NFL Predictions: Week Six

San Francisco at Detroit (-4.5)

There is reason to celebrate in Detroit but the turn around seems like too much now. A month ago, 10-6 would have been a great season record for the Lions; now such a record would elicit pity, mockery or at least disappointment. The Lions are looking to go 6-0, which means I have to break out some real history books to find precedent. Ah, yes, here it is. The last time the Lions started 6-0 was in 1956. This was not only during the Eisenhower administration, but still within the first term. Richard Nixon was a young, spunky politician from California. Elvis Presley appeared on TV for the first time weeks earlier. Neither Ron White nor Larry Bird was born yet. The Rams were in Los Angles, the Colts were in Baltimore and no human had ever been in space. This was a time that pre-dated both Hulla-Hoops and Barbie. And, I swear to God, the 5-0 Lions continued their winning streak that year by beating the San Francisco 49ers 17-13. And because history can be creepy, I predict the same score. Niners within the margin.

Buffalo at New York (Giants) (-2.5)

New York could bring in Lebron James, right? I thought that was the talk at some point a little more than a year ago. He isn’t doing anything else right now, besides maybe growing fat from accidentally inhaling fumes from McDonald’s food during his commercial tapings. The Bills have beaten good teams and they had one loss that really just kept them honest. Across the field, the most impressive things the Giants have mustered is some well-organized computer hack into the NFL Statistics Mainframe to doctor Eli Manning’s season QB rating to a suspiciously (Peyton) Manning-esque 102.3. New York football fans wouldn't move up-state anyway. Bills.

Houston at Baltimore (-5.5)

The Titans are flexing and Texans’ Mario Williams is out, which means Houston will sooner choke on their mouthpieces then finally claim a division title. If they sack anybody, it’ll probably be their coach. Conversely, the Ravens have a defense that stops runners from even falling forward. Continuing, the Ravens are rested and studied. With a weakening receiving corp, Matt Schaub will likely throw more TDs to the Ravens than Texans. “Fun” Fact: Houston Texans has never defeated Baltimore in four meetings. Fun “Fact”: Ray Rice will carry at least one Texan into the end zone and then spike the defender in celebration. Ravens by a good chunk.

Dallas at New England (-4.5)

Tony Romo doesn’t realize there are four quarters in a football game. If Dallas had a 10 point lead in the fourth I still wouldn’t pick them. Patriots running back Ben Jarvis Jeremy Green-Ellis (that’s one name) plowed through the Jets last week with a fervor and enthusiasm akin to kid getting a brand new bike. With how Tom Brady has been throwing the ball, maybe Mr. Five Names didn’t think he’d ever get to run and so when he did he made the most of it. I also like that the Patriots are chasing a team in their division for a change. They’re not in any real trouble, but I like seeing at least one drop of sweat from the annual Superbowl contenders. Still…they don’t have a reputation for charity. Patriots cover.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+3.5)

In the first week I suggested Drew Brees rename his city Drew Orleans, but now with the added benefit of adding a city nickname: The Big Breezy. Beyond that, the entire state could be called Drew-isiana. Okay, that one is a bit of stretch. Anyway, the Saints have devastated Tampa Bay in their last two trips there by a combined 69-13 score. And frankly, one of my proudest predictions this year was that Darren Sproles would fit into New Orleans like a drunken, thieving sailor—and he has marvelously. The Buccaneers got absolutely embarrassed by the 49ers last week—which was doubly embarrassing because it was the 49ers. Any team with any semblance of pride or perseverance would come back the next week with the unrestrained energy of a “The Price is Right” contestant. But against the Saints? Tampa Bay won’t. New Orleans by at least a touchdown.

Minnesota at Chicago (-2.5)

After extending his contract over the off-season, Adrian Peterson has got to be getting a Barry Sanders-feeling. Minnesota is the worst in what is becoming a rather formidable division and there is no real hope on the horizon. Donovan McNabb is becoming a liability for the Vikings, collapsing like so many Metrodomes before him. Speaking of which, a Minnesota tax hike will help pay for the new stadium but I don’t think the Vikings will be much more motivated to win as a repayment for Johnny Q. Taxpayer—who didn’t even get a chance to vote against the new stadium via some referendum. Meanwhile Los Angeles football fans have gotten a little louder in the last few years, wanting a local team, yet again. After all, the city is likely going to take a double-hit, losing the NBA season for the Lakers and, less tragically, the Clippers. Notably, the Vikings’ stadium contract is up after this year and so there are more than rumbles about the Vikings moving to L.A. This would follow the exact path of the Lakers, who were also originally from Minneapolis—which explains the team name, as Los Angeles boasts only a plethora of automatic sprinkler systems, not lakes.

As a gratuitous side note, I think the Clippers are also not named in honor of the hair stylists in Los Angeles but actually reference the famed hair salons of their original city: Buffalo. So obviously this means the Bears are going to win by at least three. Obviously.

Season Record: 9-9