reason.

St. Louis at Dallas (-14.5)

Both teams have more bandages than an army of Civil War re-enactors and this game will be largely over-shadowed in both cities by Game Four of the Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series. During the off-season, I really thought St. Louis was one good receiver away from winning their division this year; which was meant as half a testament to Sam Bradford and half an insult to the NFC (“Is This Even Football?”) West. With the crop of wide receivers that got shuffled around this season, I figured at least one player’s car would get jacked while they drove through St. Louis and be forced to play on the Rams to earn enough scratch for a plane ticket home. But nope. No Sidney Rice, Santonio Holmes, Braylon Edwards, Steve Smith, Plaxico Burress or Chad Ochocinco. Hell, in August, the Rams probably could have picked up Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for a combine twenty-five bucks. What I really hope is that the Rams didn’t get turned down by those last two receivers who felt they had better options—as Owens recently overdosed on pain medications (again) and Moss, more embarrassingly, retired. This all brings me back to the point that St. Louis has more problems than just a receiving corp. Still, with so many unknowns in the air, I have to think the Rams will do what JFK could not and keep from getting killed in Dallas.* Rams within the margin.

Green Bay at Minnesota (+7.5)

Rookie Christian Ponder is getting his first start as the Vikings’ QB and his game stats will be put up again Aaron Rogers—who is rewriting the record books after (hopefully) giving up on ridiculous mustaches styles. While the Packers have won 12-straight games since last year, they spent most of this week talking about how they messed up against the Rams. Green Bay is putting up nearly 33 points per game and haven't allowed the losers to be within a touchdown since Week Two. Rodgers put up a 141.3 rating last time he was in the Metrodome and I have no reason to think he won’t have the Vikings fans eat an equally big piece of “shut-the-hell-up” this time. By the fourth quarter, the Vikings will probably just put their few dozen remaining fans in shoulder pads and have them finish out the game so that the real players can beat the traffic home. Packers cover.

Indianapolis at New Orleans (-13.5)

A rematch of the Superbowl nearly two years ago and both teams are as low as they’ve been since then. While Peyton Manning’s injury has been excessively documented (in this post, no less!), the Saints recently lost their own Payton (head coach, Sean) to a knee injury when a player was tackled into him last week. Now Payton and Peyton will likely be in their respective coaches’ booths and I almost expect/want this game to play out like 22 headless bodies running into each other for three hours. This might be too much fantasy though. More likely, Drew Brees will be able to give all the players some sideline speech about “going out and winning one for the Limper” and everyone will cheer and proceed to crush the Colts like a glue factory. Yeah, the Saints will cover.

Season: 12-12 (I’m so close to being incredible at this!)

*Oh come on, don’t tell me that was too soon.

Awarding the Vice-Presidents: Unbalancing the Ticket (part three)

Four presidents in a ten-year span—each immobilized physically, intellectually or politically. Overlapping that time, due to death and resignations, the country also only had a vice-president for 5 years and 9 months in a 16-year period. All in the shadow of the Civil War that would claim over 600,000 causalities. That nobody cared at the time is a testament of horrifying negligence and a frustration to all who saw absolute disaster written on the wall.

Most Treacherous: John Cabell Breckenridge

Yes, this man, John Cabell Breckenridge, beats out Aaron Burr (who shot Alexander Hamilton) as the most directly violent man elected one “accident” away from the United States presidency. Any political incompetence John C. Breckenridge displayed while VP was overshadowed by his “P,” James Buchanan—who never reconciled his beliefs that South Carolina could not legally secede from the Union but also, that he, as sitting president, could not do anything to stop them. While Buchanan’s reaction to the outbreak of war has been characterized as weak or indecisive, Brechenridge has to be far more appalling as the former vice-president fled into the Deep South in 1861, joined the Southern army, became a major general and eventually promoted to Secretary of War, for the Confederate States of America (CSA). As Secretary, Breckenridge predominately focused on saving CSA government buildings and documents so that their side of the story would not be lost in history. After the official end of the war, Breckenridge and a band of outlaws continued to harass/kill Northern forces like some real-life Josey Wales. Feeling a proverbial noose tighten around his neck, Breckenridge fled to Cuba, then England, then the Middle East until 1869, when he cemented his role as a villain on the show "24" by being granted complete amnesty by President Andrew Johnson.

