“At a convention nearly all the delegates leave as soon as they’ve nominated the president for fear one of them will be nominated for vice-president.”
--unknown, 1906
For the better part of over two hundred years, the President of the United States has been the most powerful man in the world, and the vice-president has been lost to public obscurity as punishment for political foibles or, in more extreme cases, crimes against humanity. Since the creation of the American vice-presidency, the office has been a political white elephant gift and the occupants have been mocked, derided and forgotten—with their only hope resting on the failing heart of their lone superior. While I will continue to mock and deride some of the men whose place in history is so anonymous it has not yet solidified, many more men’s histories will be dusted off and re-remembered in this series of makeshift awards.
The Original Buzz Aldrin: John Adams
Per the Constitution, “After the choice of the President, the person having the greatest number of votes of the electors shall be the Vice-President.” In one ballot, all 69 votes from the electorates went to George Washington and 34 second-choices went to Adams. The remaining 35 “second-place” votes were spread out and Adams was incontrovertibly the country’s first Vice-President (VP) and in a position nobody really understood. See, the section of the Constitution regarding the VP was almost an after-thought and basically written as everybody was walking out the door at the Constitutional Convention. From the beginning, people figured Adams could handle the ambiguity of the position, though still not the best fit for the presidency itself. For instance, Adams had several polarizing ideas--including that Senators’ positions would be hereditary. Regardless of his aristocratic leanings, Adams—while coming to the slow realization that the VP office can be isolating—has to be credited with having the clarity of foresight, knowing the public’s passion for legends. He is quoted as saying, “The history of our revolution will be one continued lie from one end to the other. The essence of the whole will be that Dr. [Ben] Franklin’s electrical rod, smote the Earth and out sprung General Washington. That Franklin electrified him with his rod—and thence forward these two conducted all the Policy, Negotiations, Legislatures and War.” That this is exactly what I know of American history is evidence of the man’s wisdom and warranted cynicism.
Worst Political Foil: Thomas Jefferson
With humility that cannot be understated, George Washington refused to run for a third term as POTUS; though the absence of his diplomatic leadership led to the country’s first (of thousands) political division. Thomas Jefferson was the nation’s first Secretary of State, which also made him the first to resign his post in less than 4 years due to frustrations with other Cabinet members and then-VP John Adams. Adams and Jefferson both desired the presidency more than any other man before them and peripherally resorted to tactics that’d shame (or inspire) modern political operatives. Unlike the first 8 years, this meant the President Adams’s No. 2 man (Jefferson) was also his main political rival. Like nearly every President after him, Adams tried to silence his critics—specifically with the Alien and Sedition Acts—which outraged Jefferson to the point of anonymously drafting critical resolutions decrying Adams and sending them to state legislatures. Perhaps Jefferson was being underhanded, but he never openly supported the Adams administration, and indeed risked incarcerated for his “seditious” writings.
Highest Kill Count (in office): Aaron Burr
As if to one-up the previous administration's frustrations with Vice-President Jefferson, now-President Jefferson allowed Aaron Burr onto his ticket in 1800. Burr, though, spoke his mind openly and was obviously going to be booted from Jefferson’s ticket come re-election. Before then, though, Burr challenged former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel because…well…there’s isn’t a specific reason. Basically both men has been in duels before (though neither had killed nor been shot) and in 1804, Burr was pissed and Hamilton was depressed. Some historians have speculated Hamilton was clinically depressed, as he had recently lost his son—who was killed dueling an Aaron Burr-supporter. To employ every specific legal loophole, Hamilton and Burr arrived at the dueling grounds at different times and neither brought their guns. Moreover, both of their seconds (i.e. best/worst friends ever) turned away from the duel so that NOBODY except the gunmen saw what happened. In all likelihood, Hamilton shot first, but purposefully shot high…indicating he was brave enough to duel but merciful enough to not kill (which was similar to what he did years earlier when dueling—I kid you not—future President James Monroe). Burr likely fired second and, definitely, struck Hamilton in the gut.
Now, this where the story gets stupid. (Thanks for the warning!) The men dueled in New Jersey, not D.C., and the states did not have extradition treaties; this meant nobody short of Batman could arrest the murderous Burr as long as he stayed in D.C. or any other state. Fortunately, Burr claimed unofficial residency in Crazytown and tried to start his own empire in the Midwest, which meant he could be arrested and was brought to trial for treason and murder. And here’s where the story takes an absolute nose-dive: Burr was released on the technically that nobody actually “saw” him shoot and kill (the Founding Father and Mr. Ten-Dollar Bill) Alexander Hamilton.
Pictured: Not an accurate representation; dumb.
Most Senile: George Clinton
While it would be a couple of years before America would have another murderer as vice-president, the voters wasted no time filling the country’s crazy-quota in the federal government. In 1795, George Clinton stepped down from the governor’s office of New York, citing his own deteriorating health and just generally being too old to keep up in politics. Nine years later, at age 66, Clinton decided he could at least be a more competent vice-president than the former VP, and now fugitive, Aaron Burr and joined the Jefferson ticket. Within weeks, Congressmen complained about the vice-president, who physically resided over the Senate, as vaguely outlined in the Constitution. Clinton was called old, feeble, incapable and "lacking any semblance of mind, intellect and memory." Clinton assumed the continuous insults were just his initiation and was outraged he did not get the presidential nomination in 1808. Astoundingly, the party leaders felt the best way to shut-up Abe Simpson--I mean, George Clinton--was to keep him as vice-president for the James Madison administration. A man whose memory was so frail he’d stop talking mid-sentence upon forgetting what he was originally talking about, was one heartbeat away from leading this infant nation. He died in office less than 4 years later and inexplicably gifted with this tombstone engraving: “an Illustrious Example of a Well Spent Life, Worthy of all Imitation.”
Yeah, that might be a sarcastic epitaph. But after reading about the vice-presidents to come, it’s really hard to tell.
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