Atlanta at Detroit (-2.5)
The Lions have started off the season so well I can’t help but wonder if the team got some of that government bailout money being poured into Michigan over the last few years. Regardless, how coach Jim Schwartz handled defeat last week made it seems like he was the first person to ever be disappointed in Detroit. And now instead of people talking about how surprising it is that the Lions are 5-1, it’s become a common predication that by Week 16 the team won’t be any more intimidating than that lion from “The Wizard of Oz.” Seriously, Schwartz, take a little pride in getting the team off to a great start—I don’t think the Lions have started a season 5-0 since going against the Christians. What, too soon? Meanwhile in Atlanta, the Falcons are at a very complimentary 3-3. Their losses have been awful and their wins none too stellar. Their most impressive win this season would easily be beating the Lions in Detroit; conversely, the Lions losing would be their worst lost. Detroit covers.
San Diego at New York (Jets) (+1.5)
This year teams have been running on the Jets like a treadmill. Everybody is just running like a nose during allergy season. Harnessing unnecessary amounts of energy, the Chargers are coming off a bye week and a three-game win streak. Forget the Lions, this is the best start for San Diego in nearly a decade. New York has LaDainian Tomlinson now but I don’t think they use him enough for the long-time Charger to get any “revenge” on his former team, even though that’ll be a go-to narrative for the broadcasters and media. More importantly, Sanchez has face-planted since being rated Forbes’ most overpaid NFL player. Truly, he has soiled the name “Sanchez.” Philip Rivers is going to put up some real numbers for this game. Chargers.
Houston at Tennessee (-2.5)
This game has carried absolutely zero weight in the divisional race in recent, or distant, memory. But we now live in a post-Peyton Manning era. Don’t kid yourself, he’s not coming back this season or next season. Or ever again. Sure, Peyton MIGHT take another snap, but he’s not coming back in the way Tom Brady or Drew Bress came back from their respective injuries. Fortunately, Manning has shown such continued (albeit subtle) disgust with the play-calling and time-management of head coach Jim Caldwell that I think Manning will shrug away offers to be a football analysis and take the far more impressive route of actually coaching teams in the future. 0-6 is bad for any team, but it’s absolutely disastrous for a team that didn’t know it was in a “rebuilding” season a month ago. Manning will reveal a darker side of himself before this is all done and Caldwell will finish the season on the unemployment line. Oh, uh, and Houston gets within the margin. Probably wins, too. You know, for whatever reason.
St. Louis at Dallas (-14.5)
Both teams have more bandages than an army of Civil War re-enactors and this game will be largely over-shadowed in both cities by Game Four of the Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series. During the off-season, I really thought St. Louis was one good receiver away from winning their division this year; which was meant as half a testament to Sam Bradford and half an insult to the NFC (“Is This Even Football?”) West. With the crop of wide receivers that got shuffled around this season, I figured at least one player’s car would get jacked while they drove through St. Louis and be forced to play on the Rams to earn enough scratch for a plane ticket home. But nope. No Sidney Rice, Santonio Holmes, Braylon Edwards, Steve Smith, Plaxico Burress or Chad Ochocinco. Hell, in August, the Rams probably could have picked up Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for a combine twenty-five bucks. What I really hope is that the Rams didn’t get turned down by those last two receivers who felt they had better options—as Owens recently overdosed on pain medications (again) and Moss, more embarrassingly, retired. This all brings me back to the point that St. Louis has more problems than just a receiving corp. Still, with so many unknowns in the air, I have to think the Rams will do what JFK could not and keep from getting killed in Dallas.* Rams within the margin.
Green Bay at Minnesota (+7.5)
Rookie Christian Ponder is getting his first start as the Vikings’ QB and his game stats will be put up again Aaron Rogers—who is rewriting the record books after (hopefully) giving up on ridiculous mustaches styles. While the Packers have won 12-straight games since last year, they spent most of this week talking about how they messed up against the Rams. Green Bay is putting up nearly 33 points per game and haven't allowed the losers to be within a touchdown since Week Two. Rodgers put up a 141.3 rating last time he was in the Metrodome and I have no reason to think he won’t have the Vikings fans eat an equally big piece of “shut-the-hell-up” this time. By the fourth quarter, the Vikings will probably just put their few dozen remaining fans in shoulder pads and have them finish out the game so that the real players can beat the traffic home. Packers cover.
Indianapolis at New Orleans (-13.5)
A rematch of the Superbowl nearly two years ago and both teams are as low as they’ve been since then. While Peyton Manning’s injury has been excessively documented (in this post, no less!), the Saints recently lost their own Payton (head coach, Sean) to a knee injury when a player was tackled into him last week. Now Payton and Peyton will likely be in their respective coaches’ booths and I almost expect/want this game to play out like 22 headless bodies running into each other for three hours. This might be too much fantasy though. More likely, Drew Brees will be able to give all the players some sideline speech about “going out and winning one for the Limper” and everyone will cheer and proceed to crush the Colts like a glue factory. Yeah, the Saints will cover.
Season: 12-12 (I’m so close to being incredible at this!)
*Oh come on, don’t tell me that was too soon.
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