Time to think more laterally in a head-to-head match up between Putin and Roosevelt.
Education:
Putin went to LSU. Not the SEC football school with a history filled with more miracles than the Holy Land, but actually Leningrad State University. I can’t speak for the quality of the school so I guess that’s a strike against it. Putin used his education to become the head of a regional newspaper, which I guess is nice. And with his international studies, he can speak Russian (duh), English, German and French.
Meanwhile, TR graduated from Harvard (hey, I’ve heard of that school!) with a degree in history (holla’!). Roosevelt went on to write several books about naval warfare and ecology. Roosevelt took just long enough breaks from writing to be a New York state legislator (at age 23) and police commissioner—basically Batman’s boss—who walked the streets of New York beating up cops who took bribes. Frankly, that TR wrote books almost by accident while scribbling on napkins is insulting to struggling writers (me, others), but whatever. Oh yeah, and TR would match Putin’s German and French literacy and raise him with fluency in Italian, Greek and Latin.
Putin:3
TR: 4
In the Environment:
Putin has tranquilized and tagged both wild and escaped tigers and bears. Often, these are great photo-ops as the leader of Russian gets to open the jaws of a 400-lb man-eating tiger. But Putin’s environmentalism doesn’t just stop at tranquilizing wild animals, he also signed the Kyoto Protocol—which may have been more toothless than the tigers Putin tackled, but it’s still a nice gesture I guess.
TR, though, practically invented environmentalism. Between the Antiquities Act and creation of National Parks, Roosevelt did more good for wildlife in America than any other president until that hippie, tree-hugger Nixon created the EPA in 1970. Roosevelt also famously refused to shoot a tied-up bear cub, thus creating the “Teddy Bear”—a nickname the Colonel deeply despised for himself. After his presidency, TR filled the National Natural History Museum—and several zoos—with flora and fauna from all around the world so that Americans could see and learn from the previously unseen. However, for all the good TR did for American animals, he absolutely wasted animals around the world by the truckload. If he knocked an animal out it wasn’t thanks to tranquilizers, it was because he beat it with the butt of his rifle. So obviously that’s a lot cooler.
Putin: 3
TR: 5
Cartography:
Kyrgyzstan named a mountain after Putin and he wants to climb it, for he must be the tallest Putin on Earth once again.
Brazil renamed the River of Doubt to Rio Roosevelt (later Rio Teo) after Roosevelt, his son Kermit and a couple other men became the first party to successfully navigate the seriously deadly 1000-mile river. The first party. Ever. Also, Roosevelt separated the American continents by punching the ground and calling it the Panama Canal.
Putin:3
TR:6
Pets:
Putin’s black lab, Koni, is a rather famous dog for always following Putin on world tours and just generally intimidating other people/pets. A notable example was when Koni nearly ate George W. Bush’s Scottish terrier Barney. Apparently Bush's Barney isn’t much better at instilling fear than any other Barney’s.
Surely Roosevelt had cool pets, you say! Surely! Oh God, yes. Roosevelt had so many animals in the White House that modern day readers might think he was expecting a worldwide flood--and wanted to have plenty of fresh meat after the storm. Seriously, TR had at least five dogs. And a snake (his son Quentin had 4). TR also had a lizard, 5 guinea pigs, a regular pig, a badger, a parrot, a hen, a one-legged rooster (don’t ask about the other leg), a rabbit, a pony, an owl and a hyena. Also, just for kicks, he was known for releasing a small bear and lion cubs on the White House grounds just for kicks.
Putin: 3
TR: 7
Progeny:
Putin has two daughters of whom nothing is really known.
Roosevelt wins hands down. Even the grandchildren are awesome. The greatest crime America has ever committed is not forcing Roosevelt to be our king so that a lineage of ass-kicking could be harnessed for political ends. All surviving sons fought in both world wars. Theodore Roosevelt, Jr. won the Medal of Honor for being the only general to land in Normandy on D-Day; and he did so with a walking stick and pistol. Junior’s humor, leadership and confidence during the blood-soaked beach landing inspired all the men within earshot and saved countless lives. Archibald Roosevelt was declared 100% disabled for grenade in injuries...in both World Wars and his son was one of the founders of the CIA and had a speaking or reading knowledge of over 20 languages! Kermit Roosevelt captured animals in the Himalayas and Amazon. Kermit, Jr. was a 1950s American spy and single-handedly staged an Iranian coup d’etat in 1953!
Putin: 3
TR: 8
Actual Assassination Attempts:
In February this year, two militants were arrested in the Ukraine for plotting the assassination of Vladimir Putin--who was running for President after a four-year break. News of the arrests broke shortly before the elections, prompting some politicos to question the convenient timing. While the assassins never really got that close, the plan counts as something like the seventh serious plot to kill Putin, only to never touch him. As a peculiar amount of my readers are from the Ukraine, I'll limit their similarities to Wile E Coyote.
Not counting the Dakota outlaws, New York criminals and Cuba-based Spaniards that took shots at Roosevelt, the man was also targeted by an assassin while (get this!) running for President for a second time after his own four-year vacation. Roosevelt's would-be assassin was motivated by the ghost of William McKinney (so bonus points on the crazy-scale) and actually shot Theodore Roosevelt. Of course, no bullet would have the guts to attack Roosevelt and so tried to escape, but Old TR jumped in the way and caught the bullet with chest. Unconcerned, TR went on to give his prepared speech (that actually had bullet holes in it!) while horrified on-lookers watched the candidate/former-President bleed and speak for 80 minutes. Yeah.
Putin: 3
TR: 9
The Respect of Contemporaries:
France gave Putin an award for miscellaneous humanity work. More ridiculously, President Bush famously “saw Putin’s soul” and decided then and there that Putin was an American ally.
Thomas Riley Marshall, the incredible vice-president to Woodrow Wilson, responded to the news of Theodore Roosevelt’s death in 1919 by saying, “Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.”
Final Score:
Putin: 3
TR: 10
Nice effort, Putin. But Roosevelt still crushed you.
"Any other challengers from your pathetic century?"
(p.s. Happy Birthday, Chuckles)
No comments:
Post a Comment