Least Deserving of a President’s Support: Andrew Johnson

Rough transition, I know, but so was Johnson’s rise in the world of politics. Unlike Abraham Lincoln—who also grew up relatively poor—Johnson became petty, vindictive and just flatly mean-spirited toward his rich and/or educated peers. Also, unlike Lincoln, Johnson remained staggeringly illiterate until sometime after he got married. In 1864, it looked as though Lincoln would not be reelected and so replaced his VP with Andrew Johnson, a southerner who might pacify the fears of southerners thinking about rejoining the Union. Lincoln and Johnson won but things got off to an abysmal start when Johnson became uncontrollably drunk in the Senate Chambers and rambled loudly, and occasionally incoherently, about his life. Oh, and this was during the man’s own inauguration to the American vice-presidency. Johnson defenders—I repeat, his defenders—point out that the Vice-President may have consumed courageous amounts of alcohol in an effort to cure himself of typhoid fever, which can be caused from ingesting food contaminated by feces. So yeah. Shortly after ascending to the Presidency in 1865, Johnson asked all former slaves to just go back to work on the plantations and found himself saved from impeachment by a single vote. He was reportedly buried with a copy of the Constitution but it could have just as well been some pages torn from a copy of Uncle Tom’s Cabin as nobody really gave a fart about Johnson and figured him to be as incomprehensibly stupid in the afterlife as he was here on Earth.

Loneliest: William Wheeler

In 1876, the Republican party had the usual problem of picking a vice-presidential candidate that had always plagued both parties’ conventions—and essentially still does. Eventually, somebody said, “What about Wheeler?” to which everyone else, including Wheeler himself, laughed. The next day he was nominated under the slogan, “Who the hell is Wheeler?”—a slogan later replaced by, “Seriously; who again?” On a personal level, Wheeler was by all accounts affable, quiet and had a level of morality that’d make Jimmy Stewart’s ‘Mr. Smith’ look like Joe McCarthy. However, Wheeler also didn’t drink that much and was a widower with neither children nor immediate family. Wheeler made few, if any, friends in D.C. due to his own political indifference and rarely talked during the senatorial debates he presided over. After four years, he moved back to northern New York and hilariously…no, wait, tragically…died so quietly that people were not actually sure when he died at all.

“Oh come on!”: Thomas Andrews Hendricks

In 1884, Thomas Andrews Hendricks ran as the Democratic Vice-President and in the campaign said that his running mate, Grover Cleveland, should withdraw from the race after a mid-level paternity scandal broke out. Hendricks then decried the Emancipation Proclamation and lambasted the 14th Amendment. After the successful election, the 65-year-old Hendricks demanded that his dangerously unqualified friends be given government jobs; but ultimately he had the good sense to drop dead less than nine months after taking office. Around this same time, President Cleveland became extremely sick and many thought would also die; which would have decimated the stability of the country, as the leaders in the House and the Senate (in line for political succession) had not been chosen yet. Fortunately, Cleveland recovered. Three years later, the Democrats nominated Allen Thurman to be Cleveland’s next vice-president. Thurman was 75 years old.

Richest (probably): Levi Parsons Morton

Levi Parsons Morton was one of the richest men in the country by the 1870s and a precursor to the titans of industry that’d dominate politics thirty years later. Morton, though, owed his financial success to international banking with his company L.P. Morton & Co. To put that in perspective, that “& Co.” stood for Junius Morgan, father of J.P. Morgan. In 1880, Morton rejected the VP nomination, preferring instead to try for Secretary of the Treasury—a position that gets to hire several hundred more experts (or cronies) than the vice-president. Instead, Morton was appointed ambassador to France, which he accepted and hosted numerous parties for the next several years. An incredible benefit of all his parties was that he secured funding for the Statue of Liberty project—which had stalled when too many people asked, “what’s the point?”

Damn you! You blew it up! Damn you all to--no, wait, it just hasn't been built yet.

In 1888, Morton won the American vice-presidency and was generally regarded as a non-partisan overseer, judicial and independent—even from his own party. Obviously such incompetence led to him being dropped from the ticket four years later. As a notable epilogue, Morton ran for governor of New York in 1894, won, served a single term and retired. That gubernatorial campaign in 1894 personally cost Morton some $36,000—adjusted nowadays to over $860,000.

