“I do not propose to be buried until I am really dead and in my coffin.”
--Daniel Webster rejecting the motion to nominate him as vice-president.
Immortalized by Most Obscure Insult: Elbridge Gerry
Sworn into the office of the Vice-President at nearly 69 years old, Elbridge Gerry had little time to wield any new-found power before dying less than two years later in 1814. To the man’s credit, he had already originated one of the most immoral, and thus replicated, practices in American politics. Specifically, as governor of Massachusetts, he helped re-draw the voting districts so that the populations of his political enemies would only win a few areas. Upon seeing one of the obviously redesigned political cheats, a Congressman commented that, “the district looks like a salamander.” To which a friend said, “No, it’s far too ugly. Call it a Gerrymander.” And that’s how you (legally) keep down minorities.
"See! Illinois' 4th district looks like a salamander!
Or at least after I ran over one with my Honda Civic."
Worst Bookkeeper: Daniel D. Tompkins
I don’t know how one measures patriotism; and while I respect the men and women in uniform, I also know that they don’t, nor ever, fought for freedom for free. This is why New York Governor Daniel Tompkins had to personally raise $4 million from residents for militia payroll of a state that was being attacked by the British in the War of 1812. Long story short, America signed a truce to end the war and Tompkins got to be Monroe’s VP. As the second-in-command, Tompkins routinely showed up to the Senate chambers drunk and was investigated for $120,000 of New York state’s budget that went missing during the previous war. Incredibly, the state legislature agreed to let Tompkins off the hook, as ‘these things happen.’ More incredibly, Tompkins felt this forgiveness was not enough and demanded the state pay him ten grand for his exceptional work as governor, on top of his governor's salary. New York fired back and sued the sitting vice-president, though eventually dropped the charges, as staying mad at the always-drunk Tompkins was just too exhausting. For whatever reason (and that phrase is going to get said a lot when talking about American vice-presidents), New York City renamed Clinton Square—after, the previously senile, George Clinton—to Tompkins Square Park.
Most Incredible Flip-Flopper: John C. Calhoun
In the 1820s, John C. Calhoun approached bitter enemies, and presidential hopefuls, John Quincy Adams and Andrew Jackson in an effort to be either one’s vice-president with the seeming casualness of calling, “I got winner!” during a game of beer pong. JQA and Jackson, fully aware of Calhoun’s flagrant political ambition consented, perhaps under the impression that Calhoun would only become president after the president’s death, and who cares about politics when they’re dead? (Well, Zombie Nixon…but that’s for another post.) So JQ Adams (and Calhoun) win the election and Calhoun goes to work immediately bashing the president by writing newspaper editorials under the pseudonym, “Onslow.” I personally took the time to figure out that “Onslow” is actually an anagram for “Owl Son”…though there’s no real evidence that that means anything. Anyhow, Jackson, again “for whatever reason,” allows Calhoun to join his ticket and become the VP candidate for his victorious election in 1828. Unexpectedly, the still-Vice-President immediately started causing trouble for Jackson when Calhoun proclaimed that South Carolina had a right to secede from the Union in 1830. Prez Jackson responded by threatening to hang Calhoun (his own vice-president). Calhoun, knowing Jackson never bluffed in his life, resigned the vice-presidency. To shame the man for displaying neither political principles nor even courage or basic human decency, South Carolina made sure John Calhoun was put on the Confederate States of America $100 bill some thirty years later.
Victim of the Most Nonsensical Outrage: Richard Johnson
Politically handicapped by his personal life, Richard Johnson still managed to rise to the office of the vice-president under Martin Van Buren. Johnson’s critics leveled against him accusations of “outrageous” and “outlandish” behavior. Indeed, they said, he had a total disregard for propriety and morality. How so? Well, he lived with his biracial mistress, Julia Chinn. And, in fact, calling Julia his mistress isn’t really fair, as he treated her as an equal and they enjoyed a common-law marriage. On top of that, they had two daughters who Johnson educated and gave land to as wedding gifts. For failing to denounce his de facto (and deceased) wife and beautiful, married, one-forth African-American daughters, Johnson was dropped from Van Buren’s re-election ticket in 1840.
Most Likely to have been Gay: William Rufus King
The terms “gay” and “homosexual” didn’t exist as words, and barely even as concepts, in the 1850s. This means that historians/bullies will never know for sure if Franklin Pierce’s vice-president William Rufus King and (later president) James Buchanan were a homosexual couple. What is known is that neither man ever married, they lived together for 15 years and wrote several letters to one another that were fit to burn. Former Presidents Jackson and Quincy Adams referred to W.R. King as “Nancy” and “gentle.” Other contemporaries called the VP “James’ wife.” I consider myself fairy progressive and so won’t criticize King for his personal habits—which are still only speculative. However, he does deserve some condemnation for accepting the vice-presidential position after concealing his terminal case of tuberculosis. In a vain attempt to be cured by the Caribbean sun, King took his Oath of Office in Havana, Cuba…and died less than a month later. With a near Tobias Funke-level of ambiguity, James Buchanan would lament that without William Rufus King, he’d now need “some old maid who can nurse me when I am sick, provide good dinners for me when I am well, and not expect from me any very ardent or romantic affection.”
Between Gerry and King, several American Vice-Presidents can be accused of ambition, deception and negligence, as can the political leaders who put them in such potential avenues of near-ultimate power. However, the next few men would prove just how damning voter indifference can be when fate throws a curve ball.
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