NFL Predictions: Week Two

It's strange to think about how much money somebody could make by betting against me. Then again, I suppose Las Vegas has done pretty well without my contributions. I read somewhere, perhaps in one of the better bathroom stalls I've ever been in, that professional sports writers correctly pick the winners of a game 47% of the time--which is about twice as often as they write interesting articles (take that, Jason Cole!)

Anyways, the answer is simple: writers like picking the upsets; it's something to brag about. But upsets aren't a sure bet, and they're really not even a good, safe or smart bet. And I work with the point spreads because I'm a bad ass. Anyhow, did you see me totally call the Raven's D and Darren Sproles' numbers last week? Genius work.

Chicago at New Orleans (-6.5)

The Bears are coming off an impressive win against Atlanta and the Saints are coming off a frustrating season opening lost. This is the first home game for the Saints and they had an extra three days to prepare. Given that the Saints' last two losses were in Green Bay and Seattle, I wonder if maybe they just don't like playing outside. Unrelated, it’s strange to think a kid could have watched the last three years of NFL football and not know who John Madden is. On the other hand, they likely wouldn’t know who Dennis Miller is, so there’s that. What? The game? The spread seems like a bit much, but New Orleans has to be better than 0-2. The Saints cover.

Baltimore at Tennessee (+5.5)

I don't really understand how Titans QB Matt Hasselbeck is in national commercials and has endorsement deals. Does he have another career I don't know about? Was he on "Celebrity Apprentice"? Wait a minute, was he in "The Expendables" with Steven Austin? Whatever. The Titans may have the fastest man in the NFL in Chris Johnson but that just means he'll run into defenders that much faster at the line of scrimmage. Seriously, 24 yards against Jacksonville?I'm pretty sure Peggy Olson would get that much--and score at least once. Ravens.

Philadelphia at Atlanta (+1.5)

Personally, I don't understand people who think Michael Vick should still be in jail. I mean, he's still getting chased, tackled and otherwise mangled by 250-lb men every week. Isn't that kind of a punishment? Michael Vick will probably be tired and busted up by the end of the season but this is only Week Two. Also, I'm getting an Chris Chandler-vibe from Matt Ryan--which makes more sense if you don't remember who that is. Ryan might be good but I don't see why he's not on a straight path to Whatever, USA. Here's hoping Andy Reid can achieve the unlikely and keep himself more pulled together than Chris Farley in the last minute of an SNL skit. Eagles.

San Diego at New England (-6.5)

I'll wait for this to change to a 10-point spread before thinking of the Chargers. Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards last week. They purposefully let Miami drive the ball to the one-foot line and stopped them on downs so that the Pats could set up the longest touchdown from scrimmage ever/possible. This is the New England home opener. On the other hand, Brady threw his first regular season interception since last October, so he might be slipping. With the Indianapolis Mannings boycotting football, the Patriots will be in the Superbowl. And I still wouldn't root for them unless they were playing against the entire cast from "Glee." Patriots by eleventy-hundred billion points.

Season record: 1-3