Best “Way to Jinx It!” Moment: Theodore Roosevelt

“Let’s Kick Roosevelt Upstairs” was the unofficial slogan for party bosses and industrialists tired of dealing with the progressive Republican New York governor Roosevelt. Mark Hanna, Chairman of the Republicans, was one of the first and only people to openly acknowledge the possibility that the nominated VP could become President, even though it had happened several times before. Hanna was convinced TR was a madman who was always campaigning for himself. In Roosevelt’s defense, he could not sit still for more than a few minutes and earnestly enjoyed the rigors of speaking tours in the days pre-dating sound systems. Upon the McKinley-Roosevelt election victory, Hanna disturbingly said to the President, “Your duty to the country is to live for four years from next March.” McKinley, though, got the last laugh by getting in the way of a bullet nine months later and died.

Least Alive: James Sherman

VP James Sherman and President William Taft combined for over 530 pounds, but few political successes. In 1912, the presidential election went crazier than a drunk Al Davis and was capped off by the death of the incumbent Vice-President about a week before the voting. While being dead would end most political careers, Sherman’s name had already been printed on posters and ballots across the country. Republican leaders grudgingly said one Nicholas Butler would become the next VP should Taft/Sherman win, but the show was over and the sitting powers lost. Still, Sherman, a dead man, was voted to remain as the nation's Vice-President by nearly 3.5 million Americans (23%). So, you know, pretty good showing.

NFL Predictions: Week Six

San Francisco at Detroit (-4.5)

There is reason to celebrate in Detroit but the turn around seems like too much now. A month ago, 10-6 would have been a great season record for the Lions; now such a record would elicit pity, mockery or at least disappointment. The Lions are looking to go 6-0, which means I have to break out some real history books to find precedent. Ah, yes, here it is. The last time the Lions started 6-0 was in 1956. This was not only during the Eisenhower administration, but still within the first term. Richard Nixon was a young, spunky politician from California. Elvis Presley appeared on TV for the first time weeks earlier. Neither Ron White nor Larry Bird was born yet. The Rams were in Los Angles, the Colts were in Baltimore and no human had ever been in space. This was a time that pre-dated both Hulla-Hoops and Barbie. And, I swear to God, the 5-0 Lions continued their winning streak that year by beating the San Francisco 49ers 17-13. And because history can be creepy, I predict the same score. Niners within the margin.

Buffalo at New York (Giants) (-2.5)

New York could bring in Lebron James, right? I thought that was the talk at some point a little more than a year ago. He isn’t doing anything else right now, besides maybe growing fat from accidentally inhaling fumes from McDonald’s food during his commercial tapings. The Bills have beaten good teams and they had one loss that really just kept them honest. Across the field, the most impressive things the Giants have mustered is some well-organized computer hack into the NFL Statistics Mainframe to doctor Eli Manning’s season QB rating to a suspiciously (Peyton) Manning-esque 102.3. New York football fans wouldn't move up-state anyway. Bills.

Houston at Baltimore (-5.5)

The Titans are flexing and Texans’ Mario Williams is out, which means Houston will sooner choke on their mouthpieces then finally claim a division title. If they sack anybody, it’ll probably be their coach. Conversely, the Ravens have a defense that stops runners from even falling forward. Continuing, the Ravens are rested and studied. With a weakening receiving corp, Matt Schaub will likely throw more TDs to the Ravens than Texans. “Fun” Fact: Houston Texans has never defeated Baltimore in four meetings. Fun “Fact”: Ray Rice will carry at least one Texan into the end zone and then spike the defender in celebration. Ravens by a good chunk.

Dallas at New England (-4.5)

Tony Romo doesn’t realize there are four quarters in a football game. If Dallas had a 10 point lead in the fourth I still wouldn’t pick them. Patriots running back Ben Jarvis Jeremy Green-Ellis (that’s one name) plowed through the Jets last week with a fervor and enthusiasm akin to kid getting a brand new bike. With how Tom Brady has been throwing the ball, maybe Mr. Five Names didn’t think he’d ever get to run and so when he did he made the most of it. I also like that the Patriots are chasing a team in their division for a change. They’re not in any real trouble, but I like seeing at least one drop of sweat from the annual Superbowl contenders. Still…they don’t have a reputation for charity. Patriots cover.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+3.5)

In the first week I suggested Drew Brees rename his city Drew Orleans, but now with the added benefit of adding a city nickname: The Big Breezy. Beyond that, the entire state could be called Drew-isiana. Okay, that one is a bit of stretch. Anyway, the Saints have devastated Tampa Bay in their last two trips there by a combined 69-13 score. And frankly, one of my proudest predictions this year was that Darren Sproles would fit into New Orleans like a drunken, thieving sailor—and he has marvelously. The Buccaneers got absolutely embarrassed by the 49ers last week—which was doubly embarrassing because it was the 49ers. Any team with any semblance of pride or perseverance would come back the next week with the unrestrained energy of a “The Price is Right” contestant. But against the Saints? Tampa Bay won’t. New Orleans by at least a touchdown.

