It’s no secret that we live in a troubled time, nor is it much more of a secret that we would be living in much, much better times if we could count President Theodore Roosevelt among the living. When Roosevelt came to prominence, America was trying to extend its grasp internationally while closely recovering from the internal turmoil resulting from din and dour sub-cultures. Oddly, another country is in a comparable situation nowadays. More oddly, the country has found one of the few men in the last century with so many raw experiences, iron leadership and near mythology that he can almost be described as Rooseveltian. Most oddly of all, we all know this man. I’m talking about Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.
We (er, Americans) have been conditioned to disregard Putin as an icy, possibly evil, leader of a formerly powerful nation. He’s the Bill Belichek of international relations. But he’s more than that. Yes, he was the Prime Minister of Russia. And he was the President. And he is the Prime Minister, again, and I think we should all be interested.
I think we have a contender for the throne of manliness. Witness a battle between Theodore Roosevelt and Vladimir Putin, a battle which if actually fought would likely bring about the end of the world.
Military Service:
Basic stuff here. Roosevelt was in the Navy Department and resigned his office so that he could round up volunteers and invade/liberate Cuba. Roosevelt didn’t so much hate the occupying Spanish so much as he wanted to actually fight, which quickened all the fighting. Charging up San Juan Hill, Roosevelt’s horse got tired and gave up (as war horses are wont to do). The Colonel, as the man preferred to be called for the rest of his life, would not so much as stand next to a quitter and so continued the charge on foot. However, the American forces greatly outnumbered the defending Spanish and took the hill with a rather regrettable body count. Kind of a reverse-Alamo thing, actually; so it’s kind of hard to make the whole thing seem patriotic, brave or even necessary.
Putin, meanwhile, rose through the ranks as a counter-intelligence officer for the KGB. Now that doesn’t exactly mean Putin and the other Soviets were against intelligence, per se, but it does seem that way when reports and rumors leek out. While the CIA had its number of flubs, embarrassments and downright catastrophes, the KGB doesn’t have much else to hang its hat on. At times, the CIA might be Homer Simpson—fat, dumb and irresponsible—but the KGB is Barney Gumble—even fatter, even dumber and perpetually incoherent. And like Barney Gumble, Putin likely killed people by accident and on purpose. (NOTE: I'm not actually sure Barney ever killed a Simpsons character, but as I stopped watching the show several hundred episodes ago, anything may be possible.)
Roosevelt was somewhat of a blue blood and started off in great jobs because of his family connections but Putin rose like a weed so I’m actually giving the first victory to Putin.
Putin: 1
TR: 0
War:
As leader of his country, Putin has kept U.S.-Russian relations chilled at best. He’s dealt with Chechnya and invaded Georgia with aplomb remarks and international indifference. However, he’s also been restrained by America and could only “snub” President Obama when America put new military installations in Poland. Frankly, America could drape a giant flag over Russia, blocking out their sun and the only retaliation would be a higher cost of natural gas in Europe—which would actually just hurt Russia even more. War just isn’t what it used to be.
And what it used to be was Roosevelt. The man started/ended the Spanish-American War over two weekends and then demanded to invade Germany during the outbreak of WWI. Bear in mind, Roosevelt had actually spent time years earlier traveling in Belgium and Germany and likely knew as much about German territory and military leadership as much as anybody. President Wilson was too scared to unsheathe TR though and the war became a stalemate. Wilson basically benched Michael Jordan in the fourth quarter and got bit in his scholarly ass for it.
Notably, Roosevelt had won a Nobel Peace Prize years earlier for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War—presumably by threatening that he’d invade both countries if they didn’t broker a peace agreement. The Colonel, a posthumous Medal of Honor winner, would often lament in his later years that there was no war during his presidency because he felt he wouldn’t be remembered as a great leader if no war defined him. Wrong.
Putin: 1
TR: 1
Physical Combat:
Putin was Steven Segal’s guest at a recent MMA championship match. While this seems random at first, try to escape this headlock: Putin himself is an actual judo champion and well-versed in mixed martial arts. I don’t mean “well-versed” in that he can talk intelligently about the sport, I mean that he fights people in the ring and developed his own moves.
Similarly, and perhaps equally stunning, President Roosevelt was a judo champion and an amateur boxer. Roosevelt, though, loses a few marks because he likely only boxed Irish immigrants in that corny old-timey way with the fists upside down. HOWEVER! Roosevelt had asthma as a child and often couldn’t breath until years later when he learned to eat asthma and never stopped mountain hiking again. I’ll split this round.
Putin: 2
TR: 2
Guns:
Putin toured a gun show some time ago and allowed himself to be moderately impressed by a few of the most ridiculous guns on display. While he had some fun, his associates where apparently all terrified he’d tell any one of them to start running while he counted to ten.
"Niko Antanoli would still be alive if he hadn't spent his first six seconds pleading for mercy."
President TR, the Colonel, routinely carried a loaded pistol…in the White House.
Putin: 2
TR: 3
Sidekicks:
Roosevelt’s political sidekick would easily be William Taft, the relatively unknown man he handpicked to basically inherit the White House—a practice so rare that I can barely think of another example except possibly for Reagan-Bush. Taft was a territory governor of the Philippines and had no real political or military experience. However, Taft was plus 300 pounds during his own presidency so you’d think he’d be good to have in a fight, if for no other reason than for snaring people in the dreaded “Taft Grab.” In reality, Taft was reduced to tears four years later when Roosevelt called him a “fat head” during the 1912 campaign—which means 1) Taft could be broken, 2) TR and Taft weren’t a great duo and 3) TR was not particularly adroit at insulting people.
Oppositely, Putin has Dmitry Medvedev—the current President of Russia who "transmits" information to Putin. Like Taft, Medvedev was chosen by Putin with minimal consideration given to the free public. Also like Team Taft-TR, Putin looked to retake his throne from his 4-year placeholder thanks to a Russian political loophole. Unlike Taft in 1912, Medvedev stepped aside and gave Putin his old office back in the very condition he left it in. Corrupt? Maybe. Loyal? Most definitely. Loyalty wins out.
Putin: 3
TR: 3
Holy shit. Tie game going into half.
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