Minnesota at Chicago (-2.5)

After extending his contract over the off-season, Adrian Peterson has got to be getting a Barry Sanders-feeling. Minnesota is the worst in what is becoming a rather formidable division and there is no real hope on the horizon. Donovan McNabb is becoming a liability for the Vikings, collapsing like so many Metrodomes before him. Speaking of which, a Minnesota tax hike will help pay for the new stadium but I don’t think the Vikings will be much more motivated to win as a repayment for Johnny Q. Taxpayer—who didn’t even get a chance to vote against the new stadium via some referendum. Meanwhile Los Angeles football fans have gotten a little louder in the last few years, wanting a local team, yet again. After all, the city is likely going to take a double-hit, losing the NBA season for the Lakers and, less tragically, the Clippers. Notably, the Vikings’ stadium contract is up after this year and so there are more than rumbles about the Vikings moving to L.A. This would follow the exact path of the Lakers, who were also originally from Minneapolis—which explains the team name, as Los Angeles boasts only a plethora of automatic sprinkler systems, not lakes.

As a gratuitous side note, I think the Clippers are also not named in honor of the hair stylists in Los Angeles but actually reference the famed hair salons of their original city: Buffalo. So obviously this means the Bears are going to win by at least three. Obviously.

Season Record: 9-9

Awarding the Vice-Presidents: Unbalancing the Ticket (part two)

“I do not propose to be buried until I am really dead and in my coffin.”

--Daniel Webster rejecting the motion to nominate him as vice-president.

Immortalized by Most Obscure Insult: Elbridge Gerry

Sworn into the office of the Vice-President at nearly 69 years old, Elbridge Gerry had little time to wield any new-found power before dying less than two years later in 1814. To the man’s credit, he had already originated one of the most immoral, and thus replicated, practices in American politics. Specifically, as governor of Massachusetts, he helped re-draw the voting districts so that the populations of his political enemies would only win a few areas. Upon seeing one of the obviously redesigned political cheats, a Congressman commented that, “the district looks like a salamander.” To which a friend said, “No, it’s far too ugly. Call it a Gerrymander.” And that’s how you (legally) keep down minorities.

"See! Illinois' 4th district looks like a salamander!

Or at least after I ran over one with my Honda Civic."

Worst Bookkeeper: Daniel D. Tompkins

I don’t know how one measures patriotism; and while I respect the men and women in uniform, I also know that they don’t, nor ever, fought for freedom for free. This is why New York Governor Daniel Tompkins had to personally raise $4 million from residents for militia payroll of a state that was being attacked by the British in the War of 1812. Long story short, America signed a truce to end the war and Tompkins got to be Monroe’s VP. As the second-in-command, Tompkins routinely showed up to the Senate chambers drunk and was investigated for $120,000 of New York state’s budget that went missing during the previous war. Incredibly, the state legislature agreed to let Tompkins off the hook, as ‘these things happen.’ More incredibly, Tompkins felt this forgiveness was not enough and demanded the state pay him ten grand for his exceptional work as governor, on top of his governor's salary. New York fired back and sued the sitting vice-president, though eventually dropped the charges, as staying mad at the always-drunk Tompkins was just too exhausting. For whatever reason (and that phrase is going to get said a lot when talking about American vice-presidents), New York City renamed Clinton Square—after, the previously senile, George Clinton—to Tompkins Square Park.

Most Incredible Flip-Flopper: John C. Calhoun

In the 1820s, John C. Calhoun approached bitter enemies, and presidential hopefuls, John Quincy Adams and Andrew Jackson in an effort to be either one’s vice-president with the seeming casualness of calling, “I got winner!” during a game of beer pong. JQA and Jackson, fully aware of Calhoun’s flagrant political ambition consented, perhaps under the impression that Calhoun would only become president after the president’s death, and who cares about politics when they’re dead? (Well, Zombie Nixon…but that’s for another post.) So JQ Adams (and Calhoun) win the election and Calhoun goes to work immediately bashing the president by writing newspaper editorials under the pseudonym, “Onslow.” I personally took the time to figure out that “Onslow” is actually an anagram for “Owl Son”…though there’s no real evidence that that means anything. Anyhow, Jackson, again “for whatever reason,” allows Calhoun to join his ticket and become the VP candidate for his victorious election in 1828. Unexpectedly, the still-Vice-President immediately started causing trouble for Jackson when Calhoun proclaimed that South Carolina had a right to secede from the Union in 1830. Prez Jackson responded by threatening to hang Calhoun (his own vice-president). Calhoun, knowing Jackson never bluffed in his life, resigned the vice-presidency. To shame the man for displaying neither political principles nor even courage or basic human decency, South Carolina made sure John Calhoun was put on the Confederate States of America $100 bill some thirty years later.

Victim of the Most Nonsensical Outrage: Richard Johnson

Politically handicapped by his personal life, Richard Johnson still managed to rise to the office of the vice-president under Martin Van Buren. Johnson’s critics leveled against him accusations of “outrageous” and “outlandish” behavior. Indeed, they said, he had a total disregard for propriety and morality. How so? Well, he lived with his biracial mistress, Julia Chinn. And, in fact, calling Julia his mistress isn’t really fair, as he treated her as an equal and they enjoyed a common-law marriage. On top of that, they had two daughters who Johnson educated and gave land to as wedding gifts. For failing to denounce his de facto (and deceased) wife and beautiful, married, one-forth African-American daughters, Johnson was dropped from Van Buren’s re-election ticket in 1840.

Most Likely to have been Gay: William Rufus King

The terms “gay” and “homosexual” didn’t exist as words, and barely even as concepts, in the 1850s. This means that historians/bullies will never know for sure if Franklin Pierce’s vice-president William Rufus King and (later president) James Buchanan were a homosexual couple. What is known is that neither man ever married, they lived together for 15 years and wrote several letters to one another that were fit to burn. Former Presidents Jackson and Quincy Adams referred to W.R. King as “Nancy” and “gentle.” Other contemporaries called the VP “James’ wife.” I consider myself fairy progressive and so won’t criticize King for his personal habits—which are still only speculative. However, he does deserve some condemnation for accepting the vice-presidential position after concealing his terminal case of tuberculosis. In a vain attempt to be cured by the Caribbean sun, King took his Oath of Office in Havana, Cuba…and died less than a month later. With a near Tobias Funke-level of ambiguity, James Buchanan would lament that without William Rufus King, he’d now need “some old maid who can nurse me when I am sick, provide good dinners for me when I am well, and not expect from me any very ardent or romantic affection.”

Between Gerry and King, several American Vice-Presidents can be accused of ambition, deception and negligence, as can the political leaders who put them in such potential avenues of near-ultimate power. However, the next few men would prove just how damning voter indifference can be when fate throws a curve ball.

Awarding the Vice-Presidents: Unbalancing the Ticket

“At a convention nearly all the delegates leave as soon as they’ve nominated the president for fear one of them will be nominated for vice-president.”

--unknown, 1906

For the better part of over two hundred years, the President of the United States has been the most powerful man in the world, and the vice-president has been lost to public obscurity as punishment for political foibles or, in more extreme cases, crimes against humanity. Since the creation of the American vice-presidency, the office has been a political white elephant gift and the occupants have been mocked, derided and forgotten—with their only hope resting on the failing heart of their lone superior. While I will continue to mock and deride some of the men whose place in history is so anonymous it has not yet solidified, many more men’s histories will be dusted off and re-remembered in this series of makeshift awards.

The Original Buzz Aldrin: John Adams

Per the Constitution, “After the choice of the President, the person having the greatest number of votes of the electors shall be the Vice-President.” In one ballot, all 69 votes from the electorates went to George Washington and 34 second-choices went to Adams. The remaining 35 “second-place” votes were spread out and Adams was incontrovertibly the country’s first Vice-President (VP) and in a position nobody really understood. See, the section of the Constitution regarding the VP was almost an after-thought and basically written as everybody was walking out the door at the Constitutional Convention. From the beginning, people figured Adams could handle the ambiguity of the position, though still not the best fit for the presidency itself. For instance, Adams had several polarizing ideas--including that Senators’ positions would be hereditary. Regardless of his aristocratic leanings, Adams—while coming to the slow realization that the VP office can be isolating—has to be credited with having the clarity of foresight, knowing the public’s passion for legends. He is quoted as saying, “The history of our revolution will be one continued lie from one end to the other. The essence of the whole will be that Dr. [Ben] Franklin’s electrical rod, smote the Earth and out sprung General Washington. That Franklin electrified him with his rod—and thence forward these two conducted all the Policy, Negotiations, Legislatures and War.” That this is exactly what I know of American history is evidence of the man’s wisdom and warranted cynicism.

Worst Political Foil: Thomas Jefferson

With humility that cannot be understated, George Washington refused to run for a third term as POTUS; though the absence of his diplomatic leadership led to the country’s first (of thousands) political division. Thomas Jefferson was the nation’s first Secretary of State, which also made him the first to resign his post in less than 4 years due to frustrations with other Cabinet members and then-VP John Adams. Adams and Jefferson both desired the presidency more than any other man before them and peripherally resorted to tactics that’d shame (or inspire) modern political operatives. Unlike the first 8 years, this meant the President Adams’s No. 2 man (Jefferson) was also his main political rival. Like nearly every President after him, Adams tried to silence his critics—specifically with the Alien and Sedition Acts—which outraged Jefferson to the point of anonymously drafting critical resolutions decrying Adams and sending them to state legislatures. Perhaps Jefferson was being underhanded, but he never openly supported the Adams administration, and indeed risked incarcerated for his “seditious” writings.

Highest Kill Count (in office): Aaron Burr

As if to one-up the previous administration's frustrations with Vice-President Jefferson, now-President Jefferson allowed Aaron Burr onto his ticket in 1800. Burr, though, spoke his mind openly and was obviously going to be booted from Jefferson’s ticket come re-election. Before then, though, Burr challenged former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel because…well…there’s isn’t a specific reason. Basically both men has been in duels before (though neither had killed nor been shot) and in 1804, Burr was pissed and Hamilton was depressed. Some historians have speculated Hamilton was clinically depressed, as he had recently lost his son—who was killed dueling an Aaron Burr-supporter. To employ every specific legal loophole, Hamilton and Burr arrived at the dueling grounds at different times and neither brought their guns. Moreover, both of their seconds (i.e. best/worst friends ever) turned away from the duel so that NOBODY except the gunmen saw what happened. In all likelihood, Hamilton shot first, but purposefully shot high…indicating he was brave enough to duel but merciful enough to not kill (which was similar to what he did years earlier when dueling—I kid you not—future President James Monroe). Burr likely fired second and, definitely, struck Hamilton in the gut.

Now, this where the story gets stupid. (Thanks for the warning!) The men dueled in New Jersey, not D.C., and the states did not have extradition treaties; this meant nobody short of Batman could arrest the murderous Burr as long as he stayed in D.C. or any other state. Fortunately, Burr claimed unofficial residency in Crazytown and tried to start his own empire in the Midwest, which meant he could be arrested and was brought to trial for treason and murder. And here’s where the story takes an absolute nose-dive: Burr was released on the technically that nobody actually “saw” him shoot and kill (the Founding Father and Mr. Ten-Dollar Bill) Alexander Hamilton.

Pictured: Not an accurate representation; dumb.

Most Senile: George Clinton

While it would be a couple of years before America would have another murderer as vice-president, the voters wasted no time filling the country’s crazy-quota in the federal government. In 1795, George Clinton stepped down from the governor’s office of New York, citing his own deteriorating health and just generally being too old to keep up in politics. Nine years later, at age 66, Clinton decided he could at least be a more competent vice-president than the former VP, and now fugitive, Aaron Burr and joined the Jefferson ticket. Within weeks, Congressmen complained about the vice-president, who physically resided over the Senate, as vaguely outlined in the Constitution. Clinton was called old, feeble, incapable and "lacking any semblance of mind, intellect and memory." Clinton assumed the continuous insults were just his initiation and was outraged he did not get the presidential nomination in 1808. Astoundingly, the party leaders felt the best way to shut-up Abe Simpson--I mean, George Clinton--was to keep him as vice-president for the James Madison administration. A man whose memory was so frail he’d stop talking mid-sentence upon forgetting what he was originally talking about, was one heartbeat away from leading this infant nation. He died in office less than 4 years later and inexplicably gifted with this tombstone engraving: “an Illustrious Example of a Well Spent Life, Worthy of all Imitation.”

Yeah, that might be a sarcastic epitaph. But after reading about the vice-presidents to come, it’s really hard to tell.